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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you deal with someone who stands between you and the person you're talking to?

32 replies

HidingUnderARock · 26/04/2021 22:27

This has happened to me twice now as a very particular and intentional thing.
When in a group but talking directly to person A, person C interrupts loudly steps between us facing me and tells me their opinion very forcibly. Completely blocking my view of person A who is now looking at C's back. When I step or lean to the side to make more of a triangle and talk to A again C steps to the side to block us.

There must be a name for this. It is infuriating and I don't know how to handle it. Getting infuriated doesn't help of course.

In both cases person A and B are doing work at our home and person C (and D) were brought in as additional. They clearly thought their opinion was the most important and should carry the decision. I didn't.

I am not good at decisions and find it helpful to talk them through before making them. A knows that and is helpful and patient, but just stands quietly and lets it happen, which I don't blame him for at all.

It is obviously a thing. I just want to be able to name it and to stop it in its tracks rather than standing helplessly getting lectured.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/04/2021 22:28

You have to be equally forceful and say, "Sorry, I want to hear what A has to say. Do you mind stepping out of the way?" Be polite but very, very firm.

Howyoudoingirl · 26/04/2021 22:30

Say oi you make a better door than a window.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/04/2021 22:31

I would tell C that if they continued with that behaviour, they were no longer wanted /needed/welcome in your home.

Rosewood017 · 26/04/2021 22:32

Does person A have history with person C? Perhaps try to have a quiet chat and ask if he finds C too domineering

Seeingadistance · 26/04/2021 22:33

You say, “You need to move. I’m speaking to A”.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 26/04/2021 22:36

So you're employing C? (Whether directly or indirectly)

Tell them to step aside so you can hear what A has to say.

TheNestedIf · 26/04/2021 22:40

Don't be subtle or apologetic about it by doing things like trying to lean around C. Make it clear you want to hear A's opinion, whether you wait for C to finish or whether you interrupt. "I'm curious to hear what A has to say. What was that you were saying, A?"

aquashiv · 26/04/2021 22:40

It's called ignorance. The best approach is politeness. Apologise didn't you see us talking?

Fuckingcrustybread · 26/04/2021 22:44

Are A, B, C and D male? If yes, it's just plain and simple misogyny. A might be more aware that it doesn't do to piss off the person who will pay you.
I've found that a forceful C, I'm not fucking talking to you usually works.

Weeedonkey · 26/04/2021 22:50

This happens to me and I hate it but I’m the one looking a person C’s back. My friend is usually person C.

Often if standing and talking in a group of 3 (pre Covid) she will end up positioning herself in between me and the other person so I’m blocked out and stood like a lemon. She doesn’t do it on purpose I don’t think she’s just unaware but it infuriates me.

Original poster
HidingUnderARock · 26/04/2021 22:55

Thank you, yes, I am employing C through A&B's company. C is B's friend.
I wish I could say "Sorry, I want to hear what A has to say. Do you mind stepping out of the way?" It is what I want to say but I would have to shout and would sound angry. C was very loud and forceful and took no breaths.
I like this "oi you make a better door than a window."

The problem is also that when the lecture ended A went to buy some materials and I had totally lost what I wanted to say, so the work went ahead the way C wanted, not the way I wanted and is now well done but wrong, and would take days and £1k+ new materials to redo how I want, and so I am angry at myself too for his method working on me.

I did mention to A that I was not happy about the way C interrupted and A talked to C later and C has been a bit quieter.

The problem I think is with my reaction being overwhelmed by it. That's obviously his intention, and I want it never to work on me again.

I also do want to tell them to rip it all out and tell C that I don't think we need 3 people right now. However I have a good relationship with A&B which I don't want to spoil. It's not something I can do myself and I'm through with kissing frogs.

I feel quite ungrateful but at the same time duped. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
HidingUnderARock · 26/04/2021 23:03

Yes, all male, mid 20s. I am female 50s.
C doesn't feel any need to cover his misogyny, but generally knows how to be polite and funny.

I am under no illusions that they all adjust their behaviour for me compared to with their friends and family, but I think that's fair enough when you're working for someone.

That's interesting Wee. I think I am usually the blocked out person too, which is a different feeling.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 26/04/2021 23:03

A and B are as bad as C in that case. You're being ridden rough shod over. And paying for it. Time for a site meeting, with you making the decisions and pointing out that you as the home owner and employer are sick of their behaviour.

bloodyhell19 · 26/04/2021 23:08

I've had this before with builders. Simple fix:

"C, when I want your opinion, I'll ask for it."

And

"I'm footing the bill so unless there is a structural reason to carry it out as so, we'll be doing it as I requested. A and B you'll also be footing the bill for rectifying what C did yesterday because that is not how I agreed the works with you."

Also

"I'm uncomfortable with C working in my home due to his behaviour and would appreciate if he were removed from site."

It's your works, your home & your bill. You call the shots & don't give a continental who's vexed, pleased or dislikes how "angry" you sound. Snarling usually works as a warning shot.

TheNestedIf · 26/04/2021 23:10

You need to stop seeing yourself as ungrateful. This is the relationship. You give them money, they do what you want (assuming no safety issues). You are not somehow emotionally indebted to them for doing the job they are paid to do and you have every right that their work fits your expectations.

Can you go back to A with and politely point out that this is not what you had in mind? Any documentation that might help?

bloodyhell19 · 26/04/2021 23:12

And being grateful doesn't bloody come into it: it's a service you are paying for. You don't have to be grateful, you just expect the works to be completed as agreed. That is not a big ask and they haven't put themselves out for you in anyway because they wouldn't take the job if it didn't suit them or they didn't need them. Buck up & deal with them tomorrow like the client who's paying for a service.

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/04/2021 23:22

I wish I could say "Sorry, I want to hear what A has to say. Do you mind stepping out of the way?" It is what I want to say but I would have to shout and would sound angry.
And? Instead you allowed workmen in your home to do something entirely different to their brief Confused
Wise up and get a backbone.

TheNestedIf · 26/04/2021 23:28

On that note, what is wrong with getting angry when someone is behaving obnoxiously? I don't think that would necessarily have damaged the working relationship with A. Chances are he doesn't much care for C turning his back on him either.

Original poster
HidingUnderARock · 26/04/2021 23:29

Yes, you're right, I do need to wise up and get a backbone. I want to be like bloodyhell19 I think those things but don't say them.

I can go back and get them to change it. I just need to detatch emotionally.
Thank you all for telling me, and for suggesting ways and words.

I would still like to know if there is a name for that manoeuvre. Other than "pure misogyny" :D

OP posts:
billy1966 · 26/04/2021 23:35

OP,

I mean this kindly but this could well be deliberate.

They are making a tit out of you by doing the job in YOUR home the way it suits them best.
Not unusual when it comes to builders.

@bloodyhell19 has given you very good advice.

This happened me, a version of it years ago, dealing with a builder and he put in a shower in the ensuite in a way that suited him and not where I had asked.
He then said I thought you asked for it this way and some CF working with him tried to back him up.

I left them for about 10 minutes because I had such a fit of pure temper (teething baby, no sleep) that I would have made a show of myself as I felt they were ganging up on me.

They must have realised by my face that I was apoplectic as when I returned they quickly agreed to move it and redo it which was a good bit of extra work.
It put me on my guard with them.

I think you need to get the work redone.

His ignorant interruption should not be rewarded.

Tell them you are deeply unhappy with what occurred and that the work isn't what you wanted because of his rude interruption.
Don't reward his bullying ignorance.

Also I wouldn't want him on site again.
Extremely rude and unprofessional.

Flowers
bloodyhell19 · 26/04/2021 23:39

@HidingUnderARock

Yes, you're right, I do need to wise up and get a backbone. I want to be like bloodyhell19 I think those things but don't say them.

I can go back and get them to change it. I just need to detatch emotionally.
Thank you all for telling me, and for suggesting ways and words.

I would still like to know if there is a name for that manoeuvre. Other than "pure misogyny" :D

It's called acting the bollix OP & decent people don't do that in a work setting, whether office or building site.

And I didn't have the muster to speak up for myself until I had to & realised that no one else would do it for me. Also I was very much spurred on by the fact that I would never have been spoken to like that if I had a penis. Your time, your money, your project. End of.

bloodyhell19 · 26/04/2021 23:45

The age difference between you may also work in your favour. Males in their 20s are young enough to remember being scolded by stern mothers & female teachers. I would employ a simple "Do not speak to me like that in my home" and let it hang there first. Don't have to be angry, don't have to be upset. Just say it straight. Even burly men can still feel the sting of being scolded as children & necks will get wound in fairly fast. Just keep telling yourself: my house, my project, my money & my boundaries.

TheNestedIf · 26/04/2021 23:48

I think the behaviour may just be plain old "Blocking". This is more usually done in the context of putting yourself in someone's way to control whether they can enter or exit their interaction with you. In this case the resource wanted was access to A and C physically prevented you from enter it.

TheNestedIf · 26/04/2021 23:49

*entering

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/04/2021 23:50

@bloodyhell19

The age difference between you may also work in your favour. Males in their 20s are young enough to remember being scolded by stern mothers & female teachers. I would employ a simple "Do not speak to me like that in my home" and let it hang there first. Don't have to be angry, don't have to be upset. Just say it straight. Even burly men can still feel the sting of being scolded as children & necks will get wound in fairly fast. Just keep telling yourself: my house, my project, my money & my boundaries.
Definitely. Please do this, op, I'm getting irrationally pissed off on your behalf!