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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In love with another man

17 replies

VioletSky1234 · 29/04/2021 07:28

I have been with my partner for 10 years, but have been infatuated with a work colleague for the last two years.

A couple of months ago we were in the office together, alone, confessed our feelings for one another and kissed. We decided not to take things further (he is married with children) but since then I cannot get him out of my thoughts, it is like I am obsessed by him. Totally ridiculous I know, and I feel so guilty as I love my partner, although we have been going through a difficult time recently.

I don’t know whether it is my feelings for the other man which is causing difficulties in my relationship or the fact that my relationship is hard and so making me think of the other man so much but I just don’t know what to do.

Work colleague and I speak daily, we are best ‘work friends’ but don’t talk about our feelings for each other...advice please on how to move past this. I know I have behaved really badly and don’t need to be made to feel worse but any helpful advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
MrsWhites · 29/04/2021 07:31

What would you want your partner to do if it were him in this situation? Do that!

As I see it you have two choices - end your relationship if you are unhappy or leave your job and work on your relationship.

icelollycraving · 29/04/2021 07:34

You are likely to get a battering.
Do you have children with your dp? If not and you’re not married, let them find someone else. Can you imagine them finding out you’ve fancied someone else for 2 years?
As to the man at work, he has it pretty good, a bit of flirting at work, no demands then home to his family. He didn’t start an affair so either he’s not a twat or you weren’t worth the risk.

anxietyanonymous · 29/04/2021 07:37

You have crossed the line, no judgement for that it sometimes happens and you have acknowledged it was wrong. But you cannot continue to be best work friends for the moment. As it is supporting the fantasy of being together. You need to give it some space. If it is meant to be then at some point in the future it will work out. When you have
Already crossed the line once it WILL happen again it you continue this level of
Emotional intimacy. And it is continuing to be disloyal.

When you have that space you can then closely examine your own relationship and see if it has any potential to recover.

Affairs do happen when people are unhappy and lost are in relationships that aren't working. They don't usually happen in healthy fulfilling relationships. So it is a sign.

Yes i believe it is possible to love two people at once and yes that is incredibly painful.

Stop it now before it goes any further and break contact. Your colleagues will already suspect. Possibly his wife. And the fallout for him in particular will be massive-although that is his responsibility.

You are not a bad person.

givemesteel · 29/04/2021 07:55

Which one of you 'didn't want to take it further' him or you? I'm guessing you would have done had he been prepared to?

If you actually want to to do the right thing I think the only way of getting over him is to move jobs. Don't make excuses about the pandemic and so on, just start looking for another job with the same intensity as if you had been made redundant.

I'm the meantime you need to stop the friendliness, the lunches and the chats.

I say this as someone who's husband left them for a work colleague. If you are a good person you do not want to do this to his wife and children. You do not want to be that vile selfish person. You do not want to go through the rest of your life with someone hating you that much and the judgement of other people.

There will be other men you'll feel this way about. It might not be your partner but you won't know until you get out of this situation. You might feel its unfair that it has to be you, but you will end up crossing the line in to an affair if you don't.

KarmaStar · 29/04/2021 09:27

Two years is a long time to be emotionally connected to another man. With seeing one at work,one at home you are on a bit of a see-saw .
The office man is married with children so he is not available,he is not an option open to you so close that connection down on every level.
Then decide if you want to be with your dp and can and will be faithful in the future.
If you can't then walk away.you can both then be free to meet people you will be committed to,if,in your case,monogamy is your thing.
But don't continue as you are,you're clearly unhappy and feeling guilty.
I hope you find the right path for you,good luck.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2021 09:32

If I were your partner, I would want you to leave if I knew the truth. I don't mean that in a harsh way, I'm not judging you, things happen etc, but they deserve the opportunity to be with somebody who isn't pining after somebody else. I think that is the only fair thing to do.

Peachee · 29/04/2021 09:53

I think you have a choice to keep acknowledging and reading into the thoughts about the other man or just ignoring them and paying no mind.

I think it all boils down to choice. Sadly that is going to be really difficult here. Xx

osbertthesyrianhamster · 29/04/2021 09:56

You probably need to move on from your partner, but not with a married person.

Babymamamama · 29/04/2021 09:56

Try to keep your pride. Reading between the lines he didn’t want to take it further am I wrong? So distance yourself and focus on your job. No good can come if this. If he actually wanted you more than just a snog he could progress it but he hasn’t. Sorry but that’s the bottom line.

FizzyApricot · 29/04/2021 10:11

I think you need to leave your partner. And get another job.

Chickenriceandpeas · 29/04/2021 10:17

You’re not a bad person - affairs (or near affairs) can happen to nice people if they’re unhappy. It does happen. However, if you don’t want to leave your partner, you MUST leave your job, otherwise this will never end. Leave, then you can sever contact & move in. It’ll hurt at the time but it’s the only way to save your relationship (if that’s truly what you want to do)
Best of luck

Delatron · 29/04/2021 10:24

What’s your relationship like with your partner? Any kids?
Was it married man who decided he didn’t want to take it further? If so you need to park it and focus on whether you are still happy in current relationship. So stop all the friendly chit chat and just be professional.

People can and do fall in love with other people when in relationships, they leave their partners and are happy. (With a huge fall out). I’m just not sure this is the situation you are in though? If the married man won’t and doesn’t want to pursue not your only option is to move on

DinosaurDiana · 29/04/2021 10:25

You need to leave.
If I found out my DH had kissed a woman/man he’d be out the door.

MatildaTheCat · 29/04/2021 10:27

@FizzyApricot

I think you need to leave your partner. And get another job.
This.
cruisetraveller · 29/04/2021 10:28

This reply has been deleted

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FetchezLaVache · 29/04/2021 10:29

Didn't you post about this the other day, OP?

YouAreTheStorm · 29/04/2021 10:32

Just leave your partner FFS!

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