To think my 'low self esteem' is quite justified?

[DarkLashes]

I'm 30 and spectacularly single. I was a very late bloomer, and had a rough time at high school. I tried OLD several times since 25 and nothing ever went beyond 3 dates.

A close friend recommended therapy and I decided to give it a go. The first appointment was today and I felt completely crap. It was like admitting to one of the popular girls at school that I had seven toes on one foot. She kept saying 'but why do you feel nervous about dating and intimacy?'. Ermm, duh, because it's never happened!

That kind of questioning would really annoy me! New therapist?

I couldn't afford it on my own tbh, that was NHS. I don't want to waste valuable resources so I think I may just cancel.

You sound exactly like me! Sorry the therapy was crap. I know some therapists offer a sliding scale approach to feed based on what you can afford if you wanted to try a different therapist

Neeeeew therapiiiiiist.

I’ve had a few in my time and it just doesn’t work if you don’t like them. At the beginning of 2020 I decided to try a male therapist and he was crap but I stuck it out for four sessions. The final one in February was when I told him I’d been hearing rumours about a virus in China that would cause large scale lockdowns in the U.K. (thanks Mumsnet prepping threads!) and that it was triggering a lot of my anxiety. He looked me dead in the eye and told me to stop being neurotic, then emailed me a few days after the session saying he couldn’t see me anymore.

In June I saw him with his DCin our local park, as restrictions were lifting. It took everything I had not to walk up to him and shout WHO’S NEUROTIC NOW????

My point being - find a new therapist.

You can always ask for a referral to another therapist and explain you dont think you are clicking. It sound like she was trying to understand what about it upset you the most (because everyone is distressed by slightly different aspects of situations and therapists should never assume why you feel the way you do) but was not wording it well and coming across in the wrong way.

It's worth asking if you can see a different therapist. Just say that you don't feel you clicked with this one and wondered whether there would be someone else you might "gel" with better.

I had a therapist like that at one stage - he just kept asking why I felt how I did, and I found it really stressful because I partly didn't know why I felt like that and because I partly felt that screaming "I feel ugly and unloveable because that's what I've been told all my life" was a bit too much, too soon. Changed therapists and the next one was great.

Ooh, not helpful 😕. It would be in order to ask a few questions about past dating experiences and what had not worked, but not just ‘why?’

And yes, new therapist!

You maybe need to find a new therapist. You have to find one you click with. Given the cost issue look on BACP to find suitable therapist, and look out for ones which offer 'concessionary rates'. Also look for newly qualified/trainee therapists who will be a lot cheaper, preferably one who has done most of the training.

Love that Covid story how right you were!

I'd try a couple more then decide.

On side note. Friend was in same situation (pre covid). She just used online to find people then invited them to meet for coffee after work (she wanted them to see her no make up and in work clothes). She had coffee dates every night for 3/4 weeks before meeting someone with potential. I was in awe actually of how quickly she whittled bloke down with minimum online chat so didnt get invested.

I think it's a valid question for a therapist to ask. The answer may be obvious to you but the answer may not be the whole story... I think therapy can be difficult because it makes us focus on ourselves which many of us find extremely uncomfortable. Have you ever dated in more traditional ways? Why do think these OLD dates do not go beyond a third date? Have you EVER been intimate with anyone? A first session will see a therapist trying to establish a bit of background. It is sometimes worth seeing what the next few sessions bring. I'd personally say in the next one.. 'when you asked this, I felt this...' It will allow you to explore your response. Had someone else asked this question (a man, older woman etc.) would you have responded differently or is she a trigger for the shitty school time? If she is, tell her. Explore it. I wonder if you feel judged because she isn't the 'sort' to understand what it may be like to have limited experience within relationships? Have you judged her by thinking she is judging you?

Caveat: I've never used therapy before. I thought therapists are not supposed to tell you what you feel or say all that much. They encourage you to work through the issues yourself by asking questions so you actually do most of the talking. Maybe that is the reason for her asking you 'why'. If you were not ready to talk, I can understand that would feel intrusive.

I can’t help on the therapy aspect as I’ve never tried it but your history sounds similar to mine - late bloomer, didn’t meet my ex until I was 31, was afraid for so long I wouldn’t know how to be with someone.

Obvs you are you and I am me so aren’t necessarily going to react to things in the same way but if it helps at all - once my ex and i were official, the intimacy flowed very naturally. Once I knew yes, he really did want to be with me, I felt very relaxed with him and easily slipped into things.

Sadly it didn’t last and I’ve been single a year and a half and can feel the anxiety creeping in again but yeah. It wasn’t scary like I was expecting it to be.

It was only the first appointment. You’re not even giving it a chance. They can’t wave a magic wand and make you feel better. You have to actually do the hard mental work of thinking why as in the root cause of your feelings. Next appointment, mention you are nervous because it’s never happened and go from there. Give it at least 10 appointments before requesting a different therapist. It is draining and facing up to things in therapy will make you feel crap at first, but it gets better. She can’t offer help without taking the time to hear from you what the problems are and why you have them.

I thought therapists are not supposed to tell you what you feel or say all that much. They encourage you to work through the issues yourself by asking questions so you actually do most of the talking

I don’t think she’s been told what she feels.
It depends on the therapy. There’s a difference between person centred counselling and various types of psychotherapy.

Some therapists are shite. I've had two, and both were awful. Decided not to bother anymore (for now).
That said... I do know people who have had good ones, so it may just be that this person is not right for you.

It’s too soon to write the therapist off as crap.
Your low self esteem might be justified. No one is saying LSE isn’t often a product of hard times, she’s not blaming you. She’s simply asking the question in order for you to consider why dating makes you so nervous and if that’s a thought process that might need challenging/how to challenge it.
Therapy often can make you feel emotions that are hard to deal with.

At least ten?! Fuck that. You know for sure whether you can work with a therapist after three or four sessions max. Often you can tell after one session that it's not going to work. Ten is just wasting everyone's time if there's no alliance there.

Are you looking for validation of your low self esteem? Because that's not what a therapist is for, they will ask difficult questions which you must then explore your feeling about to understand what has gone before and understand, therefore be able to make changes and move forward in a positive way.

It's too soon to say they are a crap therapist, I think you perhaps need to understand what you are hoping to achieve from therapy, they will often ask what your goals are.

They also need to understand the issues and how you perceive them to be able to help you to move forward.

They need to know why. Everyone would answer differently and it's your therapists job not to assume they know the answer for you, so that they can understand how you think and what life experiences have contributed to your way of thinking.

I think it was a perfectly valid question. No therapist is just going to go along with your negative thoughts about yourself!