To hate that he gets away with it again and again

[Chilledsundays]

I am 8 weeks out of a relationship with a horrible narcissist. I mean it when I say he was one. He did the exact pattern any narc lover does. He love bombed me. Then started bringing up lots of women stories. He started putting me down. My hair. My makeup. My lack of tan. Then it was my choice to stop working and raise the kids for a few years. Then he called me an over thinker. Too much spare time. Eventually he was shutting me down whenever I tried to bring him up on anything he was doing that I wasn't sure about. He was constantly droning on about his ex.

During the final few weeks he became sex mad. He started adding new women onto his Facebook. Liking their photos. Staying up all night on Facebook. He was lying. Slipping up. Mirroring me. Putting me down then complimenting me. Gifts. Broken promises etc.

It ended when he lost the plot over me catching him out flirting. I then got in touch with another of his past lovers who I found out had been involved with him throughout the time I was. We exchanged stories. Realised he had fed up both the same lies. Sent the same songs. Pictures. Put us both down. Judged us as mother's. Even though he left his kids when they were young. It was a massive shock.

I spent weeks coming to terms with what had happened. I'm not a victim and have always been surrounded by positive relationships. Including my parents marriage. That's how believable he was at first. He borrowed money in the end and I did get it back but without a thank you.

I've stayed off Facebook the last few weeks. To recover and find happiness away from him. It's been incredible to feel it all lift. This last week I've been living for me and the children again. I wake up in the morning and I enjoy my coffee without feeling all anxious and stressed.

Today I went onto Facebook. My first job was to block him which I've done. ( I had Deactivated my profile)

I only looked on his page before blocking to proove to myself he would have moved on. I was right. He has been talking to a new women from just a few days after we ended. She's not local. She's allover his page. I looked on her page. She's got grandchildren. She has all her page open. He's allover her posts. She clearly has a loving family and he has nobody. He has no family left bar one adult child who rings. He's fallen out with everyone and has zero people around him in that sense.

It just makes me so so angry. This guy has destroyed so many women with his ways. Literally one of them takes antidepressants who I'm now friends with.

I did so much for him and it just sickens me. I can't warn this woman as he would have told her allsorts about me no doubt. I'd look jealous. But it makes me so mad that whilst I have been scrambling around reminding myself who I am and picking myself back up, he's basically walked straight into another females inbox and started again.

He's not picky either. I'M early 30s
Another one of his ladies is 38
Another is 45
This latest is around 50.
This latest woman is living in a town he hates and has loads of cats. He hates cats and has a dog.

I just need a big rant. I honestly think men like him should be forced into therapy. Just because the damage isn't a physical injury it doesn't make it any less damaging. Yet they can keep doing it again and again and again 😞

Well done for getting out of there 💐. Shame there isn’t fb page for his exes to support each other but that would probably be banned or something.
Whenever you think of him just mentally say ‘ cancel, cancel ‘ and think of something else straight away until you’ve trained your mind to stop bringing him up! Worked for me.

Someone like him should probably wear a tag that sounds an alarm if he comes within a 3m radius of a woman and remains there longer than 3 minutes, but until DA survivors are put in charge of law making, it isn't going to happen, is it?

There is Clare's Law, though, so it's worth asking the police if they feel he should be on the list, given his behaviour. Sounds like he's careful to fly under the radar, though.

Well done for getting him out of your life.
Don’t concern yourself with what he’s up to now, go enjoy your freedom.

I hear you, Chilled, I feel the same about mine. It sickens me that he has got away with everything he did, some of which had horrific consequences, and just carries on with his next victim. I didn't used to like her because she was the OW and now I worry about her. But, like you, I'm not saying anything to anyone as I'll be the one who is 'mental', 'needs treatment' and 'is just bitter and lying'.

I couldn't be happier without him but will always carry the scars.

@NewlyGranny, Clare's Law isn't about listing people like him, and someone like him would not be on it. An abusive man who beat up his girlfriend will not be on it unless he was found guilty of domestic violence or ABH or worse.

He has a role model, Boris Johnson.

I feel myself getting stronger all the time. But I hate knowing how easily he moved onto something else. He was happy to take from me and has not cared at all about me or my children (thankfully he never met them)

I haven't spoken to another man since it ended. I don't have any options without going out to find it. Yet he always has them.

The crazy thing about it all is he's an ex drinker. He isn't the best looking. He's skint. Has nothing in his name. Yet somehow he is able to find a woman to connect with so easily.

I definitely feel bad for this new lady. There's no jealousy at all. It's bizarre as we had conversations about where she lives. He hates the beach in this town. It's grotty and not a nice day out. He said to me that's the one beach he'd never go with my children for the day. Now he's got a lady who lives there. She's not his type look wise either. Can really see him settling with her and the cats at his favourite beach.

He's such a horrible man. I wish he could be stopped.

If you can message her you could warn her. She might just think you are jealous but if you've planted the seed in her head. Eg. It was all lovely then he started putting me down and it just went downhill from there. Not too much detail. Just that you wish someone had reached out to you. You can't stop him dating but then you will know you've done what you could.

I'd leave out all the bits about beaches and cats. He might like beaches and cats now.

Thank you. My issue is her reporting back to him and me getting hassle as she's likely to be loved up if he's Mr charming. I guess she will click on herself and hopefully with her being possibly around 15-20 years older than me she will be abit more able to smell a rat. Although she's not local and may not figure him out. I learned who he was by the way he tripped himself up. He got too comfortable throwing out stories of crazy ladies. I used to think it sounded so ridiculous that someone of his age and looks was batting away the ladies. Most of Us are not so lucky in this lifetime unless we are Tom hardy.

He likes beaches but just not our nearest one. He referred to it as full of chavs and went once and never returned.

The beach and cat comments were me being abit mean towards him on here which is childish of me. But it is like he has gone and found someone exactly like what he told me he didn't like at all. Just seems like another twisted game of his.

I think this lady is perfectly attractive and normal too. she has quite long hair like me. He always commented on me having my hair down and so long too! So he's gone for another long haired lady.

The mind boggles. He works in a very cruel and bizarre way. .. thank you for letting me grumble. It's so hard some days to swallow what he is.

@ILoveShula hence my comment about flying under the radar.

@NewlyGranny, They do fly under the radar. Abusers are often charming when it suits them.
If we were recruiting for a job we would get references, unless it was someone we thought we knew well, yet we don't with a partner/lover.

I picked up on your post because Clare's Law is often mentioned on these threads but a man who assaults a woman he doesn't live with, will probably not end up on it. Even if he was charged for it, he'll do things to make sure the next woman who comes along will not find out about it.

What we should have is a checklist of how to spot a potential abuser.
Easier said than done.

Well, I always recommend people read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" If that doesn't open people's eyes, nothing will.

I've not read it @NewlyGranny, but I was thinking along the lines of something that you could use to spot red flags in a new relationship, does it cover those?

It's so easy to spot them when you have come out of the heartbreak at the other end, but so easy to not spot them when you're with someone new.

I'd write one myself but people would laugh at my stupidity.

@Chilledsundays

I feel myself getting stronger all the time. But I hate knowing how easily he moved onto something else. He was happy to take from me and has not cared at all about me or my children (thankfully he never met them)

I haven't spoken to another man since it ended. I don't have any options without going out to find it. Yet he always has them.

The crazy thing about it all is he's an ex drinker. He isn't the best looking. He's skint. Has nothing in his name. Yet somehow he is able to find a woman to connect with so easily.

I definitely feel bad for this new lady. There's no jealousy at all. It's bizarre as we had conversations about where she lives. He hates the beach in this town. It's grotty and not a nice day out. He said to me that's the one beach he'd never go with my children for the day. Now he's got a lady who lives there. She's not his type look wise either. Can really see him settling with her and the cats at his favourite beach.

He's such a horrible man. I wish he could be stopped.

OP, for someone you don't like, you're obsessing. Leave it.

Get rid and live your best life - everyone else can worry about themselves. Just thank the lord you're out of it.