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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable

19 replies

NatureWalk · 27/04/2021 09:34

My exh has his 3 kids (7,5,3) Sundays and Mondays. He picks them up Sunday morning then drops them to school/nursery tues morning and I pick them up from school.

Its been this way since we split. It was a bad split, things got messy but throughout the child arrangements were one thing we agrees upon.

Now he's been offered a new job amd wants to alternate every other week week one having them thur & Fri and the next sat & sun.

We only have dsd thur Fri and Sat (she gets picked up Sunday morning) so it would mean every other week she doesn't get to see her siblings they are all incredibly close so she'd miss then terribly.

Me and dh also have things set up around the current areangement. I'm at uni and dh works and all of this is carefully balanced around the days we don't have the kids.

Would I be a complete twat to say no to the arrangements changing. I'd he insists on taking the job I could possibly get grandparents to help every now and again but wouldn't expect them to do it every other week.

I also don't think exh would pay for or take the kids to their Saturday club they all attend together and absolutely love.

The only plan I can come up with is offering him every other weekend with them (as long as he takes them to their club). It would mean having to sort something for the Mondays but I may be able to at a push.

Am I an unreasonable arsehole?

OP posts:

ElderMillennial · 27/04/2021 09:41

They are both your kids I am guessing not just his kids as you say in your first line?

I think if circumstances change then this needs to be taken on board and I don't think it's reasonable to work contact around your DSD because her other parent's circumstances may change too and it's not unusual to have the children at different times.

I am not sure what you are proposing instead but if it works for him then that's fine. If it doesn't and he needs to change the arrangement for work then I don't think DSD not getting to see your children every other weekend is not a good enough reason.

ElderMillennial · 27/04/2021 09:42

I also think if the shoe were on the other foot and you needed some flexibility, you wouldn't be happy if he expected to work around his partner's child's schedule rather than yours.

Hankunamatata · 27/04/2021 09:43

Things change. I think you would be unreasonable for an outright no.

Hankunamatata · 27/04/2021 09:44

Every other weekend is pretty standard

Quartz2208 · 27/04/2021 09:49

Given it is a new job I think you need a proper chat with him about how to create new arrangements that work for you both - dont automatically say yes but saying no just because of your DSD I think is unfair. Saturday club though isnt so ask him what he thinks about that.

Try and find a way that works - this isnt going to be the last time that things change the way it works so I would go in trying to work it through together.

You are unreasonable with DSD he is to suddenly decide he cant do either Monday and expect you to deal with it.

So I would say to him that you are open to change it to reflect his new job but he simply cant just create something that works for him without thinking of the impact on you so you need to work out a new arrangement together

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 09:51

Now he's been offered a new job amd wants to alternate every other week week one having them thur & Fri and the next sat & sun.

This sounds like a massive pain. It's more consistent for him to have them on the same days each week.

Keep the arrangements that suit you.

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2021 09:53

Are they your kids? Seems odd to write he has his kids. Are they your step kids.?

Original poster

NatureWalk · 27/04/2021 09:56

@ElderMillennial

I also think if the shoe were on the other foot and you needed some flexibility, you wouldn't be happy if he expected to work around his partner's child's schedule rather than yours.

I wanted to do my uni course full time but can't because I have children. I've been working a job I hate because it's the only thing I can find that fits the schedule we have. Yes I'd like some flexibility but he only wants whats good for him. I've asked him before to have the kids because I was really ill (before I met dh) and he kicked up such a fuss calling every name under the sun and saying how I was ruining his day off that I've never asked him to have our kids at any other time other than the arranged days.

OP posts:

Original poster

NatureWalk · 27/04/2021 09:59

@Bluntness100

Are they your kids? Seems odd to write he has his kids. Are they your step kids.?

They are 'our' kids not even sure why I phrased it like that.

OP posts:

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 10:00

Then absolutely don't give into him now.

Original poster

NatureWalk · 27/04/2021 10:01

Also this is the man that last year was going to move away and only see his kids a couple of weeks in the holiday. It was only the oldest saying he didn't ever want to see his dad if he left that made him rethink his move (amd he still regularly brings up how I ruined his life for telling our son to say that. Which obviously I didn't.)

OP posts:

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 10:08

What happens when you start working after uni, you will have to find childcare that alternates each week!

Not worth it, these are his days, he needs to find childcare.

Ponoka7 · 27/04/2021 10:17

Is he struggling to find work or earn enough? How essential is it that he changes jobs? That needs to factor in the decision making. Are your children actually siblings, or step siblings? As said you wouldn't like it if he had to factor in a partner's child. The relationship with their father is more important.

Things are going to be changing once you qualify and as the children get older. So rethink being totally inflexible. Would your parents like more contact? That usually increases as the children age.

Tooshytoshine · 27/04/2021 10:25

His new job is not your problem. It sounds like he needs to sort out childcare arrangements on the two days a week he is a parent.

Original poster

NatureWalk · 27/04/2021 10:27

@Ponoka7

Things are going to be changing once you qualify and as the children get older. So rethink being totally inflexible. Would your parents like more contact? That usually increases as the children age.

He's in a lot.of debt so would like a better paying job as I know he struggles.

I have 3 children with exh and one step child (so.4 in total).

I.never said I wouldn't like it if he had to factor in a partners child, in fact I'd expect him to take a partners child into consideration as I take my stepdaughter into consideration with every decision I make.

My children's relationship with their dad is already rocky, they are closer with their stepdad as he does more for them. They find going to their dad's boring as he doesn't do anything with them so I'm not sure how we'll they would take going all weekend.

My parent already help out a lot and my mum suffers from a bad illness so I wouldn't feel happy asking them to do more. My inlaws also help out but don't drive so wouldn't be able to do school runs etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

NatureWalk · 27/04/2021 10:30

@Tooshytoshine

His new job is not your problem. It sounds like he needs to sort out childcare arrangements on the two days a week he is a parent.

This is my feeling as well (I've had to factor in childcare costs with uni and work) but he thinks we should just be able to change arrangements.

He also has poor track record of jobs usually leaving after a year or 2 so I don't want to changeoit lives around if he's just going to leave in a year.

OP posts:

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 12:01

@Ponoka7 this man is never going to flexible with OP, his behaviour to date has shown that.

Much easier to keep the status quo.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/04/2021 12:09

Nope YANBU

I would have a think about what would work better for you (if anything). Offer him that and possibly discuss it/come up with a plan together, but if he starts getting shirty just tell him no, you'll stick to the current arrangements. He can get childcare if he needs to. Flexibility works both ways, you're not there to facilitate his life.

Dogfan · 27/04/2021 12:29

You sound very accommodating to me! I think if you have an existing schedule to work around, based on the sunday-tuesday setup it's pretty unreasonable of him to change it now unless you can reschedule your life without much drama. If he needs this setup I think reasonable he pays for childcare for days you can't accommodate because of your course etc. To be honest he probably should have discussed this with you before taking on a new job and it sounds like he assumed he could do what he wanted and you would accommodate him which is incredibly selfish not to mention rude! Ultimately you want your kids to be happy so I would do what you can to facilitate a change provided it doesn't make life any more difficult for you but make clear you are doing him a massive favour and next time this needs to be agreed before he commits to a new job!

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