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CancerOGD1 · 28/04/2021 11:45

Hi folks I feel as if after 20 years of marriage I entered same with blinkers - I have 3 great children - due to do A levels this year and next and don’t want to destabilise them .... but I think my husband wants out but wants me to ask him to leave ... he over the years has told me I’ve ruined his life / or calmly responds he is indifferent various attempts to plan things - I hand a good job and work very hard but still manage the house - he has his own business and can do his own hours and has to travel ... covid had made me observe many things ....
Ive utterly accommodated him over the years. - I’m paying the bills for shppping / school fees ( boarding ! / and it’s got to the stage if I want a decent holiday with kids I’ve to organise and pay ...
he can be nice - but now when I look - it seems there was an agenda or / wanted sex or he calculated to offer or suggestion to do something nice - in the knowledge it wasn’t really possible - he had very plausible reasons always for things .... I have t been able to sleep with him for a year - everything just feels so fake as if he “ performs “ a role - to appear reasonable but doesn’t really care about me ... but needs to look as if he tries his best fit others to see ...
kids are beginning to notice ....
For several birthdays he has been just odd... years ago - our first year together he never acknowledged my birthday but spend ages on phone later telling his family it was my birthday and he had great plans - I went upstairs to change thinking we were probably going out to dinner - only to come down to find him watching football and clearly no plan .....
He surprised me by booking a lovely restaurant 2 years ago and telling us all with 2 hours notice - we all jumped at it - then a sudden tennis game came up “ doing a favour” —— I guessed there was no booking and instead of call his bluff and ho without him to restaurant and embarrass kids I just went to cinema with them .... when I brought it up later ....he said I should have told him not to go to tennis ...
I was 50 this year and tried to organise family trip - noncommittal - but then takes over to tell kids about big family trip to Italy organised - we all seem to know it’s all bs.... but he just makes this up and of course covid prevented everything- even his brother said to me that got him off the hook .... he tried to gate crash friends ( not v close ) trip with a cake for my birthday 4 months before my birthday - and when I was horrified accused me of not being agreeable - setting him up to fail... as he said .. we just need to get the box ticked .... I organised 4 diff quiet family things fir my birthday- each had to be cancelled as covid restrictions kicked in - I never made a fuss .... but was trying for once to take control .... anyway on day - he had to go to work - I had worked really hard all weekend as all kids home from boarding school - so lots of laundry and food etc and I work full time and long hours .... I was grateful to have them home tho .. we celebrated one child’s birthday ... and I forgot to make a space for my birthday while everyone there .... had to drive my daughter (2 hr trip to school ) the night before my birthday and realized too late I should have got a cake when we were all together... I was really upset - ran out to buy a cake but was too upset to carry thru so left it —- next day - my birthday- husband goes to work - leave a spa voucher and cheap birthday card he found at home out ( my daughter would have made him buy the voucher ... my sons brought be breakfast in bed abd we went on a hike ... my husband arrived home for a big lunch / suggested I would want to do a 4 hr round trip with boys bs k to school ( I do enjoy their company ) but they insisted I should relax and my husband do it ....
so I ended up on my own that evening ... I had no cake / no flowers from my husband - I got lots of flowers from others ... my husband brought home 4 muffins to light candles in and made sure to get pictures with everyone else’s flowers in the background to send one.... I really had to work hard to smile and pretend all was well ...he delayed coming home - stopped went for a walk turned a 4 hour trip was 5 and half hours ... wouldn’t participate in bubbly even when his family rang to wider me well - his sister sent a family hamper of treats which I was keeping to share as a family - but my husband used them all / ate other chics I git too .... my daughter is usually thoughtful
And I said it to her a month or so later a d she was horrified ... he had told her he had great plans for a cake and neighbours to come in as a surprise ..

This is just one event - but there are many like it where I have given him benefit of doubt ...way too many - he once came in from a night out - and I found a condom in the bed te next day - the story for that is too long to go into ... I’m quite traumatised by sudden flashes or temper - 5/ 6 times a tear - mean comments - o sometimes feel he trying to trip me up ...
And trying to push me to leave ... I’m a co director of his company and now am worried are there things I don’t know ...
I don’t believe this relationship gives me anything but dread the process of leaving ...
am I mad ... yesterday I found condoms in his work bag just left lying around .... he again a few months ago in response to an argument about him leaving door wide open in winter ( again ) ... I was very polite by the way - said we should split - and when I agreed - suddenly changed his tune ..., am I mad or what

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

DinosaurDiana · 28/04/2021 11:47

Why on earth are you still with him ?
Get an STI check and a solicitor.


HilaryBriss · 28/04/2021 11:50

I am also wondering why the heck you are still with him. I would be making plans to LTB.


sonicshoegazes · 28/04/2021 12:01

This isn't a relationship. He provides nothing for you or your children. Please value yourself more and leave him. He's horrid.


Weirdfan · 28/04/2021 12:21

If you are mad it's because he's driven you there! Honestly OP he sounds like a total head-fuck and you really need to get away from him, is the process of leaving really more daunting than years more of this?


CancerOGD1 · 28/04/2021 23:03

Well - I ve organised a good therapist finally and spoke to divorce lawyer a few months back who was pretty clear ... so I’m getting ready to press the button - wound love to find a fair and civilised way to start build up to it - he had a go at me this evening because I passed the dog and didn’t notice it digging up new plants ... - we are both under pressure work wise and he was always supposed to collect kids but we were both hoping I might manage ( and meet some if the other mums) but work too crazy - I can’t leave — I’ve juggled things to picn up one child Thursday and take pressure off him ... so he’s also mad I was planning to do a weekly shop tonight - and then told me I was not self aware / should get out for excercise and walk to the shops in the evening and get the kids involved .... ( there is some value in what he says and I have put on weight ( am 3 stone overweight) but practically / time wise I cannot do all of this without being literally tethered to household duties all weekend ... he kind of jeers about me working and being a bit preoccupied with it - but that’s the nature of my job - I have negotiated extra pay and holidays - which all comes back k to the family ... ...
Anyway I stood my ground - explained non perishables needed to be got - he checked and proved me wrong - there was in fact loo roll left ... my point is I am struggling to just tell him calmly that he’s abusive / clearly has no regard for me ... so if he wants out go for it ..... my solicitor pointed out lots of danger signals te how I have allowed myself be set up as breadwinner but there are hints his money not managed well ...,she gave me talks to do ....
I just want a fair exit for us both at this point and minimal hassle for the kids ....... but I am going to have to stool engage and develop a way to point his poor behavior out - despite its seemingly rational reasons ... is it really so bad I did not notice dog digging as I passed !

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