To think my ex should tell our daughter he's split with his partner?

[spanglishforthought]

Me and ex share 8 year old dd. Ex was with his partner for 3 years - they didn't live together but she was around dd and dd really liked her. Ex and his partner split up about a month ago (confirmed by partner). I asked him if he was going to tell dd but he said no as they're still friendly and share a dog so there's no need for her to know...

I was in his house the other day and the pictures that were up of the pair of them are now down. My dd told me yesterday she hadn't seen Jane (fake name) in a while and her dad said that's because they've both been busy.

I honestly just wanted to say to my dd 'well you haven't seen her recently because dads not with her anymore' but I respect my ex asked me not. However I really don't understand the thought process behind this...he's taken the pictures down of the pair of them, he is back to single on his Facebook (not that my daughter has Facebook but it is obviously public knowledge they are no longer together), she is noticing that she hasn't seen Jane and I feel like I'm lying whenever she mentions it. She was also lovely and had a relationship with my dd so I think this will
have some sort of an impact on her and what's the point in prolonging it?

AIBU to just tell her the next time it's brought up? Or should I keep my beak out and just pretend I don't know what's going on?

Difficult for you. If he tells your daughter in a kind way, I don't think it will have dire effects. Better that she hears the correct story now otherwise when she does find out, she may well distrust him when he gives her facts. Not fair on the child if she likes the lady in question.

I agree. It's a difficult one.

I think he just needs to be honest with her. He obviously doesn’t need to go in to any details about the whys about it. But she’s going to be wondering where she’s gone so suddenly, and it will make a difference to her life going forward.

As for you mentioning something if she asks, I’d like to say yes tell her but I don’t know if that will rock any boats with him? Only you know how he will react.

When I split with my ex, he told his child with his ex prior to it happening. And to be honest, I don’t think his ex wife would have kept it from her child. It was such a huge change everyone including dsc and therefore also for their mum, and there was no reason for dsc to be kept in the dark about something so big.

It's a tricky one... but in relation to your specific question, my vote would be: Yes, you would BU to just tell your daughter your ex has split with his partner.

Do you think he hasn't told her because he is hoping/thinking they will get back together?

How odd! I wouldn't like being put in that position. It's one thing if your ex wants to lie to her (God knows why!) But now he's expecting you to lie as well. I would speak to him again and say it isn't fair to ask you to keep this from your DD and that as she will obviously find out eventually (does he really expect to keep this up for years!?) You think it would be better if he tells her now. I would also say DD has noticed these things and if she asks you again you won't lie to her. Appreciate he might not like it but I would be livid if both my parents thought they could lie to me about something like this and to be honest would probably never fully trust them again!

I don't think it's your place to tell her - consider how you'd feel the other way around. He gets to decide how and when he tells his daughter about his break-up. I assume he's not telling her because he's hoping they'll get back together and save her the upset (and maybe he's right?) so he'll either tell her eventually and the problem is solved or they'll get back together and the problem goes away.