AIBU to lower my standards?

8 replies

Theblackdogagain · 30/04/2021 08:05

I have twin 11 year olds, one average, one with a delay so behaviour is an issue. I've just gone into the bathroom and two swar words (fuck and cunt) are written on the bath. Who knows how and if it will come out. I'm angry at the destruction of property as I've just got the bathroom nice. If I ask who done it they will both lie and shout at me. There is no respect for the house, there's piles of stuff everywhere and when I ask for it to be moved and sorted everything gets put off. My dh tries but he's having to manage dt2 behaviour as well as part time work and help out his parents. I'm fed up of the arguing and the mess everywhere. I've taken away all electronics but they need laptops for homework etc.
I plan this weekend to do nothing but sort the house. No electronics or games, but to get us straight. But I know it will get trashed again, and I'm the only one who cares.
I have a cleaner who helps but it's the mess that gets to me.
Has anyone got any ideas how I can get my children to want to live in a tidy environment and not to deface family stuff?

OP posts:

skirk64 · 30/04/2021 08:34

With the fuck and cunt on the bath, it sounds like you haven't asked them yet which one did it for fear of their response. I think you need to be firm and consistent in always challenging behaviour like this, and punishing them for it.

With normal children it would be wrong to punish the innocent person, but if they are twins that goes out the window. Twins are equally culpable so it doesn't really matter if you punish both of them for what one may have done. (To be fair, it may be one of them wrote the fuck and the other added the cunt so it might be that neither of them is innocent.)

skirk64 · 30/04/2021 08:34

BTW what are the fuck and cunt written on the bath with? If it's permanent marker things with a high alcohol content like hand sanitizer often get it out.

Wearywithteens · 30/04/2021 08:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster

Theblackdogagain · 30/04/2021 08:39

It's white so I'm hoping soap suds or something, I've left it to show dh and dt to show how inappropriate it is. Thanks for understanding about twins, it does feel like different parenting. They fight all the time but today one was doing up the others shirt.

OP posts:

FizzyApricot · 30/04/2021 08:47

Twins are equally culpable so it doesn't really matter if you punish both of them for what one may have done.

Yes it does.. it will breed resentment if they are constantly treated as one unit rather than individuals responsible for their own actions. At 11 it's important they are given the ability to create their own identity not just "the twins". They don't share a brain.

Original poster

Theblackdogagain · 30/04/2021 08:51

We treat them fairly but differently. They are never the twins but a and b.
However I know from experience they will close ranks and the magic evil fairy will have done it because both boys will swear they were no where near the Bath. The same evil fairy that smashed the phones and broke my giraffe.

OP posts:

stackemhigh · 30/04/2021 08:57

@skirk64

You've got some interesting opinions today Skirk. I'll take them with a pinch of salt.

MumW · 30/04/2021 09:06

I think the twins is a bit of a red herring.

In my house, it would be "You are both old enough to know better. This is totally unacceptable, the culprit owns up and we'll discuss and agree a suitable punishment but if you close ranks, then you both will lose privileges."

You also need to discuss the mess and how it upsets you with you DH and decide a joint strategy to move forward followed by a family meeting to implement it. I realise that, in reality, it's not that easy but you have to start somewhere.

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