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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think friends should ask how you are?

12 replies

Hairbrush123 · 28/04/2021 22:15

I just got off the phone with a friend. She’s been my friend since we were in nursery and have remained in touch since then.

She is going through quite a few problems regarding her relationship and life generally. All she seems to talk about is her relationship and moves onto something else. I ask her questions about it to try and give a better response which she seems to appreciate. I enjoy our conversations but I’m starting to feel like they’re one sided. I’ve noticed though she never seems to ask how am I? I am planning on moving house within the next couple of months and starting a new career which includes going back to university to retrain which I’m excited about however she didn’t really give me chance to explain nor did she ask what’s new in my life? AIBU to think she should ask how I’m doing? Or should I just tell her?

I asked DP about this and he said it seems like she doesn’t realize what she’s doing as she’s so self absorbed in herself but may not realize it? What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

Cowbells · 28/04/2021 22:17

I get very tired of friends like this and stop getting in touch with them. If it's just once or twice because she's preoccupied with a big problem, that's fine, but if it's a pattern of 'Me and my problems offload, byee,' then that's no friendship.

Original poster

Hairbrush123 · 28/04/2021 22:20

See I think the same but she does thoughtful gestures now-and-again such as sending flowers in the post and sentimental birthday gifts. Maybe it’s just her personality? I honestly don’t know

OP posts:

Silverfly · 28/04/2021 22:26

If you give up waiting for her to ask and just tell her your news, what happens? Does she listen and encourage you etc, or does she appear bored and switch the subject back to herself?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2021 22:32

Is this new behaviour? Some people are innately selfish and you don’t need them in your life, others get wrapped up in themselves when things in their lives are tough and take it out of them and they’ll hopefully change and become better friends again. A crappy relationship can be exhausting and all encompassing. If she’s been a good friend for decades and this is a new thing I’d cut her some slack and just cut in and tell her your news when she’s had enough of a rant.

Best of luck with your move and studies!

Original poster

Hairbrush123 · 28/04/2021 22:32

Well it depends what the news is...

I told her I has several job interviews lined up as she was lamenting about the job market not hiring as many people due to the pandemic (she says she doesn’t want to leave her current job as it’s secure but needs a better paying job so I was trying to give her a reason to apply for jobs) as they once were and I simply told her I had several interviews despite that and she said oh I see. Didn’t ask where or when they were for. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her but what else could I have said? I was trying to encourage her. Did I do the wrong thing?

The once I moaned about DP doing something I didn’t like and she started to talk about how her DP does that and it ended up just being about her DP...

OP posts:

Original poster

Hairbrush123 · 28/04/2021 22:36

@AnneLovesGilbert well she’s been like this for years. I can remember the once she apologized for keep talking about him but she still does it which annoys me. I think it’s a good idea to try and find better friends if I’m being honest. Thank you! Much appreciated!

OP posts:

Sloth66 · 28/04/2021 22:41

I had a friend like this. We’d go for walks, and I realised for a whole hour, she’d talk about herself. If I tried to say something, she’d bring the conversation back to her again.

We don’t meet any more.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2021 22:45

She sounds exhausting. One of the former types. As you say, find better friends and pull gently away from this one.

Bootskates · 28/04/2021 23:04

I would do it back. 100%. Just pick a subject and witter on and on. Hopefully she realises how boring it is being talked at like that but even if she doesn't at least you'll get a word in edgways for a change

Hankunamatata · 28/04/2021 23:07

It's a two way conversation. Tell her, dont wait to be asked

Original poster

Hairbrush123 · 28/04/2021 23:08

Thanks all for the advice. Boots that’s a really good idea! I will have to try that! Thanks 😂

OP posts:

Easttt · 28/04/2021 23:25

I started noticing this with a long time friend. As an example; I’d mention somewhere I’d been and she would kinda just go “oh nice” and that was that. Eventually I stepped away from the friendship because conversations were becoming very one-sided. I’d always listen and give advice to whatever was going on in her life but it wasn’t reciprocated. She’d also constantly call when she knew I was at work as if it was urgent but she just wanted an opinion on a pair of boots...

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