Help! What do I do next?!?!

[timbletumble]

Please help. I’m stuck downstairs after another dispute with my husband and I don’t know what I should do next.

It’s very long but I’ll keep it short. Basically he loves to be right and will always take things to the extreme when he thinks he is. He hassled a bank for years when he believed he was wronged by them, and more recently took a company to the Ombusdman because his new boots weren’t good enough. There’s so much more than this but that should give you an idea. He can’t let things go and he will obsessively harrass people/businesses daily until he gets what he wants (for weeks on end), always accusing them of lying and manipulation.
Recently he found out a festival he used to help with has wronged someone (they wrote a letter to the committee and it wasn’t shared with everyone on said committee). He left this same festival years ago after accusing someone of bullying him. He had meeting after meeting with committee members and sent many emails for about a year after this incident.

He now wants to take this festival to the head of Charities (whoever that is?!?) and get everyone sacked (employed staff and voluntary committee) and take it over himself. Appointing himself (how?!?!) in charge!!

We had a slightly heated discussion about this the other day and I said that he was hurting me by trying to do this, it would alienate us in our friend group and cause him lots of stress and take away from family time.

He sulked for two days mostly, we had some nice chats about other things at points but I thought what I said had sunk in. He just told me now (raised voice, no eye contact) that he is still upset I am stopping him from doing what he wants to do.

What do I do? Do I say ‘go right ahead but promise me now you won’t bring stress into our home and you won’t let this take away from family time?’
Or am I right? Why should he do this? He’s always so determined to have the upper hand, prove he’s right, can’t let things go. Why can’t he just let this one go please? He says I’m wrong for saying he should drop it because he needs to do the right thing... so I’m the bad guy?

I’m stuck downstairs, stewing. I hate confrontation, people being unhappy, arguments. Should I say ‘go ahead, just don’t bring it home’?
Help me please 😰😢😢😢😢😢

This all sounds very odd OP, does he have any good points? I could not be doing with this! What happens if you just say 'don't be ridiculous!' (as I would to my DH)

I tried to talk to him about how important family is to me and that’s why I don’t want him to do this and he just said (raised voice, no eye contact), ‘I don’t want to talk to talk about it anymore’
But- if he wants to do this so bad, why does he think that sulking and saying he doesn’t want to talk about it is going to get him anywhere? Maybe I’ll just leave him and see how long this goes on for?

Does he have any other rigid behaviours?

Does he display this extreme sense of justice in other ways?

What are his social skills like?

YANBU this would bother me too. Just trying to build a fuller picture of your DH...

Thank you so much for your replies.
I’ll try the ‘you’re being ridiculous’ for the next rant... I’m sure he’s brewing up another one.

My gun and has adhd (not been on medication for 15+ years although he has expressed a desire to try meds again and has an appointment next week).

Although he won’t admit it or seek help I am confident he is autistic. He is great socially except he can be oblivious to other people’s social cues- I can tell people are trying to escape and he’s still going on and on and on. Our friends are very tolerant.

I’ve started to realise over the last year or so that he is intellectually immature and that he seems to lack empathy for my (or anyone’s) feelings. If I am physically hurt he’s fantastic but he’s not good for emotions.
He always seems to think that no matter how upset something makes me, if he believes he is in the right (and unfortunately sometimes he is right lol) that it doesn’t matter how I feel. This festival thing is case and point. He’s right, the festival have done something wrong (not major but whatever) and therefore it doesn’t matter how I feel he HAS to peruse it.
I describe him like ‘a dog with a bone’ he won’t let go.

husband

Thanks OP, I thought he sounded autistic.

Maybe you could try explaining things to him logically?
Try a costs vs benefits discussion. Even though he is right, the effort put into pursuing people to correct this injustice far exceeds the value of his time. Point out to him the inefficiencies of his behaviour and other aspects of life which are unsatisfactory as a result. Look at the pros and cons and try to build a logical argument rather than an emotional one.

Sorry not sure I put that very clearly - basically his time is too valuable to waste on this nonsense.

Another thing to add (sorry I’m sound wound up typing on here is my outlet this afternoon) is that he is excellent in arguing with people, he’d make a good lawyer. He’s intelligent, fast, well spoken, can recall things excellently and does not back down. I on the other hand don’t argue... if he ever tries with me I just keep a level voice and respond with reason and as much calmness as I can keep.

Also he sounds like he would be a formidable lawyer!!

Lol cross posts OP!!!

He always seems to think that no matter how upset something makes me, if he believes he is in the right (and unfortunately sometimes he is right lol) that it doesn’t matter how I feel

Have you said this bit to him? Finding the balance is critical.

Sometimes we have to let things go because the cost of pursuing them is too great (be that emotionally or in time or money). I think a good lawyer knows this and I dont think he sounds like a good lawyer.

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your replies. I always back down because I just can’t be bothered but I’m getting fed up of this way of living and I need to start putting my foot down and knowing when to.

I tried this sort of aspect the other day however I love how you said to try a ‘logical argument rather than an emotional one’. That is a very good idea.

I’ve never managed to win with him normally because, however small the injustice, when injustice has occurred he can’t let go. And this festival used to be very close to our hearts and a big part of our lives so for him this is a big thing to win.. if that makes sense.
Thankyou so much, I will report back later x x x x

It sounds very draining for you. Presumably his good points outweigh this frustrating tendency?

It’s probably a case of being very firm and that if he has to do it, he’s not to tell you about it. That it upsets you needs to be enough of a reason, even if he doesn’t personally “get it”.

Really the key will be for him to at least entertain the idea of neuroduversity, whether or not he thinks he is autistic, he at least acknowledges that not everyone sees the world the way he does. I would try again gently with broaching this.

He sounds utterly exhausting and tedious.

You have my sympathy OP.

I don't envy you.

Good luck! Xx

The good points do outweigh the more challenging points, but that is something I’m sad to say I mentally re assess on a monthly basis these days 😔

He just came down stairs and grumpily said ‘I’m going out’..... I asked where as he walked away and he said ‘somewhere else’ the was gone.

At least I can relax in the house now.

Hopefully he’ll go talk to one of his friends and that will give him balance. I know none of them would support him doing this.

This is so so stupid. Arghhhh ☹️😖

This is no way to live, hugs.

If he complains to the Charity Commission they may possibly do an investigation and probably won't find anyone at fault.

He can't just take over. The charity will have a constitution which will set out the framework for dealing with these things. (If you want to find out what the constitution says google Charity Commission and you can search the register of charities.

This sounds like a very trying situation to be in.

Thankyou, I didn’t believe he’d manage to actually take it over but it’s the fact he wants to try that worries me. How long will this being going on for etc etc.

I will re asses how he is when he’s back and either
a) tell him to go for it but don’t bring any of it into our home (after reminding him the cost of time it will take on our family)

or

b) continue with my foot firmly planted and my head held high

Thank you all x x

Just let him complain to the Charities Commission and let them deal with it.

Let him be right. Don't bother fighting or reasoning as you probably won't get anywhere. Concentrate on being happy.
His fighting to be right makes you permanently in the wrong. Is that where you want to be? Would you be happier away from him?
What would happen if you discussed his right-fighting and made him aware that it was destroying your marriage? Could you even do that?

If I was married to him I'd be making lists of challenges to keep him busy for years and out of my hair.

Good luck, and lots of Mumsnetty support behind you

He sounds like an absolute nightmare OP.
There is no rationalising with someone like this when the red mist comes down.
When he is calm you could try asking him what he wants to happen as a result of this grievance he has against the charity and try and make him see the consequences.
I don't think he would make a good lawyer for the reasons others have said, for that you need to be dispassionate and logical.

Funny how he doesn't behave this way with his friends when they oppose him or 'give him balance'; just with you.