In thinking that a teacher should know her own child better

[Reservoir13]

My 10 year old is in a class with very few girls. With 3 others she has a little group of friends but there are occasionally frictions between them. Before the Easter break, during a regular call, her class teacher told me that my daughter had some issues with one of the other girls in the group ('sarah'). The teacher wasn't overly concerned and said that she had spoken with both girls to make sure that they are nicer to each other.
Sarah's mum is also a teacher at the school, and will be teaching my son next year. I have know Sarah for about 7 years by now and from parties and play dates I know that she is a bit of a drama llama. When she doesn't get the full attention of everybody else, she will easily put on the water works and claim everybody is ignoring her. I'm under no illusions that my daughter also has her moments so I took the talk with the teacher as a moment to instruct my kid again to 'play nicely' and to remind her that not everybody feels/acts the same etc. Fine. Yesterday, I thought to be nice and sent a quick message to Sarah's mum, telling her that I heard that there had been some issues and expressing the wish that the girls would get along better etc. and I also stated 'if you think we should do more to ensure they get along, let me know'. I expected the mum to be neutral and reply something as "it will blow over, no worries", but no. I get a long message back, completely blaming my child as her child is apparently always feeling left out and ignored. She hopes I will "deal" with my child to make sure this doesn't happen again. I spoke with my daughter again and she is at a loss and by now almost crying herself as she doesn't know how to behave differently. If I didn't have to see Sarah's mum again, I would leave it at this, but I know I will be stuck with her teaching my son for a full year to come. I am honestly slightly annoyed at how she completely puts to blame on my kid while her own kid cannot attend a birthday party without having an emotional meltdown at least once. Plus, I think it is rich that she is accusing my daughter of ignoring hers while she herself (or her daughter) elected not to invite my daughter to a birthday party last year where all the other girls were invited. I'm slightly concerned as obviously all teachers at the school know Sarah and her mum very well. Do I do something more or do I just hope for the best?

Wasn't a particularly windy day when the apple fell from that tree was it!

I would just step back, appreciate she's going to be teaching DS but you will probably only need to see her a few times between Sep-July. Just try and keep it professional and distant as much as you can.

I don’t think the two things are linked.

Roll your eyes at her analysis of the situation between the two girls and let it be. Your son will have no reason to have contact with the daughter and if she as a teacher decides there is some sort of vendetta situation going on and takes it out on your child then you’ll have to deal with it then.

Yesterday, I thought to be nice and sent a quick message to Sarah's mum, telling her that I heard that there had been some issues and expressing the wish that the girls would get along better etc. and I also stated 'if you think we should do more to ensure they get along, let me know'.

Not only is it impossible to "ensure" that children get along, you shouldn't be interfering in their relationship at all unless absolutely necessary due to bullying or violence.

Disengage from Sarah's mother and allow your daughter to decide how to best handle her friendship with Sarah. If your daughter no longer wants to be friends with her, that should be supported. Talk to your daughter about how you don't have to be friends with people but you also don't mistreat them if you don't see eye to eye.

I would explain that this wasn’t how the situation was explained to you by the classroom teacher nor your dd and therefore you believe there is room for improvement from both girls!

Honestly this is why I dislike teachers and other school staff having their children attend the same school they work at. It makes their children untouchable! My eldest dc went all through primary school with one dinner lady ignoring them as they had dared to score a goal past their dc during a football match resulting in said child have a major tantrum 🤷‍♀️

You know your daughters version of events, she knows her daughters and of course they’ll differ greatly. Neither version will be the absolute truth.

What has being a teacher got to do with it? Do you think teachers are better trained in parenting then the rest of the population?

You should never have messaged the mum. You deal with your own child and make sure she has the skills to deal with others.

Why on earth did you message the mother?! You've made the situation even worse for your poor daughter. 🤦 As another PP said, leave your children alone to sort out their own friendship issues, unless there is bullying and/or violence. Friction is inevitable in friendship groups and children need to learn to negotiate things for themselves.

There's your kids side, her kids side and the truth will lie somewhere in the middle.

You shouldn't have messaged, that would get my back right up, especially aged 10 when they should be learning to navigate their own friendships.

She will be professional in school with your kid, thats all you need from her.

Hi there! Many thanks for the messages! I can see where you come from about meddling with my daughters' friendships, but I only messaged the mother because - obviously as our kids have been part of the same group for years - I know her quite well. Over the years we've regularly chatted and I thought it would be odd to now completely stay silent. With the pandemic we've seen less of each other but I don't want there to be an elephant in the room next time I run into her. I absolutely accept that the truth will be somewhere in the middle that's why I also spoke to my daughter after her teacher came with this news. I just wrongly thought that a mum-who-is-also-a-teacher would be some how better in understanding that fact as well. Hence why i was a bit miffed when she responded so strongly.

@mmgirish

What has being a teacher got to do with it? Do you think teachers are better trained in parenting then the rest of the population?

clearly yes, that's what I expected in this case