AIBU to feel guilty?

[SummerBreeze1980]

I know I'm not but it's just the way I feel. I'm blaming myself and second-guessing everything.

My boyfriend was aggressive towards me. It was completely out of character but I have 2 DC so I broke the relationship off. I remained in contact with him as friends. He mentioned he'd been feeling depressed and was going to try and get some anti-depressants. He was engaging with the mental health team which was good. However things didn't seem right - he wasn't eating much and was losing weight. I encouraged him to seek further help. He then phoned me a few days ago and told me he thought my house was full of demons and that the demons had made him be aggressive towards me. He was very paranoid and very angry and we ended up falling out. I spoke to the mental health team and said he was really not right. They visited him. A few days later he phoned me in floods of tears. Everything was getting on top of him (a few extremely tragic/shocking things have happened recently and in the last few years) and he was so agitated and again very paranoid and delusional. I was so worried about him - I knew he was experiencing a psychotic episode and was so worried he would do something. So I spoke to the mental health team again. They went out to see him again - they said they could see something wasn't right and would book an appointment to do a full assessment and maybe home treatment team would become involved.

Today he assaulted a housemate and is in hospital for taking an overdose. I'm devastated. I knew something would happen. Why didn't I manage to get that across to the MH team? Why did I fall out with him when he was clearly so unwell? Has he got so unwell because I broke up with him? I just hope he will be ok as well as the person he has hurt

It’s not your fault

You already did more than enough

It’s not your job to stay in an unhealthy relationship and risk the safety of your kids to “save him” from himself

Yes YABU to feel guilty.

It’s the MH team that saw him at fault for not sectioning him and getting him into a hospital. You did far more than any good friend could be expected to do.

His mental health problems are nothing to do with you - you didn’t cause them, you couldn’t change this outcome, and you need to detach for your own sake and your kids sake.

You sound codependent - there are loads of resources on YouTube etc to help.

Step away from his life, it’s his, you have no control over it and no responsibility. You’ve done more than enough. He will have the professional help he needs, please distance yourself from this aggressive man.

I don't feel I did much really.

To be fair he's not an 'aggressive man'. Aggressive behaviour is completely out of character for him. His psych nurse told me to remember it is the illness that caused the aggressive behaviour.

You’re splitting hairs between aggressive man and man who is sometimes aggressive. Psyche nurse should be talking to his next of kin rather than you.

It’s hard to detach but he’s your ex, step away.

It's not your fault. You did everything you could in the circumstances.

OP repeat after me : YOU are NOT responsible for anyone else’s mental health. He is you ex. And clearly unsuitable to be your partner especially as you have DC.
Whatever he does is HIS problem. Not yours.

He’s ill. It’s like saying is it my fault he got cancer. It is nothing to do with you breaking up, and you’ve done the best you can. He’s ill. Professionals saw him and he masked it well enough they couldn’t tell. You’re not to blame and you’re not responsible for an unwell ex.

@SummerBreeze1980

I don't feel I did much really.

To be fair he's not an 'aggressive man'. Aggressive behaviour is completely out of character for him. His psych nurse told me to remember it is the illness that caused the aggressive behaviour.

You're not a professional mental health worker. How could you have known how bad he was? Do not feel guilty. You did more than enough by alerting his mental health team that he wasn't right and they acted on that. There wasn't anything else you could have done. He is not ill because of the break up. He is ill because he has mental health issues that only he can address and get help for. Right now you need to detach yourself from the situation for the sake of your own mental health. If he has family I'm sure they can be the ones to engage with his mental health team. Your focus needs to be on you and your dc now.

Sorry only just seen this post.
Oh dear God.
The first thing that you must understand is that none of this is your fault.
You did what you needed to do protected your children and yourself. This shows that you have the courage to do what is best for your family.
You went above and beyond by trying to keep on top of the situation by speaking to him on the phone. This shows that you are a compassionate, caring person.
You contacted mental health on his behalf and got them to eventually intervene (not your fault, theirs).
You have done your best.
Please take a bit of time for yourself, contact your doctor if you need to. You have been through an horrendous experience and you need support for yourself.
Do not allow anyone to try to blame you. You do not owe anyone any explanations.
I understand that you may feel guilty but honestly you have no need.
It would be best if you could now step back from this situation and concentrate on you and the children.
Easy I know for some random on the internet to say, not so easy for you to do.
Don't agree to any calls or visits. If mental health contact you make it clear that you are done.
Take care. 🍫🍷💐

@PlanDeRaccordement

Yes YABU to feel guilty.

It’s the MH team that saw him at fault for not sectioning him and getting him into a hospital. You did far more than any good friend could be expected to do.

I agree it's not the OP's fault. It isn't the MH teams either. It is almost impossible to get someone sectioned until after the event - they can't simply phone up a hospital and order that they take them into custody. MH services are stretched beyond any reasonable service delivery expectation, and they simply cannot closely monitor peoples conduct or behaviour, force them to take meds (if prescribed) or put them in hospital. Unfortunately the onus is on the person with MH problems to manage their own situation. Stupid I know, in some cases. But you can't blame the professionals for that. They were screaming for more resources and better services before the pandemic hit. What do you think it's like now?