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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did they prefer me when I was struggling?

15 replies

Zwills · 27/04/2021 18:39

Sorry for the long post. I’m just baffled by this at the moment. So I was in an extremely abusive marriage and eventually gained the courage to leave. That was 7 years ago. Since then I started all over from absolutely nothing, having not finished my degree as I dropped out due to depression. I worked my way up within 5 years in my current role, gained qualifications in the role, I also worked part time in the weekends from home to make ends meet so I could afford small holidays etc with dd who is 8. Although exhausted from doing everything alone I was content with where I was and felt that my 25k salary was enough for us. I was the least ‘successful’ within my social circle. Now I am happily married and have a 1 year old son. My maternity leave has come to an end. Having spent all those years working full time with dd in childcare from the age of 1, I really do no want to go back to work just yet so I can enjoy the early years with my second child. I didn’t take the full maternity pay for that reason. My husband supports my decision and I would still be able to be self employed part time working from home. My question is why are all my friends & family suddenly so judgemental in my decision to take a break now that I have a partner who is happy to support us? During the years I was struggling as a single parent they would complain to me about wishing their partner would allow them to follow their dreams and give up full time work to pursue that and how I’m lucky I have a second job/skill to ever fall back on but now that I get the chance to focus on that why are they acting like I’ve committed a crime and interested in how I am surviving and If I’m broke or how I managed to buy certain items I couldn’t afford before? Being all competitive and have also stopped confiding in me with their problems since getting married and suddenly acting like their lives are perfect. Obviously dh had savings and our living costs are not that high. He earns an average salary 28k and we have a strict shopping budget and a spreadsheet on income and outcome. Anything I earn I spend as I wish which was impossible before. I have got to the point where I can’t be bothered to meet up with them for fear of 100 questions about why I didn’t return back to work ft if I have new shoes how could I possible afford it! I deserve this break (not that bringing up kids is a break at all!) but I feel like they were more than happy to see me struggle as a single parent working non stop, barely seeing dd but to see me not stressed out and more relaxed is bothering them for some strange reason. AIBU to just cut them off as I can’t be asked to be around those who are clearly not happy for me?

OP posts:
Bearnecessity · 27/04/2021 18:44

Jealousy.....

Royalbloo · 27/04/2021 18:47

Don't ask their opinion and if they offer it then politely tell them you've decided. But definitely do not ask.

NewlyGranny · 27/04/2021 18:53

People pigeonhole each other and measure their own success and happiness by comparing themselves to others. Your circumstances have changed, you've changed and others can be uncomfortable or even unwilling to adjust. Shrug it off, follow your path and give them time to catch up. Shed any who don't.

We're happy for you!

Feedingthebirds1 · 27/04/2021 19:00

It wasn't that they preferred you, more that they felt confident to tell you want they wanted, believing that neither they nor you would ever have it. now you have. And they're jealous so they're trying to take the shine off it for you to make themselves feel better. Let them get on with it.
(Although I'll be honest, some of them might actually cool the friendship through jealousy.)

Royalbloo · 27/04/2021 19:01

I think some people put others into boxes from which they can never escape. Try acting completely differently than you did before or they won't notice the difference- if you asked for their opinion before then don't now, just state the facts and how happy you are. Does that make sense?

Sadsiblingatsea · 27/04/2021 19:02

Congratulations on all your hard work.
Find new friends! This lot sound jealous and nasty.

TheGumption · 27/04/2021 19:06

Maybe jealous, maybe worried you might put yourself in a vulnerable position by leaving work. Either way it's your business, not theirs.

Msmcc1212 · 27/04/2021 19:07

Firstly, that sounds awesome and great that you are focusing what matters most rather than seeking more and more and more.

Secondly, I wonder if their questions are coming from curiosity about how it works because they would like to do the same rather than as judgements.

Mellonsprite · 27/04/2021 19:08

Jealousy I’m afraid, jealousy you can afford it, jealousy you can budget so well, jealousy your DH is supporting you and they want to do it.

RoseyMinerals · 27/04/2021 19:13

They're jealous you have come out the other end to a real version of a happy ending - with a supportive partner who also wants the best for your happiness. They're clearly not happy themselves! You're not following the silly rules they have internalised.

Zwills · 27/04/2021 19:23

I’m not going to lie, after the trauma from the previous marriage I did say to myself I would never leave work. Dh suggested if I wanted help with childcare from his parents we could move to his hometown which is about 5 hours away since I don’t have a lot of family nearby. However I decided against that since my daughter is already in school and I wouldn’t want anymore changes for her at the moment. If I did go back to employment now there would be the childcare fees which really would leave us worse off. But then again it’s not like I don’t have any income for myself now and if I was to go back to work in the future at least I’ve got the experience where as before I had nothing.

I don’t feel like I have anything to be jealous of! They know how hard life had been for me the least they could do is pretend to me happy for me.

OP posts:
Zwills · 27/04/2021 19:30

I forgot to add that I used to ask for their opinion and advice A LOT! I did get a lot of dodgy comments and questioning/putting down my ambitions. That changed when I was able to take control of my life and was more secure in my decision making and not needing their approval.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 27/04/2021 19:34

They're "crabs in a bucket", OP. Classic case.

Congratulations on making a better life for yourself. Flowers

ilovesouthlondon · 27/04/2021 19:44

Yes they prefer to see you struggling.
Yes they are jealous of you...
You were the yard stick they used to measure "well at least my life's not that bad"..now they are having to take a real hard look at their own home life. How dare you improve your life. Now who can they pity? My advice.. distance yourself until they are distant! When people show you who they really are believe them. Make new friends! Join meetup.com!

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 28/04/2021 16:19

Some of my family members were extremely weird about me staying at home with the children. It used to upset me, now I just ignore it.

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