Apologies for the long post. I think the back-story is important and I didn't want to drip-feed.
I am the mother of a teenager. We now live in the UK. I went to live in a European country about 20 years ago, and met my DS’s dad, and had my DS. We split up when DS was about 3. When my DS was about 6, his dad met a new partner who has become DS’s step mum.
The backstory is that at first everything was rosy, the stepmother was wonderful to my son, took him on outings and gave him presents. He lived with me and went to them every other weekend. Then, when they got married and he started junior school, they asked for joint residence. I felt quite protective about it, but ultimately agreed, as I believed it was a fair approach, that DS was old enough for it to be a good solution, and that despite our differences, I truly believed that his dad was a good dad and I trusted him to be a good parent.
To cut a long story short, it slowly started going downhill. The fact is that DS’s dad is a nice man, but spineless, and it turns out that his wife has some kind of personality disorder. They made my DS’s life hell, and they made my life hell, to the extent that I have come back to the UK with my DS to protect him from their toxic influence. It was also to protect my mental health, as I was no longer able to co-parent with DS’s dad who is under her influence and has no mind of his own. He certainly is unable to keep his son’s best interests at heart.
It has been brilliant to be removed from their influence. My weekends are no longer taken up with dealing with their issues. My phone is no longer an object of dread every time it rings or beeps about something else that has gone wrong. My every conversation with friends, family or my partner is not dominated by whatever their latest (negative, energy-sapping) problem is.
My son is a really well-adjusted young man, doing pretty well at school, gets along well with peers and adults, and has a good range of activities. He has his moments, as do all teenagers, but I’m really proud of him and the way he conducts himself. He has really good male role models in my dad, my brother and my partner. He and I went to therapy together in his last 2 years of primary school, to try to untangle this whole mess, so he understands the situation, and knows why we moved away. He loves his dad but knows he’s under his wife’s control.
I’m writing here today as despite the distance, they still manage to put spanners in the works. The latest is that despite me informing them of my leave and (potential) plans during the summer, they have come up with a plan which is completely incompatible with ours, is impossible to plan at the moment in any case, and involves logistical impossibilities.
As far as they are concerned, they want one thing and I want another, and they are always right. As far as I am concerned I have tried to plan something which is as simple as possible, which is as workable as it can be in the current situation, which suits everyone, and which allows my son and his dad to see each other. I’m really happy to make concessions within the three weeks holiday I’ve been lucky enough to get, but I’m not putting my holiday at risk (again) for a hare-brained scheme, which seems to come down, yet again, to DS’s step-mum making it as difficult as possible for her husband to see his son.
Which brings me to my AIBU. I am really fed up of dealing with them. I’m fed up of them being able to get away with thinking that their manipulative behaviour is the same as my reasonable behaviour, and therefore deserves equal merit. I’m fed up of being sent rude messages and being shouted at over the phone.
AIBU to use a lawyer to talk to them from now on? Does anyone have any experience of this? Any tips? And thank you for having read this far.
YANBU = get a lawyer
YABU = you can negociate this without a lawyer (how??)