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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU- to ask my STXH to get accommodation with a separate bedroom for our son

26 replies

JustMarvellous · 26/04/2021 12:05

we have separated late last year, I have moved out into two bed flat, and our 8yo stays mostly with me, and 1-2 nights with his dad.

A little bit of history, I have moved out from marital home late november, and STBXH moved out too(to save his face - told neighbours we all moved out to another town). He rented a 1 bed new build flat - finances not a problem, the flat was available for him straight away. So next 3-4 months we spent in talks, mainly his manipulations to get me back in(dont want to go into too much detail),but I stood my ground.
Few days ago, our son stayed at his for a sleepover. Little one usually takes "his" laptop with all the games too. I had to check something in my gmail account, and once I've typed in gmail.com,it came with my STBXH email account open. I was about to log out, but then few emails caught my eye...numerous dating apps,going back to few months ago- thats when he was trying to work things out between us! and google pics loaded with his nude errect penis pics!!! i was shocked - the timeline was same - he was sending me crying selfies,and nude penis to someone else? there were snapshots of dating app women profiles too, a few...

I understand he moved on, or trying. And I dont have a problem with that. What bugs me ,that our son sleeps at my STBXH bedroom, shares same bed with his dad, but on different days there might be other actions happening again same bed! And where almost all my STBXH nude pics were taken.

I havent told my STBXH that I saw those pics and emails, I guess it would be embarassing for anyone...my concern is that our son should have a separate bedroom/bed. I dont want my LO to cover himself in same sheets ,where his dad does who knows what on other days.

I know my STBXH is planning to move out of his flat in 2 months,because his plan of manipulating me back in didnt work. AIBU to ask to stop sleepovers and have only daytime dates with our son,before he sorts out his living arrangements-separate bedroom for our son?

thank you for reading

OP posts:

BettysCardigan · 26/04/2021 12:08

You can ask anything you like, but it doesn't really sound like he's the type of guy to agree to what you ask of him.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 26/04/2021 12:10

Are you sure he didn't deliberately leave the Gmail account there for you to find?
You can ask but I'd say uts more likely to make him dig is heals in if he knows its bothering you

rookiemere · 26/04/2021 12:18

I'd be more concerned that your DS could inadvertently access that material, than what's happening in STBXH bed when DS isn't there.

Original poster

JustMarvellous · 26/04/2021 12:19

But he likes to always save his face! Especially with his cultural background and very wide family.

OP posts:

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 26/04/2021 12:21

Nobody is buying the elaborate story about you stumbling on his email and going through his photos completely innocently. Or at least, nobody SHOULD be that gullible. Now you want to punish him for looking elsewhere.

You'll make yourself look ridiculous if you bring this up as a concern. "Our son can't possibly sleep in sheets that you've been naked in at some point!"

ColinSupporter · 26/04/2021 12:21

You want him to have a separate bedroom for your child from where, at a completely different time, he indulges in sexual activity? Assuming he washes his bed linen regularly and your son isn’t there when this is going on I really can’t see what the problem is. Surely most people who cosleep with their kids are doing so in the same room/bed where they’ve previously had sex.

I’m a lot more horrified that you appear to have fairly easily accessed completely inappropriate pictures and links your ex has left on your child’s laptop. That is an issue - that’s where he’s exposing your child to sexual material. And since presumably he has his own device, just why is he using your son’s for this?

Scarlettpixie · 26/04/2021 12:22

While you might prefer him to have a separate room there is nothing wrong with them sharing a bed, you might find it a bit ick that your ex has had a wank in the bed but really it cannot be that unusual. If you and he were still together and has sex the night before, would you stop DS climbing into bed the following morning with you until the sheets had been changed? I don’t think most people would. Hopefully if he has women over he will change the sheets before DS comes over but there isn’t anything you can do about it if he doesn’t.

And don’t read his emails. You are not together anymore (and weren’t when he sent the emails). Its none of your business what he does online. This stuff just messes with your head.

Original poster

JustMarvellous · 26/04/2021 12:22

And if he supposedly left it open, wouldn’t he be concerned that our LO can access it??? He keeps on badmouthing me for leaving him and started divorce with me being unreasonable for leaving him and refusing to go back. He likes to look perfect in others eyes.

OP posts:

Putdownthecake · 26/04/2021 12:23

Seems to me like you were snooping and you haven't told him because he'd know you've seen his account and he'd change his passwords and remember to log out. My husbands account does the same if he hasn't logged out but you have to actually go into his images to see and click on the email headers. Why couldn't you use your phone to check emails? I'm not defending him but this doesn't seem the whole truth to me.

Id be telling him if you're that concerned over it but I'm not sure if it would achieve anything or sour relations further. He sounds a piece of work but this is so unnecessary when he's about to move anyway. Your son will need his own bedroom but as a temporary measure sharing is acceptable for a short time so you're not unreasonable to want your son to have his own space at his dad's. If your son doesn't mind sharing until that time then there's no issue other than making sure he doesn't access it when on the laptop IMO.

Original poster

JustMarvellous · 26/04/2021 12:25

The account is linked to his phone pics I guess , that’s how they got in there.. it’s google, it must be somehow connected

OP posts:

ChloeCrocodile · 26/04/2021 12:25

I dont want my LO to cover himself in same sheets ,where his dad does who knows what on other days.

If his dad doesn't wash the sheets between having a random stay over and having his DC stay over obviously that is gross. However, if he is washing them then why does it matter?

HugeAckmansWife · 26/04/2021 12:25

I thought you were going to say it's about privacy or your son sleeping on the sofa, which would be legitimate. As it stands you are being a bit ridiculous. YANBU to have an issue that he was sending dick pics when supposedly trying to save the marriage and generally, ick, but it has nothing to do with your DS.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/04/2021 12:27

Your feeling about the sheets/bed are a bit bizarre. Did your DS never get in the bed when you lived together and, gasp, had sex in that bed sometimes? Beds aren't haunted by ghost hard-ons. There's a whole load of stuff going on here, mainly between you and ex and some issues around cybersecurity, but your DS isn't going to be harmed by sleeping in the same room where your ex has taken dick pics and had some wanks.

Fireflygal · 26/04/2021 12:28

YABU, the ick factor you have should not impact your son's rime with his dad. Some dads say their Ex stop contact unreasonably and this would be a case 8n point.

You cannot control what he does (clean sheets) or have a sex life whilst your son is not there. If your son is uncomfortable that's a different story but otherwise attempt to stop contact.

HoppingPavlova · 26/04/2021 12:29

The other only thing that would bother me is if your son could accidentally access the content you trawled through, that would be an issue. Other than that, meh.

Pyewackect · 26/04/2021 12:32

Yes he should have his own room and it seems that is the plan but as for you going through his email account by accidents : yeah right ?????.

Boood · 26/04/2021 12:38

Are you saying that your son takes your laptop to his dad’s, and his dad then uses it for his email, OLD and porn viewing? You’d be within your rights to tell him not to do that, and say that if he persists you’ll share screenshots of the history with his mother and anyone else you can think of.

InkieNecro · 26/04/2021 12:40

I don't think you're unreasonable if you know your ex is a lazy git who doesn't wash his sheets. If he's fairly competent and washes them then yes, you are being a bit unreasonable.

However I'm horrified at you seeing the photos on your sons laptop. Sod the separate rooms, wtf is he playing at potentially exposing his child to that?

HavelockVetinari · 26/04/2021 12:41

Beds aren't haunted by ghost hard-ons

This!

youshallnotpass9 · 26/04/2021 12:42

I am going to ignore the fact you went through his photos and just say, one way you could put it, is that DS might soon want his own room and not want to sleep with his Dad, my DS is 9 and wouldn't want to share a bed with anyone long term wise, he would do it in an emergency for example (or if he has had a bad dream, he will come in with us) so you could say your DS might not want to do overnights.

But this is only if your DS is like mine, I know plenty of kids slightly older who are still happy to co sleep

Hankunamatata · 26/04/2021 13:30

Beds aren't haunted by ghost hard-ons

Best. Line. Ever

GirlCrush · 26/04/2021 13:41

Is this real??

You cannot micro manage this or demand sleeping arrangements that YOU prefer

mumto2teenagers · 26/04/2021 13:49

Are the photos on your sons laptop so he could access them? If so I'd be way more concerned about this than him not having his own room.

You could suggest to him that your son might want his own room soon, but this might not resolve the issue. My friend has his son over at weekends and only has a one bedroomed flat, they used to share the bedroom but now his son is older my friend sleeps on the sofa when his son stays.

SympathyFatigue · 26/04/2021 13:51

@rookiemere

I'd be more concerned that your DS could inadvertently access that material, than what's happening in STBXH bed when DS isn't there.

Yes. This is the most concerning aspect not his dad's grim sheets. Your child has potentially been exposed to graphic images and you're worried about sheets.

I'd say to him that he needs to log out of his Google account and stop potentially exposing your child to his adult content or you'll reconsider visitation.
How ridiculous.

Does the computer have security settings?

lunar1 · 26/04/2021 13:52

My friend lost a lot of money to solicitors over something similar. Woke up several times to her then husband watching porn while their dd was sleeping between them. He was wanking with her in the bed.

She left him over this and several other similar issues. He bought a 1 bedroom and the dd would be sharing the bed at contact.

The view of cafcass was that this was normal for some families, that some parents even had sex when their child was sleeping in their bed.

My friend was terrified of what her dd could be exposed to, but she was given a very stern warning about trying to stop overnight contact. After a nasty court case where he came away with exactly what he wanted, he only actually had her for two overnights then the novelty wore off.

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