To think it shouldn't be this hard?

[OhToBeASeahorse]

I'm struggling so much and I cant see it getting better.

DD - 6 months. Only naps in sling. Co sleeps. Wakes frequently. EBF. Has suspected CMPA so my diet is restricted.

DS - 2.5. Does nothing alone. Nothing. Does not stop talking. Hurts himself several times a day. Lots of tearful meltdowns. Still frequently chucking dinner on the floor. Is dairy intolerant. We are trialling gluten free. In the last 10 days he has done 44 dirty nappies. That's how he has always been.

I'm exhausted. I can't think. DS does not stop ever. DH and I struggle to have a conversation around them. I'm trying to give DD good naps whilst trying to play with DS. I am with children basically 24 hours a day. I want to run away.

The dr gave me anti depressants but they've got lactose in.

It shouldn't be this hard

for you. This sounds really hard

At the risk of being flamed by other posters, would you consider switching from breastfeeding to specialist formula? That way, at least your diet won't be restricted, you can take the antidepressants and someone can help with feeding baby?

Your DS is 2.5 - could he go to nursery for a couple of mornings a week just to give you a bit of a break?

Do you have anyone who can help you out for an hour or two a few days? Mum, friend, sister?

Have you spoken to your GP about your son?

Can you contact your health visitor for help?

Hang in there, it will get better

Sorry you’re having such a hard time.
Lactose and cows milk protein aren’t the same thing though. Lactose is actually the main sugar in breast milk so you can take the antidepressant when feeding a baby with CMPA.

You have my sympathies OP. Being a parent is never easy, but some situations are more difficult than others, and it definitely sounds like you've drawn the short straw here.

I think it is hard when you have young children close in age and they are both equally demanding of your attention. Although it is really a long slog, luckily it does not last forever. Once they reach school age it becomes easier I think.

I agree with PP about sending DS to nursery if possible/if you aren't already and looking into trying formula for your DD. She has been exclusively breastfed for 6 months which is absolutely amazing, but if formula makes things a lot easier it is perfectly acceptable to switch. I formula feed my 3 month old as I was not able to breastfeed due to medication. Sometimes you have to think of yourself as well, but it depends if you think this is negotiable.

Also, how much support are you getting from your partner?

Thanks everyone.

@pearpickingporky84 I didnt know that - I knew they were different things ut inthiight CMPA would react to lactose - that's something at least.

I would consider formula but the dr soesnt believe she has CMPA so wont prescribe me hydrolised formula. Also I do enjoy the BF, it's just everything else.

I just want to scream at them. We went for a walk today and my son spent it running away or refusing to walk

We have blood tests for him for the dietary situation.

No family support but DS goes to a cm 3 days a week.

Sounds like it would be a good idea to switch to formula so you can eat a normal diet again and be medicated for your depression, you deserve and need to take care of your mental health. A happy healthy mum is worth so much more to your kids than the minuscule benefits from breast milk.

The bedsharing isn’t working, I would advise moving her into her own room now, they recommend it’s fine to do that from six months onwards. And you need to get some good sleep! Moving away from breastfeeding might help with that as she’s probably snacking through the night. Her own safe separate sleep space is also much safer for her than bedsharing, I’m really surprised health visitors haven’t ever told you that :( if her sleep doesn’t improve after a few weeks in her own room then sleep train. The benefits are immense for all of you. You’ll have the energy to focus on helping your DS and your mental health.

You’re in survival mode at the moment and any change probably feels insurmountable but you do have options here, lots of them, you’re right it shouldn’t be this hard. Making some positive changes could really help. Please don’t let a desire to breastfeed overwhelm everything else. Breastfeeding is great but it isn’t the best option for everyone and it does seem that that is a huge part of the problems you’re going through in various ways.

Whatever you decide to do this will pass. It’s just a case of deciding whether to actively take steps to get there sooner or continue with the way things are.

Facebook has some great support groups, for example Breastfeeding Without Bedsharing, and Respectful Sleep Training. Number one priority is getting some more sleep and prioritising your mental health. Everything else is secondary ❤️

PS I’m sure posters will be along to tell you that the issues you’re having with sleep are normal and just to wait it out... fair play if you’re able and willing to, but not everyone can physically or mentally cope with broken awful sleep for months on end. It takes it out of you. Never feel guilty for doing what you need to do to prioritise your own health and sleep. You can’t pour from an empty cup and you matter too, you’re a person worthy of care and consideration, not just a parent whose needs have to always come last.

Can you get a second opinion on the CMPA? You can ask to see a different GP, you don't have to give a reason.

My son was very lively as a toddler, always on the go. It was exhausting and I only had him! Even harder at the moment without things like softplay.

If you can, I really would look into some nursery hours for him.

May I ask, were you working before you had DD? If so, are you planning to return? I adore my son but I did feel better when I returned to work as I had some space to be me.

Sorry, cross posted. Realise now that DS goes to cm 3 days.

Yes I'll be returning to work in September.

We sleep trained my son at 7 months and it saved my sanity but it said not to do it within 6 weeks of going away and we have a week away next month- I dont want to mess any progress up. I love sleeping with her but I'm feeling so desperate.

It is that hard unfortunately, extremely hard on you physically emotionally, you've no time or energy but the good news is it passes and gets easier.
A toddler and newborn is tough.
Get out walking as much as possible, tire out the toddler and hopefully baby will enjoy sitting in a light buggy facing forward.

Who said that?

I’d do it anyway tbh, it’s a month away. My son was sleeping well within a week. Worst case scenario you undo progress and have to get back onto it, that’s absolutely fine, people sometimes do retrain after a regression, illness, etc. At least you’ll have had a few weeks of decent sleep hopefully, and you have the success of last time to give you confidence ❤️

Even if you don’t do it now maybe move her into her own room now a haha so you can get some better sleep on your own and she starts getting used to her own sleep space prior to training.

Whatever you do I hope things get easier soon

Thanks @ThaiKoala. We follow safe sleep guidance so I'm happy she is safe but I do think she is getting to want some more space.

2bh if I could just get her napping in her cot in the day it would make life so much easier.

Give yourself a pat on the back you've done 6 month's of this. When you're feeling overwhelmed keep thinking it'll pass. The baby will be crawling soon it'll free up your arms.
I nearly had a breakdown stretching myself on my 2nd with a 5 years gap.

The OP doesn’t want to formula feed.

I think gentle sleep training is the way forwards here

I don’t want to add pressure or stress or anything but I have to say that even with the safe sleep guidance it’s still significantly more dangerous to bedshare then baby sleep in their own safe sleep space. The safe sleep seven is a way to make it less risky, but it’s still very dangerous. Unfortunately some groups like to promote it as being safe and people are often shocked when they realise that’s not the case. Happy to provide evidence if you’d like but I know that’s not the focus of your post so I’ll leave it there, more just sharing as I wouldn’t want onlookers to be misled.

You can use your sleep training experience to get her napping in her cot in the daytime. Babies sleep where we allow them to sleep and although she’s used to being held she’ll adjust quickly as long as you’re consistent, consistency is key! It’ll be so much better for you to be able to grab a nap when she’s napping in the day while your boy is at the childminder’s, or have some time to yourself. It must be awful being tethered down for all naps. I have a couple of friends going through that currently and it drives them up the wall. We all need time to ourselves and it sounds like you don’t get any bedsharing and contact napping!

I'm not an expert on most of this so would be stupid to comment advice that's not well researched. So, all I have to say is that you don't need to go to formula (like pp have suggested) if you stop breastfeeding. If you'd like your child to be breastfed but need to stop then there are TONNES of women who will give you breastmilk because plenty of women have an oversupply and don't want to waste it. It's free and if your child is already EBF then it makes sense not to mess with their diet.

I have a similar age gap to you, my youngest is CMPA and I cut out dairy to keep breastfeeding too. Here is some random stuff that helped (I still want to run away sometimes)
We attached a full sized cot to the side of our bed to give us way more space for cosleeping. My main issue with cosleeping is when it's uncomfortable and I feel cramped. If I can have more space it's fine. Also I found with both mine at some point (I can't remember exactly when, between 6-9 months maybe) I could feed them to sleep, leave them in bed with the monitor on and go downstairs and have an evening. Not every night, sometimes they cried, sleep training wasn't for me, but 5 nights out of 7 watching tv or sitting on sofa or whatever made a big difference to my sanity.
After six months I started wearing them in the sling on my back not my front. I felt so touched out with them on my boobs all the time and having them on my back gave me more of a sense of having my personal space. Also you can cook more safely.
I love running and I got a running buggy. So it meant I could do something for myself even if I had to bring the kids. Do you have any hobbies you can do or adapt to do with your kids there? Especially if the hobby happens to get your kids to sleep that's a winner.
My toddler goes to nursery, you mentioned yours goes to childminder. I am even more grateful for that after the first lockdown.
Does your baby sleep in sling? I used to bounce mine to sleep on ball and colour or read or jigsaw or anything I could do at the table with the toddler. Also I would put her in the sling or backpack and take the toddler out on her balance bike or pushing her little buggy.
Is your husband wfh or around at weekends? Can you carve out some rest time for yourself when he takes the kids (somewhere else) or you go out on your own? You really need some alone time even if it's only once a week.
Honestly, this too shall pass. I'm about a year ahead of you and it's much easier already. It will get better I promise, hang in there xxx

@Hollywhiskey thanks that was helpful. We have avoided the bouncy ball this time but she sleeps in the sling. Problem is she is such a light sleeper. She also isnt in a routine at the moment and I'm finding that so hard - I dont know when she will need to nap so trying to plan anything is impossible!

I love cosleeping. I love hearing her breathe. It feels like it should feel and my heart swells in those moments. But I left her room at 8.30 and she has already woken up. I can't keep it up.

My toddler is killing me. The nappy changing is soul destroying. He cant do anythig without serious input. If he says he wants to draw what he means is he asks me to draw things. If I leave him he just eats the ends off. Trying to get him upstairs to clean his teeth etc.. it's all just so so hard, so so boring, so so relentless and so so knackering when I'm also trying to get a baby to nap on me.

@ThaiKoala yes tethered is exactly how I feel!

We will agree to disagree re safety but you step absolutely right that we do all need put own space and I'm really feeling not having any

OP that sounds so hard. It sounds awful but I remember being really short with and finding my older child (3 at the time) almost unbearable at times when I had a newborn. I wanted to be left alone with my new snuggly baby for bonding like she had had and she was always there demanding attention as a three year old does. Looking back I had PND, had unrealistic expectations of a second maternity leave, of my 3 year old and of life with two. Things got so much easier for 9 months or so and we found our feet and routine but it’s hard. I worked on my relationship with my eldest because I was pushing her away which was obviously terrible of me (NOT saying you are doing that at all). No real advice but solidarity and it will get better.

@Hungryhippos123 lots of what you have said has resonated. Last week she got woken up because I had to chase after him and I was so cross. At the weekends DH takes the baby for naps so I can spend some quality time with the toddler. He is still only so small. But goodness me. We went for a walk today in the woods and it was just miserable, all.he did was either run away from me or refuse to walk.

I totally agree with the first response. Give your baby specialist formula to give yourself a break, in turn giving your children some respite too. Give you time to focus on sorting your sons sensitivities and helping the baby sleep better.
You need to look after yourself too and this seems the logical option.

Not an expert but a couple of suggestions
... Can you meet up with friends with toddlers so that yours can play with theirs? That would mean you get a break and toddler is hopefully happy too.
I also think putting the baby in her own room and stopping or limiting night feeds might be necessary to enable you to get more sleep. If she's waking up more than once or twice a night she is probably being woken up by you. You being so tired is probably making everything 10x harder.
The nappies sound excessive! Wishing you strength to deal with those.

@OhToBeASeahorse it’s relentless isn’t it. I want to say I enjoyed the baby and toddler years looking back but actually at the time it was a drag. I’m not patient enough for small children and always feel a bit sad when I hear people talk about how much they love time with their multiple small kids. With a 6 and 3 year old now I feel so much more confident and happy, enjoy life and feel more like myself and a better mum. When they were both little honestly I couldn’t wait for bedtime every day. I loved them to death and we had some lovely times and cuddles etc but it was hard. Sending all the love you’re doing great.