Are we bu to not want her to see ds?

[Monicrea]

I've namechanged for this

I'll give some background. When partner was a child he was physically and emotionally abused by his stepdad and emotionally abused by his mum when she was taking drugs. He was also neglected. His dad was given full custody of him. His dad passed away and he lived with his grandparents.

Yesterday he showed me a message that his mum sent the other day. His Nan gave her his number and when he asked her why she said that she has a right to see her grandchild and that she's changed so he should see her too. Partner said he doesn't want to see her and he doesn't want her to be anywhere near ds.

Partner has also said he doesn't want his Nan to see ds as he doesn't trust her as she's trying to interfere and told his mum about ds and sent her photos of him when he didn't tell her to or anything.

If we stopped her from seeing ds are we bu?

YANBU.

Whether she has changed or not is none of your concern. You are allowed to say no to anyone seeing your child if you have your own reasons.

I agree with your Husband in this instance.

What kind of relationship does the nan currently have with ds? How old is ds?

If nan can't understand that he doesn't want a relationship with his mother then he does right to step back. Certainly wouldn't leave ds alone with her on that basis.

YANBU to keep DHs Mom away from DS.

I would be kinder to DHs Nan. She might hate her daughter for what she did to your DH but she still loves her child. She must wish that she could stitch the family back together.

So yes, clear boundaries. Def not leaving her alone where she might take baby to see Mom. Ask her to not send photos to Mom and DH make it clear that he does not forgive her. But no,I wouldn't with old contact with the Nan who stepped in and helped raise him.

She has ZERO rights to see your son.
I would stop your DS seeing his great-gran too if she can’t be trusted.

Absolutely she has zero rights.

Support your partner and do not allow his grandmother or mothet near your child.

He has every right to choose.
Support him in this completely.

100% support your partner on this. The grandmother has overstepped the boundaries here and now she has broken his trust. She will have to rebuild that again.

very unfair of the grand mother, she shouldn't have given out your DHs number either without his permission, I agree with his position on this

No, your child your choice. No-one is owed either an explanation or access to your children.

Your nan has nerve saying she has a right to see her grandchild.

Sack the lot of them off.

I think I'd give his Nan another chance with a strict warning.

She has no rights

It's a parents responsibility to safeguard their child and if your DP thinks his DM would not be a positive person in their child's life then he is doing a good thing standing up for his child.

You have to think about how this will affect your DP too. My youngest 2 have no relationship with my abusive father and step monster and the very thought of them being in my children's lives and being able to influence them reignites my PTSD.

As for the GM she had no right to give out your DPs number without consulting him first. He'll have to explain to her how he feels about it and her answer will allow him to make a judgement on whether she continues to have a relationship with your DC.

If I were him I'd make it crystal clear to his GM that his mother has NO rights to see his child, and that if she (his GM) keeps on then he will cut her out of his life also.

YANBU

The DH's mum is an easy one. No way would she be coming any near any children.

Your DH's nan is slightly more complex. She did this the wrong way.
a) She should not have interfered and pushed her opinion as the "right opinion"
b) she should have spoken to you and DH first before sharing telephone numbers and pictures.
As your DH has said he no longer trusts his nan, I think this is something you have to listen to and be a strong united front together.

No way. I'd be very upset with Nan and wouldn't want to see her for a while and wouldn't trust her with photos or info of DS. last think you need is telling her what school you send him to and his mum turning up. Block mother's number, tell Nan she's broken your trust and you need some space.

Is this the nan that raised him?

YANBU.
I would trust DHs instincts on this.