How come I have to work fulltime but ExH gets away with part time?

[AlwaysMyProblem]

Just had a letter from CMS that my maintenance is going down again! For the 3rd year in a row (we’ve only been split 4 years!) I’ve worked out based on what he earns per hour and what he’s getting per year (CMS told me that much) that he works less than 20 hours a week! (Company he works for publish their pay per hour on their website).

I have to work full time even though it’s no good for either my health or DD. I do it across 3 days and 1 weekend day. DD is 6, has several medical conditions including a muscle condition, ASC is not good for her muscles after a full day at school, and we’ve had more injuries at ASC than anywhere else, she’s just too tired, her muscles are tired and she needs to rest – ASC are great offer her the sit down activities like reading and Lego but they obviously can’t control the rules on bubbles, so she still has to walk from the ASC room to the KS1 toilets which are across the hall, through the cloakroom and then through a heavy door. ASC toilets are used by Reception, I’m dreading next year when she’s in Year 3, because she will have to walk even further to the KS2 toilets if they have the same rules. She also does have to do some walking around the room, to get her snack or get herself a drink as the staff at the ASC are not allowed within 2m of the children unless they work in their bubble in the daytime or it’s an emergency. I work Tuesday to Thursday and then Saturday one week and Sunday the next

I can’t not work, UC wouldn’t cover what I need to cover for DD. Her condition means she needs to swim regularly, it strengthens her muscles and means less accidents in general, so that’s £35 a month. She has to have a specific type and style of shoe to help her walking and accommodate her prescription insoles. They’re £65 a pair. She doesn’t grow quickly but due to the way the insoles have to be changed every 12 weeks, she still needs 2-3 pairs a year. Then there’s all the other normal things that come with children; school uniform, clothes, trainers she can wear for school PE lessons, food, gas, electric etc. She’s not entitled to DLA as it’s only a mobility issue and not a learning or care need. We need 6 sets of uniform as her condition means she has toileting accidents, especially if the weathers cold or damp, so I leave a set at school and also have to have extra complete sets as she somehow manages to get her jumper soiled or wet as well as every other item! Thankfully school have a pretty good second hand uniform shop so I can buy things from there when I’m totally stuck for a small donation to the PTA but it’s the principle, why should I always have to buy everything?

I have to buy clothes for ExHs house well Ex-MILs house as he works and lives 2 hours away and comes back to the area for contact. They won’t buy clothes as he only has her 1 night EOW, so for 48 days a year it’s not worth it apparently (I see their logic!) they refuse to have her extra in the holidays so I then have to pay for holiday clubs, which can be £40 a day round here (only 2 holiday clubs in the local area, and there’s such high demand they can charge basically what they like without consequences as they’ll fill the places and the waiting list easily)

If I ask for extra money he tells me that what he pays via CMS more than covers what I need and if I need more I need to work harder like he does. Because £65 a month covers half of everything I need for her doesn’t it?

I am sick of it; I just wish I could make him work even a few more hours so I could cut mine down. If we were together I’d be working part time, probably 25 hours and him probably on closer to fulltime, although I’d be happy to be the other way round. It just seems I do everything. I am responsible for all appointments, anything to do with school, anything to do with her medical stuff, he won’t even do her physio with her.

I know I am UR but I am just fed up of everything falling to me. Just seems so unfair that I can't even afford to run a car and yet he has a nearly new one.

@pam290358

Sorry, posted too soon. Child DLA is notoriously difficult to claim because DWP will always try to say that a child of that age would require help with various things anyway. If the school are no help then you need to approach the medics looking after her for evidence. I’m shocked that benefit could be denied on the word of a 6 year old that she can clean up her own accidents if she has mobility issues as well.

What I mean is, she had the xrays and orthopedics reviewed them but rejected the referral as they didn't see how they were needed.

Do you work in grocery op? Grocery Aid provide grants for grocery industry workers

a reduction in Child Support could be seen as a "sudden drop in income" to qualify for one of their payments.

www.groceryaid.org.uk/get-help/financial-assistance/

@JustSleepAlready. PIP is not payable for children under 16 - it’s DLA for children which is notoriously difficult to claim as you have to distinguish between the needs of a child with a disability and one of the same age without any impairment. Unlike PIP, DLA doesn’t use a points system so there really isn’t any right way to fill in the forms as the decision makers for DLA have a lot more discretion than those for PIP so borderline cases can go either way. The only advice would be to really think about the answers to the questions on the application form because it’s not the disability itself that attracts an award of DLA, but the amount of help the child needs because of the effects of the disability.m So give as much information as possible without waffling and make sure that each answer addresses the question asked - don’t digress. If you’re unsuccessful the only course of action will be to ask for a reconsideration and then go to tribunal if that’s unsuccessful. You have to apply for a reconsideration within 6 weeks of the original decision, otherwise you need to make a fresh claim.

[quote MrsWednesdayteatime]Do you work in grocery op? Grocery Aid provide grants for grocery industry workers

a reduction in Child Support could be seen as a "sudden drop in income" to qualify for one of their payments.

www.groceryaid.org.uk/get-help/financial-assistance/[/quote]
Not a grocery store no

OP, can I ask, did you take the DLA rejection any further ? Did you ask for a reconsideration of the original decision ? If so what was the reason for upholding the decision. I ask because sometimes the only way to get a fair decision is to go all the way and appeal to a tribunal. There are actual doctors and other healthcare professionals on the tribunal panels - as opposed to the ‘assessors for the DWP who can be anything from a paramedic to a nurse with no experience of the disability they’re meant to be looking at. The actual decision makers at the DWP are not medically qualified so rely heavily on the assessment reports to make their decisions. So a tribunal would get the opportunity to actually see your child and ask direct questions, which may affect the outcome. The tribunal success rate is high, indicating that a lot of decisions are being made on inaccurate or inadequate assessments. Make sure this isn’t the case for you.

You have every right to be annoyed.
Honestly though?
Based on what you've written here, you love your dd more than he does.
You care about her more than he does.
I know some may take issue with that statement, but it's what it looks like to me.
Imagine if both parents decided that a small % of a part time wage and 48 nights a year was "parenting"?
Thank goodness your dd has you!
I know it seems like you get a raw deal now, but you reap what you sow.
Your daughter will grow up to have a much closer relationship to you than him. He's selfish, but he's the one missing out really.

@pam290358

OP, can I ask, did you take the DLA rejection any further ? Did you ask for a reconsideration of the original decision ? If so what was the reason for upholding the decision. I ask because sometimes the only way to get a fair decision is to go all the way and appeal to a tribunal. There are actual doctors and other healthcare professionals on the tribunal panels - as opposed to the ‘assessors for the DWP who can be anything from a paramedic to a nurse with no experience of the disability they’re meant to be looking at. The actual decision makers at the DWP are not medically qualified so rely heavily on the assessment reports to make their decisions. So a tribunal would get the opportunity to actually see your child and ask direct questions, which may affect the outcome. The tribunal success rate is high, indicating that a lot of decisions are being made on inaccurate or inadequate assessments. Make sure this isn’t the case for you.

I did mandatory reconsideration they stuck by it. I went to tribunal once but they still upheld the decision because of what school said. They said she’s a borderline case for DLA.

Only positive thing is that when she is another year old her toileting issues will no longer be typical of her age.

It utterly sucks.

Your ex has probably increased pension contributions or got a BIK car or some similar thing.

Op a couple of posters have offered to help you fill out the forms for DLA again. Why not take them up on those offers. It can’t hurt and might help.
I would be fed up in your situation too. But I think the reality, wrong though it is, is that he’s never going to contribute more than what he currently is. I’d focus on your DD and what you can do to get that extra support. Yes it’s wrong and yes he’s a dick but wasting time and energy on trying to change that probably won’t get you anywhere
. You and your DD deserve better. Wishing you well

That’s just so sad
How about putting all the costs down and sharing it with ex and his parents and asking for any solutions?
Or
Would you get more benefits by going part time or not working at all???

Sorry you have a knob for an ex.
Its depressing how an ex can be allowed to behave like this.

I will help you with dla if you pm me. I’ve done 3 tribunals and won.

You don’t have to have school involved in dla application, evidence can be from anyone who knows the child.

each time I've been told she doesn't require any additional care above that of a normal 6 year old.

But she obviously does. ASC is not suitable, as it would be for another six-year-old.

She needs to swim regularly, which another six-year-old doesn't.
She has to have a specific type and style of shoe, which another six-year-old doesn't.

What a joke. I'd speak to my MP.

I mean, you don't have to work full time, that is the reality. You could do what he does and pay the bare minimum, so the bare minimum. The difference is he doesn't care if the DC suffers as a result, but you do. He is ok with being a bad parent, and you are not. It's so shit when this happens, and it's so hard not to feel angry and resentful, but it doesn't solve anything.
Of course, the child maintenance system massively needs an overhaul, and the benefits system is intentionally inflexible and fails a lot of families who could benefit so much from that financial support, these issues are so important. But as regards you ex? He's just a shitty person and a shitty Dad and not worth thinking about. He might be "tricking" the system, but really he is tricking his DC out of a happy childhood and himself out of a good relationships with them. What a nob.

@Rainbowqueeen. Reapplying for DLA would be a waste of time unless the OP can demonstrate that the child’s condition has changed for the worse and supply supporting evidence to that end. She’s indicated that she’s already been as far as tribunal and the DWP’s decision was upheld because her daughter is a borderline case. If this was a recent tribunal then in all likelihood unless her condition has changed significantly I don’t think the DWP would accept another claim, and if they did, the outcome would likely be the same.

You aren't wrong at all to feel like this is unfair because it is. I dont know anything about claiming the extra benefits so I wont comment on that but the CMS system definitely needs a good overhaul - I had to wait 10 months for a deduction of earnings order to get a single penny out of my ex.

Unfortunately you've just joined a club that many of us are in where a parent walks away from the vast majority of their responsibilities and then often actively finds ways to avoid the financial ones as well. The bar for absent parents in the UK is set so low.... like they should be congratulated for managing a Mcdonalds trip every other weekend? It well and truly sucks, but you aren't alone x

To answer a few questions, I can't cut my hours or work less I just can't afford it, less childcare costs but I'd have other costs I'd need to keep like her swimming and shoes so I'd still have less money to play with. I can't increase my ours for the same reasons as the childcare costs would take away the extra. So I'm stuck.

I don't earn a huge amount myself, £25k. I cope but more money or childcare from him would make things easier

I have applied for DLA 5 times, most recently in January which I took to mandatory reconsideration and was turned down. It was one last year I took to tribunal with which they upheld the decision made by DLA and said she was a borderline case for it, but I thought as she got older we'd get it, I will try again once she's 7 which is end of July as I think it's then that incontience is classes as a problem, although school said it's uncommon but not unusual for year 2s to have toileting accidents.

No EHCP as it's literally a mobility issue not a learning or care issue - EHCP was also rejected as it wasn't a learning issue. Again might get that in year 3. At school she's very chatty, happy but a bit distrustful of new people. She has friends, got party invites and playdates before covid etc. School have said she's more or less the ideal pupil bar the toileting issues.

Will try my MP but I'm not hopeful of it helping.

I don't have anything useful to add apart from what a dick your exH is. How can men care so little about providing for their children? It makes no sense to me but highlights that men and women will never be truly equal.

Please go back to the school and next time ask them to fill the form in when she's having a bad week. Be honest with the school about the costs and shoes and the need for swimming. I can't believe they are not helping you out on this form! You are not asking them to lie, you are asking them to think about her future and the fact that she's nearly year 3.
Ok it's not unusual to have toileting accidents in year 2, but you are implying they are fairly often for your DD. I would say that is not normal. It is so rare for accidents to happen in year 3 and if she's turning 7 in July she's going into year 3 in sept.
Find a sympathetic ear at school. I'm sorry they are not doing more to help you.

Sorry OP it's really not fair.

Any chance his parents would help you out, doing school pick up one or two days a week or anything?

What an absolute piece of shit he is.

I’m a petty fucker so I would cease to facilitate contact - get here uniform back off them and tell them they will need to collect her on his behalf in the future as you have had to take a second job as he’s reduced his hours. I would also give them a dressing down and tbh want to do that for you. I’d tot up everything, including reduced costs of being able to live in a smaller home or take in a lodger (for example) and then ask how they can live with themselves knowing what a skinflint bastard their son is towards his own daughter. I know it’s not their fault but I don’t think I could help myself.

You must feel so helpless

@Bakingwithmyboys. But it’s not just a random bad week that the DLA will look at and the cost of shoes and swimming lessons will likely not be a particular factor when they compare these costs to those of a child without the disability. As I’ve said, it’s not the disability itself but the effects of it on daily life and how much extra help she needs because of the disability - OP has already said she manages toileting herself. It’s not the school’s job to exaggerate on the application form, which is basically what you’re asking her to request. In any case the OP is going to try again at age 7 - hopefully with more success.

I'm another one who can't believe you can't get DLA - thats crazy. I'd suggest trying get help from someone else - perhaps someone who more understands your DD's conditions when it comes to the form. My DD has had DLA for a good whilst now on continence issues and muscle issues. I'm happy to read your forms and compare to my DS who is also 7.

In terms of her dad - its really annoying, RP gets all the stress of the kids. I would absolutely stop providing anything for her when she is with him - his time - his overnight claimed - he sorts it out. Maybe an email to him saying that following the letter from the CMS because you budget is already over stretched you will no longer be providing anything when she comes to him. I doubt if that will invoke any reall useful reaction but you never know. Maybe copy the MIL in too.

Just reading your OP again - bollocks can they force the bubble issue to make a kid walk further than they are capable of just to use the toilet. What happened to reasonable adjustments? If there is more than one toilet then they can reserve one for her - of not then they will have to clean it won't they! Thats just annoyed me.

Sorry OP I think if your DD has toileting needs that is classed as care component for DLA surely?