AIBU to not really care about having friends

[OHthatbanana]

So I had a thought the other day that I have never had a friendship where I would be overly saddened or really care much if I never saw that person again (obviously they are alive and well in this hypothetical, I would be sad if someone died or went missing etc.).

I have acquaintances and in the past have had friends I go on nights out and for coffee with etc. Since moving 2 years ago I only really have acquaintances and that doesn't bother me. I never message or call old friends although some keep in touch and I dutifully message back.

I don't like small talk and actually enjoy silence and time alone. I have dh and ds and a dog and don't crave other people other than as distractions for my 3 year old 😂 I kind of miss my family but would only want to see them once or twice a week maximum.

Am I just an introvert or am I some sort of unsociable monster? This is lighthearted really but I do wonder if there is something wrong with me...

I'm not overly bothered by other people either. Occasionally I think, 'I should have friends' and I do see the odd person Once in a while but mostly it's just my family.

I don't feel aggrieved by that.

Other humans seem like a lot of work.

If it genuinely makes you happy then there’s nothing to be “unreasonable” about. It’s your life. Enjoy doing what you enjoy. However, I think people who don’t feel they need any friends do need to be careful as they get older not to become isolated: it’s one thing to feel you can do fine on your own with your OH and DC when you’re an able bodied youngish adult with a young family and the option to build friendships if you did want them; perhaps less so when your children are grown up and leave home and family die and so on, and you’re becoming frail and can essentially become quite housebound and detached.

Yanbu, I feel the same. Sometimes I feel like I should have friends because everyone else seems to

Each to their own. If you're happy, then it's fine.

My older sister doesn't have friends either. A couple of acquaintances, but they have trailed off from face to face meetings over the last decade. And there's a couple of acquaintances through her partner. I honestly don't think she's "done something with a friend" since she was at university... and she's nearly 40 now.

@ComtesseDeSpair

If it genuinely makes you happy then there’s nothing to be “unreasonable” about. It’s your life. Enjoy doing what you enjoy. However, I think people who don’t feel they need any friends do need to be careful as they get older not to become isolated: it’s one thing to feel you can do fine on your own with your OH and DC when you’re an able bodied youngish adult with a young family and the option to build friendships if you did want them; perhaps less so when your children are grown up and leave home and family die and so on, and you’re becoming frail and can essentially become quite housebound and detached.

I thought of my mum, reading this.

She and my dad moved to rural Shropshire 10+ years ago. They built a little group of local friends/acqaintances. But were also just happy with each other. But then my dad died unexpectedly. Leaving my mum a widow at 62.
Then she remembered something her own dad had said when HE was widowed, "say yes to every invitation, even if you don't really feel like it." She followed that advice, and did everything.
3 and a half years on, she has a MUCH busier social life than I've ever had!!

I would love to have friends but I just cant seen to make them, I like to think I'm a nice person, get on well with work colleagues

I spent my whole life up until the age of 17 moving around every 2 years because my dad was in the army, always managed to make new friends, but none ever stuck!

I actually think retired people have quite a few opportunities to socialise e.g they do classes and swim in the sports centre and I see them chatting and going for coffee after

It kind of reminds me of when the DC were tiny and the baby coffee mornings to be honest.

It’s rather short sighted, one day you might find yourself without the DH there for one reason or another and you’ll wish you had other supports and friendships in your life.

Other humans seem like a lot of work

They are, aren't they?

I wonder if as we grow a bit older and have children or families of our own (which can be a lot of work) and then add in ageing parents, it seems like a lot of mental load or work.

It can be hard then finding enough time and energy / resources for friends as well

I find over the years I have tended to catch up with non demanding types of friends, ones who don't get upset if you miss a birthday or something like that.

Tbh I'm sure when I'm old and need stuff maybe I will go on social walks and groups and 'make friends ' but honestly it feels like using people so that if I had a fall I would have someone to do some shopping for me. Is that all friendship is? Having social contacts so that you can use people if needed, even if maintaining the 'friendship' is tiring and a chore?

Reminds me of people (older relatives) asking if I'd made and friends yet after loving with a young baby. I said I'd spoken to a few people but wasn't really trying to make friends. They then told me I must make friends and told me a story of someone who drowned in the bath after a seizure and no one noticed for a week... 😳 um ok then I guess I'll uphold some social obligation that I dont enjoy so that my corpse doesnt lie undiscovered for too long...

So are a lot of friendships just making sure you have people around 'just in case'? Just seems wrong somehow...

@QueenOfPain bit I dont enjoy friendships so are they really friendships and do I really want to put exhausting effort (for me) in just in case Dh decides to pop his clogs before the agreed upon time (in our 80s but I insist on dying first!)?

You don’t miss what you don’t know

I know how truly wonderful it is to have close friends - and my goodness, I’d be bereft without them

But* sorry for so many typos I'm trying to write too fast for my thumbs!

Does your Dh not have friends?

Were you and your DH ever friends before becoming partners?

@Itsabeautifulday81 but what is a close friend? I genuinely don't think I have the capacity or want for it but also not sure I know what it is!

I have had friends who seem to want to try to be close and if I reached out I'm sure I could maintain that but it's so exhausting and feels like I dont want to have a responsibility to maintain a friendship. God I sound awful, I'm honestly not and am perfectly nice to people irl, just like to keep them at arms reach I suppose...

Well I’m sad for you OP as it sounds like you’ve never had a proper friendship so you understandably don’t know what you’re missing.

When I’m having a shit time, seeing my friends for a few hours of catching up and belly laughs breathes life back into me. It helps me reconnect with myself and who I am outside of work and home life.

@Itsabeautifulday81 yes he has lots of friends and acquaintances. I would say he is my best friend and I am his. We got together at 17 and are now in our 30s and still great friends but we were never purely platonic friends if that makes sense. I do have people who would call me their friend but just dont feel like 'omg I've missed you so much let's do loads of stuff together and hang out and watch tv etc.'

Maybe I really am broken... But I'm happy enough
Might start manipulating people into liking me more so I have care in my old age though 🤣

What is a close friend?

My three closest friends who supported me practically and emotionally throughout my divorce. Always there.

The same three, right by my side throughout the years building up to my parents deaths

That’s just the serious stuff. We share the good times, the funny times, the bad times.

It’s like all the best bits of a marriage!

@Itsabeautifulday81 thanks for a good explanation. Dh is definitely a best friend so maybe I only have enough to give to one at a time? Perhaps that's my issue, I can't maintain that with more people. 🤔 interesting...

@QueenOfPain thank you, but don't worry about me, like pp have said you can't miss what you don't have. I don't feel empty or worse for it. I'm really happy for people who have such fulfilling friendships though 😊

Are you me OP? I also really only have what I would call aquaintances where I currently live. And if we moved to a different country tomorrow, I don't think I'd really miss any of them. I have friends who I've had for years, who I see maybe once or twice a year, and catch up on texts, and that is enough for me. I'm starting to dread things getting back to normal as I will have to think of excuses not to socialize 😬

I have aquaintaces and 1 couple friend, happy like this

My DP has no friends at all. He has acquaintances he sees at his hobby, but has no contact with them outside these events and very much ‘floats about’ not spending too much time with individuals.
He’s done the same job, in the same office for 15 years and has no interest in knowing his colleagues. He’s perfectly happy this way.

I’m very sociable and friends are important to me. I’m perfectly happy this way.
Everyone’s different!

DH doesn't have any friends anymore. He used to, but we moved away from our friends and family 9 years ago and since then he has no desire to socialise with anybody.

I socialise as part of my hobby, but I don't have any close friends. No-one who would drop everything and be there for me should DH pop his clogs tomorrow. Then again I realise it takes both sides to make the effort and its not something I do a lot. I do try from time to time, but I've just got fed up now of the cancellations or the half made plans to never be followed through.

PP was right, people are hard work but by that logic so am I.