That money issue

[penguinparty00]

Looking for a bit of perspective I've been burnt in the past by being overly generous and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, I'll try to keep it short, my other half is trying to build a career at the moment but has had to start at the bottom for experience which I fully understand but I am in a really good position money wise because I've worked hard over the last few years to sort my finances, I earn nearly double what he earns and fortunately don't have many outgoings I own a property which I rent out so I'm saving quite a bit we do have a DS together and I live with him and contribute money towards bills monthly and we both chip in for the food shop, but I feel like for everything else it always falls to me because he cannot financially afford it - mum and baby classes - I pay, toys / clothes / anything for the little one - I pay , go out for coffee - I pay and I know I've set this presidence by always offering to pay first, or when he offers money I turn it down because I know he can't afford it, but it's really starting to grate on me because I've worked bloody hard and got extra money by being good at my job and I've saved and I would say I'm quite money savvy but I feel guilty that he isn't in the position I am in so I always pay for things. Do I just need to suck it up?

Did you both agree to him changing careers?

Both agree to having DC?

Do you rent or both own the house your in?

Have you both not sat down and looked at incomes together, what outgoings are, created a budget together?

Dump him and find someone wealthier to go out with.

Seriously, what other answer is there? If you earn more, you put proportionally more into the household pot, and yes, if you want fun extras like baby groups, you have to pay.

@Hankunamatata

Did you both agree to him changing careers? Both agree to having DC? Do you rent or both own the house your in?

He decided to be honest after covid it ruined his business so had to start a fresh, little one came along unexpected but loved we have been together only 2 years so it's all happened quite fast!

@Hankunamatata

Have you both not sat down and looked at incomes together, what outgoings are, created a budget together?

No to be honest we do separate finances he has his house and I have mine so we keep it quite separate only share food shop everything else kind of just automatically falls to me.

@funnylittlefloozie

Dump him and find someone wealthier to go out with.

Seriously, what other answer is there? If you earn more, you put proportionally more into the household pot, and yes, if you want fun extras like baby groups, you have to pay.

Haha ok I get your point just been burnt in the past ex husband continuously borrowed money and it never came back everyone said I was a mug so a bit weary this time round

I'm guessing that i'm much older than you..I'm 52 and male. I'm from a background when a man paid for anything, couldn't stand for his wife to earn more than him...ask yourself is he trying, does he want to earn money, would you expect the resentment if the position was the other way round

Well what do you want? You want these things which are not necessities, by your own admission he can’t afford them so you have to pay for them. Why put all the money in the one pot and take equal free spending money? That’s what everyone would be jumping to advise if the roles were reversed.

You need to both look at finances together. Your renting your house so does the tenants rent cover the mortgage etc on your house. If so then I would start by going at least halves on all the household bills in the house yoir both living in/or a bigger portion since you have more income and either pick up some of the extra costs for ds instead of paying him some form of board.

Thank god my Dh never said all this or I’d be screwed.

Moneysavingexpert had a great budget tool. You dont have to physically combine finances just transfer your agreed percentage of household bills to dp so he can pay by dd each month.

How do you have a child without discussing finances?

From my perspective though, if you had a conversation where you both agreed to his career change and reduced income and are living as a family then yes, you suck it up.

I’d expect you to pay a nominal rent as it’s not your house and you have no rights to it, but I’d expect you to pay a higher proportion of bills and general living costs.

It also depends a bit of the figures - 20k vs 40k, yes he can’t afford to contribute much. 60k vs 120k then of course he should be able to pay some of those things.

If your earning more than you pay a bigher percentage of the household bills. Then do would have more money to buy coffees and things for ds

Sounds to me your financial position is hard work + luck and his is hard work + bad luck. How else would you describe a global pandemic killing his business other than bad luck? It’s not like he went bankrupt because he was an idiot and ran the business into the ground.

So, yes you should expect to be carrying him a bit until he gets back on his feet. That’s what a partnership is. Imagine if roles had been reversed and you’d been made redundant due to Covid?

Just communicate and be open and transparent. Agree something "fair".