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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu?

18 replies

Wopbopaloobopalopbombo · 30/04/2021 20:32

So, I have been with my OH for nearly 3 years, Having recently moved in together (I have trust issues), my OH has received a couple of high priority debts to OUR address.
I have the savings to help him clear his debt (OH has not asked for a dime) I am thinking more of our future as I am certain he is 'the one' so buying a house together, children the whole 9 yards.
But AIBU in not offering to help? In a sense I feel like he's really suffering, OH has not asked for any help at all, am I wrong for wanting to help?

OP posts:
Jewelsbelvi · 30/04/2021 20:33

Yanbu or if you do I’d only give a fraction of it

bluebeck · 30/04/2021 20:35

I wouldn't give anything until I had bottomed this out.

If he has high priority debt then that's probably the tip of the iceberg.

I wouldn't be in any rush to shackle myself to someone who might have serious financial obligations/debts

ThatIsMyPotato · 30/04/2021 20:37

He hasn't asked so I wouldn't. Even if he did ask I'd be very careful. Could you offer to help him budget so he can clear it?

IwantYouBack · 30/04/2021 20:38

How did he get into debt? And he is likely to get into debt again once its cleared?

If the second question is a no, I'd lend him the money. Not give it. He won't learn any thing that way..

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2021 20:39

Slow down there, lady. What are these debts for and why does he need your help? Being involved with someone who is shit with money is a 100% guaranteed recipe for disaster, and you would be mad to throw away your hard earned money on his problems.

Orangebug · 30/04/2021 20:39

Was this a surprise to you OP? If so I would be seriously annoyed that he didn't tell you before you moved in. What else could he be hiding?

DissociativeBitch · 30/04/2021 20:39

I had debt when I got together with dh.
We were young and at some point we've balanced each other out, I've worked and he's not or vice versa.
I think it has to be down to your own judgement.
Is he able to cover this debt without going bankrupt? Can he manage on a payment plan? If so, then he should be ok.

Original poster
Wopbopaloobopalopbombo · 30/04/2021 20:43

It was a surprise to me,I was aware, OH debt is from a previous relationship to someone very vindictive (I too have had a run in with said ex)
OH is normally pretty good when it comes to money, he is now working 2 jobs to try and ease the burden, both of us have had it rough previous, OH has gave me the last of his wages before when I needed fuel to get to work,OH then walked to work.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2021 20:45

How much debt are we talking about here?

Original poster
Wopbopaloobopalopbombo · 30/04/2021 20:46

About 3k, it was a lot more but OH has worked all hours to reduce it, I think this last leg is going to break him

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 30/04/2021 20:48

Is it a lot of debt? If yes, he looking into possibly looking into consolidating them or doing a DRO etc? I think if he has a plan or if he’s just burying his head in the sand is important.

Original poster
Wopbopaloobopalopbombo · 30/04/2021 20:50

He says he has a plan, my thoughts are that is too proud to explain them to me

OP posts:
Lou98 · 30/04/2021 21:03

Personally if I had the 3k in savings I would have given it to my partner to pay the debt without a second thought after 3 years. I know he would have (and since has) done the same for me.

You've said he's worked hard to pay a lot of it off and helps you out when you've needed so it doesn't sound like he's just irresponsible and it's likely to happen again, it sounds like he's really putting in the effort to fix it

gobbynorthernbird · 30/04/2021 21:05

Honestly, for £3K, as long as you know it isn't gambling or drugs or whatever, I would pay it.

toocold54 · 30/04/2021 21:11

Why don’t you pay a bit more towards the rent, food bills etc and not directly pay his debts off. I think the debts are his responsibility and he also may feel embarrassed if you pay them off for him.

Hankunamatata · 30/04/2021 21:22

I had the same situation with dh when we were young and started living together. I sorted his debts out (he had got in a mess by ignoring them) and I paid off his debts as had huge interest amounts and to his credit paid me back within a year.

If the interest is very high then yes I'd probably pay them off for him IF it doesnt wipe out your savings and also checking possible to have legal document sayo g he pays you back

Hankunamatata · 30/04/2021 21:23

I'd also be asking to see he credit file online before handing over any money

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/04/2021 21:29

I wouldn't pay off his debt. Certainly not without knowing all the details. You don't know when you might need your savings. In the future you can put your savings towards a house which will benefit you both

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