To start trying to implement rules with 2yr old and eating?

[Pethaireverywhere]

My DD has just turned 2, she has never been easy when it comes to eating and meals, she has a very small appetite so won't eat big main meals which is fine and prefers to snack. She is also still breastfeeding and fills herself up on milk alot which doesn't help when it comes to mealtimes regarding appetite etc.
She used to love fruit and fairly healthy snacks e.g rice cakes, yogurt, raisins. I'd say in the last 3 months she refuses most of these and has become much more aware of food like sweets, crisps, chocolate etc which she was offered as treats sometimes but now wants them all the time.
It's got to the point where she will refuse all main meals, she will look at the plate of food and either try one bite and spit it out or just refuse it without touching it.
Throughout the day she will ask for food and I have a basket of her snacks for the day which is fruits, baby/toddler snacks like organix and kiddylicious but shes even starting to get fussy with those now.

I have an older child (late teen) who was much more fussy than this and I dont think I handled it well, they are still to this day very fussy and I dont want to repeat history.
My question is, would I be unreasonable to start implementing some kind of rules now or should I wait until she's older? I don't want to send her to bed hungry but for example last night she refused dinner, it was left on the table for an hour untouched incase she wanted it and then she went and got a packet of crisps. I said no and she cried so I offered fruit and yogurt which she said no and so she went to bed with just a breastfeed. I feel horrible but i can't just let her refuse dinner and then give crisps when she asks can I?
Despite this she is visually a healthy weight (not been weighed lately) she's not chubby but she isn't skinny, but she probably gets alot of her calories from breastfeeding which is a whole separate problem as I think if she wasn't feeding she'd have more appetite!

Sorry it's long, anybody have any advice?

@Pethaireverywhere

Regarding the breastfeeding I think mostly the only reason I haven't cut down or quit is because I cannot offer an alternative she likes, she completely refuses cows milk/plant based milks, hot or cold in a special cup I've tried it all.

She has a vitamin D and calcium supplement because she certainly doesn't eat the recommended portion of dairy a day.

It’s not necessary for her to drink any type of milk, it’s just a handy way to get a serving of calcium into them. So if you want to stop bf you still can and she’ll likely be hungry enough to eat proper servings of yoghurt or cheese (or plant based alternatives). She will be fine drinking water.

You can continue bf if you really want to but more like two short feeds per day to replace a couple of cups of milk, if you think you’ll struggle to stick to that in the face of her wanting more then weaning completely is probably the best bet. Or you could get a pump and offer your milk to her in a cup to get used to drinking milk that way as part of the process of stopping!

I would personally be wary of going down the road of letting her watch tv or play while she eats to distract her and hope she eats absentmindedly, that’s going to become a real problem as time goes on. You want to respect her own limits and decisions around mealtimes, not try trick her into eating if that makes sense?

Also as I’m sure you’re aware it’s truly a myth that she’s getting everything or almost everything she needs from breastfeed by now. It’s fine to continue if a parent and child enjoy it and it’s not interfering with weaning onto solids. But the downsides for you seem to be much greater than any upsides if she’s risking nutritional deficiency from not fully transitioning onto solids. Breast milk is great but it’s just a food, not a magic liquid, and toddlers need variety and all kinds of things breast milk can’t offer :)

Well she’s not going to drink cows milk if she’s only used to breast milk - they taste quite different! Honestly you need to cut down on the boob, you know she’s filling up on it. And stop those pointless baby snack things too they are not nutritious. You sound like you find it hard to say no to her, you are allowed to make the rules, it’s ok to say “no” to a toddler. If she goes for the boob when you sit down say “no that’s for bedtime” then distract her.

This is an excellent free resource btw with really simple recipes that you can make for her and the rest of the family too if you’re stuck for ideas.

Issues around food can be so fraught, we’re hardwired to want to see our children eat and if they’re not eating what we want them to it’s easy to just resort to trying to get something, anything into them. And the stress when you feel they’re not eating enough can be overwhelming. You’ve got this though, sounds like you just need to be a little firmer and have more confidence that as the adult you are able and best placed to decide what she is fed and when. She’s still tiny enough to respond really well if you don’t delay ❤️

static1.squarespace.com/static/59f75004f09ca48694070f3b/t/5a5a322fc83025fbb01f413a/1515860551067/Eating_well_recipe_book_july_2014.pdf

@MissyB1

Well she’s not going to drink cows milk if she’s only used to breast milk - they taste quite different! Honestly you need to cut down on the boob, you know she’s filling up on it. And stop those pointless baby snack things too they are not nutritious. You sound like you find it hard to say no to her, you are allowed to make the rules, it’s ok to say “no” to a toddler. If she goes for the boob when you sit down say “no that’s for bedtime” then distract her.

My friend had great success with putting plasters on her nipples and saying they were out of order and distracting her toddler 😂 whatever it takes. I’m glad OP has shared this as I think it’s one of the potential complications/downsides of longer term breastfeeding that is rarely discussed. I have quite a few mums in my circle currently who are really struggling with various issues related to wanting to stop bf and feeling like they’re unable to because they don’t know how to comfort their toddler otherwise, toddler is demanding it, toddler isn’t eating because they’re constantly at the breast just like when they were newborns. My own original goal was to bf until two and I wasn’t able to get that far but the more I’ve learned about the rarely discussed downsides to it the more relieved I am that we didn’t actually get to that age.

Please do cut down the breast feeding, let it tail off. You might find she eats better if she no longer has a milk feed.

Just cut out all the snacks and treats. No more snack basket. Then she will have enough appetite for three nutritious meals a day.

@PleaseValentina

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a two year old child continuing to gain a large proportion of their nutrition from breastmilk. Breastmilk doesn't suddenly lose its benefits at any particular point, be that six months, twelve months or two years. Here is a short list of some of the nutrients found in breastmilk at between one and two years:

In the second year (12-23 months), 448 mL of breastmilk provides:
29% of energy requirements
43% of protein requirements
36% of calcium requirements
75% of vitamin A requirements
76% of folate requirements
94% of vitamin B12 requirements
60% of vitamin C requirements
— Dewey 2001

(Note the energy requirements are the thing provided in the lowest proportion, so scaling up if your child IS meeting their energy requirements you can see they're getting plenty of everything else too!)

As long as you are OFFERING a selection of healthy foods you can allow your child to breastfeed as much as they want (there is a major developmental leap around the se ond birthday which may explain why they want to feed to much right now) and not worry about what they actually CHOOSE to eat. Snacky trays as described above can be good, for breakfast you might offer cold omelette, banana, yogurt, then for lunch crackers, cheese, ham, cut up grapes, apple slices, then for dinner breadsticks, hummus, carrot and cucumber sticks etc.

Remember the division of responsibility: it is your job to decide what to offer, but your child's job to decide what to eat

I would really recommend the book My Child Won't Eat by Carlos Gonzalez (a paediatrician). It covers lots of different things including historical attitudes to weaning - basically, we now wean (in both senses, starting solids and finishing breastmilk) significantly earlier than the historical norm, when most children were weaned around age 3.

This!

My daughter is 2.5 and up until a month ago was a proper boob monster.

Try timing boob feeds close to meals instead of cutting out. Put a song on of your timming choose and tell her when it stops booby stops.

Find something 2-3 mins long

@Pethaireverywhere

Regarding the breastfeeding I think mostly the only reason I haven't cut down or quit is because I cannot offer an alternative she likes, she completely refuses cows milk/plant based milks, hot or cold in a special cup I've tried it all.

She has a vitamin D and calcium supplement because she certainly doesn't eat the recommended portion of dairy a day.

Mine doesn't like straight milk at all but we do cheese, natural yogurt and honey etc. Organic low sugar banana milkshake was used as a treat

I promise she will cut down breastfeeding on her own (unless you are done with it then that's your choice). Mine went from feeding all the good damn time to three time a day (10 mins max) and one at 4am to get her back off to sleep.

Keep snacks light and healthy

Hope things get better for you

For cutting down breastfeeding I found that a policy of "don't offer, don't refuse" helped loads so I didn't offer any feeds but if DC asked for it then they could have one. They all cut down naturally using this method until only the bedtime feed was left.

One of my DC has a restrictive diet and the advice from their dietician is:

• try and serve meals "family style" wherever possible with the dishes in the middle of the table so that everyone can take their own (obviously a 2yo would need help) and control their own portion size as well as which components they do or don't have on their plate

• at every meal, offer 1-2 safe foods that you know will almost certainly be eaten so that there is never nothing your DC can/will eat

• the main meal of the day (dinner for us) should be two courses, a main meal followed by a basic dessert such as fruit or yoghurt. The dessert is allowed with no strings attached, it is simply another part of the meal, and no matter how much or how little of the main course is eaten. The idea behind it is that it removes the idea of a food being a treat or a reward and, importantly, means the child gets enough calories across the two courses

• there is no obligation to try everything on the table/plate, there should be no cajoling, begging, or pleading, no "one more bite" and no "just taste it"

• serve the meal, allow a reasonable amount of time for eating it (30-40 mins is plenty), and then take it away with no comment on how much has been eaten

• if nothing/very little has been eaten then try and stretch to the next meal time but if its going to be a long time (e.g., overnight to breakfast) or they seem especially hungry then around an hour after the rejected meal offer a basic snack such as crackers and cheese, veggie sticks and dip, toast, etc. The snack means they're not sitting there getting excessively hungry (hello tantrums!) and the break means its not a replacement meal for the rejected one, it's a separate snack not related to the earlier meal

Also make sure she has a daily multi-vitamin (WellKid is recommended by the dietician) and around two cups of milk a day to cover any nutrients she might be missing due to her eating habits.