Do second time Dads make better fathers ? Opinions please

[Kindasup1]

I've been reading about second time dad's who had a first family young then divorced their wife and go onto another relationship and start over and compare and say they are better fathers the second time, having learnt from mistakes and in a better place financially and emotionally. I wondered if anyone has a partner/ husband who has expressed this same opinion?? Is this sentiment common ? Do second time dads make better Dads ?

@VladmirsPoutine

I always hope that the younger women of the 2nd wives club who are a lot more starry eyed than their predecessors know exactly what they've let themselves in for and are prepared to deal with it. God knows I couldn't but to each their own.

Starry eyed?

I've got some choice words for that remark.

Why do people have to be so rude and condescending as if second wives are stupid naive little girls? It's fucking offensive.

Fwiw dp was/is a good dad first time around, and second time around. No dumping or abandonment has gone on and I am certainly NOT starry eyed.

I guess it depends how you define "better". Ex has stuck around longer with his '2nd' family than he did with us. But whether he's as useless as he was when ours were small is anyone's guess.
He'll claim he wasn't involved because I didn't let him though.

Flip this situation. What would you think of a second time Mum? Ps it should be the same but it isn't, and that takes the piss.

Depends on the circumstances, if we were to have kids (not happening) I'm sure we would be better in lots of ways because we have learned from previous mistakes and can afford to buy in services, the best schooling etc. What we would definitely lack is energy and I would be concerned that one of us could get seriously ill or worse before they reached properly into adulthood so I would not risk having kids (even though it might be possible)

I'd take a read of the step parenting boards to be honest - read a selection of those and decide if you want a blended family.

Depends on the circumstances probably. DH had his first DC quite young. It was an unplanned pregnancy early in the relationship. They tried to make the relationship work but the pregnancy did put pressure on. I wasn't around at the time but I think from what he says that he wasn't a particularly great parent in the early stages. He loved his DC but wasn't partiularly hands on with the baby care and left all the decision-making to his ex.

Ironically, after they separated and shared custody, he actually became a lot more hands-on as he had sole responsibility more often. When we had DC, he was clearly thrilled and very doting but interestingly he still wasn't as involved in the baby and toddler-related things as I thought he should be. It might be that he is just useless at that but I do wonder if it's because he just repeated the pattern that he had learned the first time. He became much more involved day-to-day as they got a bit older and he of course has the benefit of being around all the time. His first DC is an adult now and they have a very close relationship despite having not been a full-time parent to him since the age of 3 or 4.

I know some second time fathers who met a younger woman and had a second family and they are actually less involved with the kids because I think there's a feeling that they've done it all already.

I should probably point out that in my DH's situation, the breakdown of the first relationship was at his partner's instigation so was not a case of him having "abandoned" his child as often tends to be the assumption.

No

I'd say no they aren't better but older, so less energy, and richer.

One I know does literally nothing with his DD and leaves it all to his wife. She says she feels like a single mum.

The second did do nothing until covid when he was forced to be more involved as his wife had to work.

If a man was so rubbish with his ‘first family’, I wouldn’t start another family with him.

DH was a good dad first time and still a good dad now DD2 is here.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing - Exactly.

Who are these women who see a man being a shit father 1st time round and think "that's who I want to father my future kids?"

I've never understood it.

Prime example. Man I know cheated on his DW with OW. OW is quite involved in the family and has seen for yrs first-hand how entirely hands-off his parenting is.

OW gets pregnant, DW finds out and kicks man out.

Man moves in with OW, starts new family, is entirely hands-off again and cheats on OW. OW bemoans the fact at what a rubbish father he is and the fact that he's cheated.

But what did she expect?

He's now on his 3rd family and the pattern is playing out again.

The assumption that all men having 'second families' (or really just more children with a different woman) are dumping their first kids is the issue here - if they have abandoned their older children and still want more, then yes they will probably be a crap dad.

On the other hand, if they don't live with their older children but in spite of this are very involved in their lives, make great efforts to stay in contact with them, and are open about their love for them and how they will always be family no matter what, then they will probably be the same with any subsequent children.

Also, it is sometimes (though obviously not often) the case that men can't see their older children because the children's mum doesn't want them to, sometimes for valid reasons and sometimes out of pique. There's no simple answer to any of this.

@Morechocolatethanbarbara

He sounds like a real catch! Of course, all of his exes are just crazy women asking for the impossible!

DH was (and still is) a good father to his first child, he's also been a really good dad to our children. He was more experienced and I think calmer second time around, as I think I was when DS2 was a baby compared to DS1 and I found it reassuring in a way that had been through things before.

Unlike some people like to think, he wasnt richer (we actually had less money as he was paying towards DSS) and didn't abandon his first child but I was younger but not starry eyed.

You don't get to say "I'm a good dad because I look after some of my kids well" you either look after all of your kids well or you're a shit dad.

If I was a builder and I built some of my houses well and some of them shit I wouldn't be a good builder would I?

I know an awful lot of women who say their partners have become better fathers with their second child- you know, shocked by the first one, more prepared for the second/subsequent children, and consequently more relaxed with the baby/ supportive with their partners /more confident etc etc

I don’t see why that wouldn’t hold true if someone had had their first child in one relationship and second in another- but I if it’s a question of “second families” rather than “second children”... I’m not sure why they would be?