I have a real dilemma in my life right now, I am probably digging myself a giant hole and potentially causing myself future issues.
I’m 48, married with a 13 and 15 year old and work very part time hours.
I am and have always been very close to my parents. They live around the corner from me. Dad is 80 this year and mum is 78.
Dad is in good health and up till last year was riding a motorcycle. My mum has Alzheimer’s, she was diagnosed 3 years ago and as is the nature with this wicked disease, she is getting steadily worse. She is also in constant pain with osteoporosis.
My dad does not cope well at all, he gets so angry with the diagnosis and takes it out on mum as though she is forgetting on purpose! He says his life is over and he feels trapped and can not even go down the shed on his own. He does the cooking and washing up but really doesn’t do any other housework. He thinks if he keeps badgering my mum to do it she will suddenly ‘remember’, which obviously won’t happen, so subsequently things build up, laundry doesn’t get done, bed sheets go unchanged etc. Even mums hair doesn’t get washed regularly (something my sister and I are going to have to do from now on in).
I spend most of my spare time helping out. Every week I take mum out to give dad breaks, I arrange all her hospital and gp appointments and take her to most of these, I order mums meds and collect them too, I have arranged for her to go to a day centre once a week and I take her there and collect her (although she hates it so will probably cancel it soon!). I have organised financial things for them ie mum now gets attendance allowance and dad council tax reductions etc.
I go round 6 days a week.
My sister only goes once a week, she has no children but works full time, she will do some cleaning but that’s it as she says she is too busy (she’s home most days at 4pm!). She too lives nearby.
Obviously with this disease things will start to get much, much worse and I can already see changes, mum is very depressed and just sits in the living room a lot of the time, she often looks vacant and her short term memory is shot to pieces, she cries a lot. She does perk up when I take her out for a drive etc but goes downhill once she is at home.
I appreciate living with a dementia patient is bloody tough going but don’t think my dad helps as he puts her down and tries to make her do things which the Alzheimer’s just won’t let her do.
I can’t arrange for a professional carer yet as my mum is still aware of things and says she does not want a carer or a stranger in her home, it makes her feel useless.
I am so stressed with it all and find the burden of caring/worrying about my parents welfare 24/7 overwhelming. It feels like caring for children.
To add extra woes, my dh says I am doing too much and we are starting to have heated discussions about it. He thinks my dad is being very selfish expecting me to always be there to do so much and that he should be doing a lot of it himself (ie the laundry, changing bed sheets and washing mums hair etc) but I know he won’t do it so I feel stuck between a rock and hard place, although I admit I wouldn’t want to put this burden on my own dc.
It also pisses off dh that dad doesn’t offer me any money for the help I do even though he knows I struggle a little financially. Mum and dad are very financially comfortable so that does sting a little tbh.
I am concerned how much I could take long term as I already suffer from anxiety and depression. I can see as the disease takes hold I am going to have to help more and more. This will have an huge impact on my life and my dh/children’s too.
AIBU to give up so much of my time and energy looking after my parent? Would you do the same?