To think name changed aren't straight forward after marriage?

[Ticklemycarpets]

Newly married. We have kids together already with his surname.
I can't decide what to do regarding my surname. AIBU to be known as one thing but to keep official documentation in my maiden name?

I have no huge fondness for my surname, but for some reason I'm hesitating on changing it to his.

I'll try to explain.. if you can help me figure out what my problem is and have a tried and tested solution I'd be very grateful 😊

I like the idea of having a family surname I.e. being the Banana Family. Plus being Mrs Banana for things relating to the kids, school parents evening etc.

I'm not so keen on faffing around changing every bit of admin that has my maiden name on. When I think it through there is so much to change.. email addresses, social media, work, HMRC, passport, bank accounts, all the bills, drivers licence etc.
It all feels a bit unnecessary.

What are the practicalities of going around calling myself Mrs Banana but still having Miss Mashed on all my official documentation? Does it create confusion?

I know there are some people that have one name for work for example, how does it work in practice?

Double barrelling is out.

It's not the name itself that I'm sad of losing, more that I'm wondering if it's all a bit unnecessary. I'm happy enough being Miss Mashed when calling the bank..

In theory, it's totally fine to be known by two names. There is no legal requirement to keep to one name, and the option to use your husband's name after marriage is a courtesy, which you can take or leave.

IME, in practice, it's getting harder to use two names. If you're literally just using Mrs Banana for social stuff, I bet it's fine. But if you end up with any documentation, you may find it's a headache sorting out ID.

I was in the same situation. We had three kids with his surname and then we got married. I took his name and I regret it 🙈 I really miss my surname and it just doesn't feel right. It's hard to switch back too because people assume you've broken up. DH doesn't actually mind either way, he just wants me to be happy but I thought I wanted us all to have the same name.

I got married and kept my maiden name, my kids share their dads name. It's never caused any real issues. The school have always used my husbands name for me which keeps things simple but for work, banks etc. I love my maiden name and feel very attached to it so didn't want to lose it.

I am legally still my maiden name, but I also use my husband's name in a few circumstances. Like "We are the banana family." Some people assume I am Mrs Banana and I dot correct them.

Occasionally I do wish I'd just changed it, but it's not a huge deal. The main reason I didn't was I didn't want to deal with the administrative bother. If I had I'd have taken my maiden name as a middle name.

If you want to keep your name for professional / identity / feminism reasons then I would totally support that.

But if it's just a matter of admin then I'd bite the bullet and do it. More hassle in the long run to have different names. Once it's done it's done!

I have my maiden name on my (very, very recently renewed) passport, on my mortgage and a couple of bank accounts but use my married name pretty much everywhere else (including on my driving licence and on other bank accounts). I also use, as my first name, a name that is not on any of my ID docs (and I use that together with my married surname) on a day to day basis, including professionally. I’ve used the “alias” first name since I can remember.

It all works fine for me and I’ve never had any issues. I do have to remember which name to use when I book flights, but that’s the extent of the hassle involved for me.

If you’re in the UK, don’t over-think it - it really doesn’t matter to any authorities what you do, whether you change everything or just some things, or whether you change in one go or over time; it’s definitely not an “all or nothing” scenario.

Thanks for replying. Silverfish, I think that's the issue... I'm not quite sure what my reason is, perhaps identity a little.
I am comfortable with my name change a part of that family unit, but out in the world on my own I'm not so sure.
I think I'll sit with it for a bit, as I don't want to change it and then regret the decision.

That's interesting Moominfeatures, I had presumed that mortgage, passport and driving licence all had to tally up

@MoominFeatures

I changed my name by deed poll so my maiden name became another middle name and took my husband's surname. I kept my maiden name at work. A few months of going through this rigmarole my husband had an affair and I had to divorce him and change everything back. I will never change my name again as it was such a bloody nightmare! The reason I did this was because I heard if you have a different name to your children you have to evidence you are their mother if you travel and take their birth certificate and stuff which seemed like a massive hassle. I always hated giving up my surname and it was such a nightmare trying to get people to understand my new name I would never do it again. I think technically in the UK you have a new name just by using it and not using your old name but If you need to prove it to anyone you need official documents (e.g. passport). You also might get confused what name you have given out and get locked out of your bank account like one of my friends. It's a minefield.

Loads of people I know go by two names - it’s seems to be the most common option in my industry. It doesn’t seem to cause any problems. If you really want to you can get an ‘also known as’ page in your passport with your married name, but in practice I don’t know anyone who bothers because it’s not unusual for women to have different names to their kids (in some cultures they always would) so it never causes trouble.

It helps to have one ‘official name for all your official stuff. For most people I know that is their maiden name.

We got married two years ago and I still haven’t changed my name on everything yet. Bizarrely, the most complicated processes I came across were O2 and the student loan company so they’re both still in my maiden name.

I’ve also kept my old firstname-lastname email address as I have everything signed up to it and can’t be bothered to change it all to a new one.

I wouldn’t want to use two different names though, that would be too confusing for me!

Makes no difference whatsoever if you have different surname to your husband or kids. Has never caused me issues with school/preschool or nursery. Travelling alone with child we bring birth cert anyway. My DH does too as although he shares a surname with child there’s no proof he’s got PR without the cert. only once been asked for it the apologetic border control agent once told me that it should be asked quite often. I didn’t change any documents at all and have never been known by a different surname. Occasionally cold callers will assume I’m Mrs but that just helps to weed them out quickly.

Get him to change his name instead

I got into a bit of a mess by changing some things. For example I had a credit card with my non married name and my passport in my married name which caused problems when trying to hire a car abroad. I then got divorced and changed things back which resulted in a bank account I can no longer access or close because even although the account was opened in my non married name they wouldn’t change it back because I couldn’t provide ID to prove it was my account.

I definitely wouldn’t change my name if I got married again and don’t see why women should but I understand that some people want to. I would definitely say change everything or nothing though.

If you have a job where you travel and/or meet lots of new people, it is useful to have the name you use at work match the one on your passport & other official documents. Otherwise, every time some organization books you a flight / hotel to travel for business, they will book things in the wrong name & you have to change it.

Of course, if your job does not involve travel etc, that may not matter.

YANBU to not marry Mr Hammock and be known as Ms Banana-Hammock!

But no, I agree with you OP. Changing your name is a PITA. I started doing it very gradually when I’d been married about 12 years, still haven’t fully done it after 23!

I changed my name on some things like bank accounts but not on passport/ driving licence/ mortgage. Made it easier to go back when separated.

Thanks all, I think it sounds like a major PITA to change it all - the email address is the major one as it logs me into loads of stuff.
Obviously we hope never to separate but similarly it seems naive to presume this would never happen and I don't want to throw my entire identity away. I think I will be Mrs Banana at school and for school things / family things and for official documentation leave it as it is.
Thanks for your help

My driving licence bank accounts, medical card etc and all bills are in my first married name ( same as my children )
My passport is in another previous name.
It has never been a problem however with the Covid app passport coming up I am wondering if this may be a problem for future travel abroad?

We both changed our surname to a joint new one when we married. It wasn't too bad changing the names in terms of paperwork etc most were straight forward and online just had to provide proof. But if your happy with just being Mrd banana socially, that's probably the best route!

But why would you need to change your email address? I am marrying soon and will change official stuff but my email won't change, I can't see why I would need to as I don't use it for ID etc.

I don't use DH name but I do occasionally say "X is the family name" when e.g. registering the DCs for something.

I found it very straight-forward to change my name.

I do have some unimportant things in my maiden name - things like my Pets at Home membership, for example, but otherwise I found it very easy to change everything over where necessary.