I hate myself

[rockbottom88]

I have zero self confidence and will often stutter and get hot and flustered when speaking to other people. I worry hugely that they’re judging me and it makes me extremely anxious. I did well in my exams at school but am so inarticulate - I always stumble over words, can’t explain things properly and just can’t articulate what I mean without getting in a panic. I often see people looking at me when I’m talking with a baffled expression on their faces. Telling a story or a funny anecdote would be way beyond my capabilities.

There’s nothing to me - other people can tell funny stories and talk about everything under the sun, but I’m shy and quiet and even if I wasn’t, I’d still have nothing to say for myself.

I have a kind and loving husband who I feel I let down because I’m so depressed and hugely anxious all the time. I know it must be a massive burden for him to live with someone like that. We have a little girl who may have some health issues (we’re waiting on diagnoses).

Without going into too much detail, I allowed myself to be bullied out of a decent job I had several years ago because I just couldn’t cope, and that has dented my self esteem even further.

I’ve started drinking two or three glasses of wine every night just for some escapism but I know it’s not helping in the long run, as my mood is even lower the next day.

I feel so sad and at rock bottom.

OP, for a start there is absolutely nothing wrong with being quiet or shy, and I bet your husband thinks you’re fucking fabulous. Have you seen your GP about your depression? Sending you a big unmumsnetty hug.

I don’t know if I have actual depression really. I feel in a low mood the majority of the time and get incredibly anxious and worked up about what my husband says are minor things. I also have crippling social anxiety. I always assumed I’d get naturally more confident and relaxed as I got older, but I’ve actually got worse.

So sorry to hear this Rock🙏💗
How do you feel about the idea of therapy or CBT, I think there is help out there that could work for you💡
You're good at exams... do you like to read? Are there any self-help books that appeal to you at all?
not saying that's the complete answer but it could get you on the right road 😊

OP everyone is different. Just because you are not the life and soul of the party does not make you a social write off.

Know yourself. Stop judging yourself so harshly and think about the qualities that you have that you are choosing not to tell us.

I think your anxiety stems from your own expectations that you know you cannot fulfill because you are simply not that sort of person. Wouldn't life be awful if everyone was confident and exuberant and funny. Wouldn't it be competitive and awful ??

I wish I could give you a hug. You sound lovely.

Ah OP that must be tough. But your husband and DD love you, and they’re the most important people. You might possibly have PND - have you spoken to your GP? Counselling might help too. Try to cultivate friendships in small groups rather than crowds so you don’t feel too many eyes upon you. I bet you’re better company than you give yourself credit for - a problem with self esteem and low confidence is that they can put you into a downward spiral where you don’t believe in yourself and make yourself feel worse. You need to try to change the negative way of thinking. Read up about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. And honestly I’d much rather have the company of someone who’s quiet and shy and someone who’s brash and gobby.

Also read up about Myers-Briggs personality types. There’s no right or wrong personality (well, within reason!) everyone is different and valuable in their own way.

just wanted to say I can totally relate to what you have described. You’re not alone. I always wished I could be “normal” like other people. I wished I could chat casually with people and not feel so awkward all the time. I eventually learned that there is no such thing as normal. You are enough just as you are op.

Your social anxiety is lying to you. Every kind of anxiety is a fucking liar. Your anxiety makes you believe that people are thinking negatively about you, and I would bet everything I have they are not. The truth is, other people don't care enough to think about us, they are too busy wondering if and what we are thinking about them. Sadly, these lies, which are an unfortunate, inappropriately timed hormone release, are keeping you trapped in a vicious cycle of fear and uncertainty. It is horrible and makes us believe terrible, untrue things about ourselves.

Please get help for your anxiety, and start doing your own research about it and what may be causing it. You have people who love you and you do not have to live this way. Anxiety can only control you if you let it.

I highly recommend the book "DARE: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks" by Barry McDonagh. It's brilliant and you can get it downloaded to your phone right now off of Amazon.

I also have to add...

Please stop drinking alcohol. It makes anxiety massively worse.

Another vote for stopping the alcohol as it in increases anxiety the next day.

Thanks everyone for the kind replies. I just feel so worthless.

I don’t think I have a speech impediment - I’m just highly aware that I’m not very articulate and therefore feel nervous when talking, and that’s what makes me stumble over words and say the wrong thing.

You’re right about the alcohol, I need to stop. I just find that it helps me escape for a few hours.

feel nervous when talking, and that’s what makes me stumble over words

Your speech is impeded. You have the right to get it resolved so you can live normally.

Stop drinking, live in your discomfort and get it resolved.

Do you drink caffeine? I don't anymore as I identified that as making me anxious.

Have you heard of Toastmasters? I have seen people with exactly the same difficulties as you really flourish there. If l hadn't witnessed it with my own eyes l probably wouldn't have believed the transformation. There is no pressure and you move at your own pace. Do something for yourself when lockdown ends and join or get CCT .
But if l meet someone who stumbles on words or is shy l think nothing of it and just accept them as they are. Everyone doesn't need to be the same.
But as its upsetting you make a firm decision to do one thing for yourself.
Stumbling over speech won't affect your dh and little one but believe me if you get a bit too fond of drink it will.
Take care of yourself

Sending you big hugs OP. I can totally relate to what you have described.

I am 45 and after years of trying to live with social anxiety and low self esteem finally accepted I needed help. My GP has prescribed me Sertraline, which can help with anxiety and depression - it has taken around 6 weeks to start working but it is beginning to help me relax a bit in social situations. I have also been referred for CBT.

Alcohol doesn't help with moods - it really is your enemy.

Breathing exercises help me a lot - they calm the levels of cortisol in your body right down.

What I mean to say is - please go and talk to your GP. You deserve a better life than this.

I echo the PP who said that not everyone likes or feels at ease with over confident people who appear the life and soul of the party -they can be incredibly annoying. It sounds as though there are some good suggestions above on getting some help so that you can converse with other people on a more relaxed way, but yes, the drinking could well become far more problematic than your shyness.
I have a friend who is more relaxed now than she used to be and her way of helping herself was just to talk to one person and genuinely show an interest in what that other person did, job, interests etc and just ask a couple of short questions to get going and not expect to have a long conversation. She practised her ending comments - it was really nice to meet you etc and said that each time she did it it got a bit easier. She doesn’t want to be the one entertaining a big group but she is much more relaxed about having conversations.

Thanks everyone. I’m sick of every social situation feeling so daunting and like a massive ordeal. I get so worked up beforehand it’s awful.

I have to disagree with you about being inarticulate: your posts are so articulate, fluent and well-written.

Don't let the anxiety win. Whichever way you choose to tackle it you really should learn to see it as a liar as pp said. Your anxiety is lying to you, think of it as an unfaithful partner, doing you no good.

Alcohol is not the answer, makes anxiety and depression 10 times worse. There are other ways and even medications (not necessarily antidepressants) that can help. It's totally worth speaking to your doctor, you're totally worth talking to your doctor.