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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sibling abuse and my challenging mother..

20 replies

Chocolateraisons93 · 30/04/2021 23:08

Trigger warning

I'm will keep this short and sweet and would like some help and advice on this sensitive matter...

I was sexually, physical and mentally abused by my only older brother between the ages of 5 till 11..

I never told a soul to anyone during that time I dealt with it pretty badly during my teens..

I moved far far far away to start a family and eventually told my mother in 2016..

When I told her she said she always new something was wrong but didn't no what.. and that she would encourage me to seek help for it..

We have a very difficult relationship...

This has pretty much weighed very heavy on my heart and I have had a shit ton of mental health problems as a result...

She has basically told me that I'm fine now as I have a family and moved on with my life my brother is unstable and has with a lot of issues...

I have recently come out of a mental hospital and during my time there she has told me that (off course encouraging that things will get better) but quiet dismissive telling me that..

"Everyone is damaged (I refer to myself as damage) but we all move on a get on with our life"

"I am in no way unique by these circumstances much worse has happened to other people"

And so much more...

What has really made me feel like I'm done is the fact that since 2016 my mother hasn't said anything to my brother.. and sees him on a regular basis as If nothing has happened...

I cannot wrap my head around for the last 5 years she has said nothing to him laughed and joked like nothing is wrong while I'm here trying hard everyday to keep myself together...

My mother now thinks because now my mental health stay is a combination of a lot of things especially abuse she now wants to confront him... so basically had this of not happened she wouldn't of said anything to him another 5,10,15 years would of passed...

I think I'm done i can't forgive her for not confronting him sooner.. I want to end out relationship.. AIBU?

OP posts:

5zeds · 30/04/2021 23:14

Why do you feel you have to be reasonable? Surely they have both let you down so stupendously you can now do whatever will make life easiest for you without worrying?

OppsUpsSide · 30/04/2021 23:19

I don’t think YABU for how you feel and have tried to cope, but I can’t honestly say I think your DM is either. That’s not to say I think she has dealt with it in the right way, but probably in a typically human way.
It sounds like now she does want to confront him, you want to step back?

alexdgr8 · 30/04/2021 23:20

don't expect anything, then you won't be disappointed.
maybe being annoyed at her is a distraction method to cope with the trauma.
maybe it's best to avoid these people for the moment.
you need to be able to talk through all this with someone suitable.
have you told your GP. if not, do so, and ask for help.
good luck.

Original poster

Chocolateraisons93 · 30/04/2021 23:41

@5zeds I feel torn because she is my mother... but she has let me down.

@OppsUpsSide she wants to confront him now because she has been put into a position where she has too, she has had the option these last 5 years she has chosen to stay silent. That burns me..

@alexdgr8 I just think as a mother she should of dealt with this.. I have therapy and things in place to deal with this now. Thanks you.

I just feel like with our relationship there is too much water under the bridge... too much has happened...

OP posts:

Maggiesfarm · 01/05/2021 00:18

I am so sorry your brother abused you. How much older is he ?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 01/05/2021 01:46

What would you want her to do/say to him if she confronted him?
She says that she believes you. Do you believe her?
If she confronts him and he denies it, then what?
If she confronts him and he admits it, then what?
Should she turn him in to the police? Go no contact? Demand that he pay for all your therapy? Take him out of her will?
You need to be able to articulate what you want her to do before you become angry with her for failing to do it.

fifteenmillionmerits · 01/05/2021 01:56

YANBU. I'm astounded at how callous she's been with regards to you telling her about the abuse you went through for so long, and essentially continuing to have him in her life as if nothing ever happened. If I'd dealt with her as a mum under these circumstances I would have cut her out of my life tbf. Hope things get better for you

notangelinajolie · 01/05/2021 02:05

What he did was wrong. Please report him to the police.

BlueVelvetStars · 01/05/2021 02:13

Cut your abuser apologist Mother off now.

You do not need her in your life, or people like her.

Astella22 · 01/05/2021 02:19

I’m very sorry for what happened to you as a child. I hope you’re in a better place these days.

People don’t always know how to handle serious situation and sticking their head in the sand may be all they are capable of at that time.

Original poster

Chocolateraisons93 · 01/05/2021 13:04

@Maggiesfarm he is 5 years older than me.

@GeorgiaGirl52 The secret needs to come out and he needs to no that it has affected me in so many ways. I want her to confront him, I can't im too scared.. he is aggressive and he would defiantly beat me up.

@fifteenmillionmerits exactly that her continuing having him in her life as if nothing has happened... cracking jokes and all...

@notangelinajolie I don't no if I can report it as it happened so many years ago now.. thanks for your wishes.

@BlueVelvetStars I do think its time to cut her off.

@Astella22 I appreciate and gave her time to process and evaluate what her next step would be... she admitted to me it was easier for her to ignore and hoped it went away. Despite her knowing my current issues I guess it wasn't enough for her to do something..

OP posts:

steff13 · 01/05/2021 13:26

Is there a chance he was abused as well? Not that it excuses his behavior, but if you were 5 then he was only 10, that's still awfully young.

I think you're going to have to accept this this:
The secret needs to come out and he needs to no that it has affected me in so many ways. I want her to confront him, I can't im too scared.. he is aggressive and he would defiantly beat me up.
probably won't happen. He doesn't need to know, and there's no guarantee he'd accept it if he did. I think it's probably best to go no contact with both.

stackemhigh · 01/05/2021 14:08

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Would you consider going to the police?

Your mum has let you down, don’t rely on her for this.

Your brother’s instability is not your problem, you do whatever you need to do to get better.

stackemhigh · 01/05/2021 14:10

@steff13

Is there a chance he was abused as well? Not that it excuses his behavior, but if you were 5 then he was only 10, that's still awfully young.

Please don’t put this on OP. She doesn’t need to know if he was abused and he absolutely does need to know what he did to her, preferably from the justice system.

BlueVelvetStars · 01/05/2021 14:27

Please don’t put this on OP. She doesn’t need to know if he was abused and he absolutely does need to know what he did to her, preferably from the justice system.

Agreed 🌺

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/05/2021 14:51

Hi OP

I'm so sorry, what a horrible situation.

YANBU to not forgive her for not stopping it and for not supporting you. You wouldnt be unreasonable for cutting them off or distancing yourself from your mum and sister if that's what you need to do to feel better. I can imagine that when your sister says things like 'other people have had worse' it is frustrating and upsetting to have a terrible situation minimised. Do you think it is her way of trying to 'help' you move on or she can't imagine how horrific is was or the effect now?

The only thing I'd add is that, assuming your mum really had no idea that this was happening to you, it must be hard for her to know how much one of her children has damaged another one, and she might feel guilt she didn't stop it. Ideally she would offer much more support but sometimes it is easier for someone who isn't involved in the situation, she will have her own feelings about it that make it difficult for her.

Also although I can see why you want her to confront your brother, I'm not sure it will give you any closure. He will probably deny it or try and justify it by blaming you if he admits to it. I can understand why you want her to cut him off.

steff13 · 01/05/2021 15:08

Please don’t put this on OP. She doesn’t need to know if he was abused and he absolutely does need to know what he did to her, preferably from the justice system.

I'm not putting anything on the OP. 🙄 I'm wondering if the mother is this way because she failed to protect him from an abuser, too.

AmberIsACertainty · 01/05/2021 16:06

YANBU to end any relationship for any reason whatsoever. So if its best for you to end this relationship with your mother then do so and don't feel guilty about it. You have a few options that I can see. You could explain why you're ending the relationship, or you could go NC with no explanation at all, or you could say you don't want to be in contact at the moment and you'll get back in touch if that changes.

Your mother has minimised the abuse and its effect on you, which isn't right or fair. I'm not surprised you feel anger about that or that you want to cut her out.

My situation isn't the same as yours but I've considered cutting my mother out for things she did to me as a child. I chose not to. I chose to attempt to change things instead. I would have cut her out if things hadn't changed. It took a lot of time and effort and was upsetting for me to bring about the changes and for that reason I can't be quite sure I made the right decision.

What I did was I changed my outlook and the way I interacted with my mother. First I split her into two people: the mother who let me down, which is the past, and the old lady who I don't really know that well beyond knowing her hobbies are xyz, which is the present. Then I let go of the mother aspect, who I have some negative feelings towards. I interact with her now as an acquaintance who knows my siblings.

She's not allowed to try to mother me, she had her chance to do that as a child and she blew it, I don't want it now. I won't tolerate the merest hint of rudeness, I don't have rude people as friends or acquaintances, so I won't accept it from her either. Insulting me or belittling my opinions had me walking away from the conversation Every Single Time until she learnt to stop doing it. I don't share personal information about my life, because it's up to me who I share it with and I choose not to share it with her, she must accept this and not be nosy or prying or else I walk away.

Obviously before she learnt to stop doing these things it upset me and I used to get very stressed at the thought of meeting with her and angry afterwards at her behaviour. This is why I say I'm not sure l made the right decision, to try. It was a lot of stress for me.

Nowadays we have a civil relationship and I'm happy to have this person in my life, so perhaps it was the right decision. I have zero stress at meeting up and we have pleasant chats about her hobbies mostly. So overall I'd say my choices around this have worked out ok for me.

I had something to gain by staying in contact though: I would have lost my whole family if I'd gone NC with her. Unless I explained to the others why so they could see it from my perspective, and I didn't want to do that, I wanted my private business kept private. Do you have anything to gain by staying in touch?

Fizzwizzfozz · 01/05/2021 16:44

Your mother wants to confront him now OP and if she does I don't think her behaviour towards him will change. She's carried on like nothing has happened despite your pain and that in itself has contributed to your suffering and she's been ok with that.

Time to step back cut her off so you can give yourself time to work out if you want any relationship with her in the future. Take as long as you need to do this

beepbeep · 01/05/2021 17:00

Unfortunately she sounds like my mother, who no longer speaks with me as she will not discuss anything that has happened in the past & she certainly won’t bear any responsibility or acknowledge any wrongdoing. Anytime I tried to bring anything up she didn’t like she would tell me I was ill. Not helpful.

I also moved far away and now have my own family and keep myself distanced from her narcissistic abuse.

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