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Original poster

Don't seem to enjoy myself anymore with this friend

16 replies

Celebrityskin88 · 26/04/2021 05:27

I've known her since high school and it's been great, she's been really supportive at times but in the last few years I feel like it's changed, we are very different in some ways but I know this is a normal part of getting older.
It's hard to explain but if I see her in a group, even me and one other person, she will mainly focus her attention on the other person for some reason.
I'm not saying at all that somebody should only focus their attention on me but it will almost become like I'm not there.
Went to the park with her and my boyfriend on Saturday. It is great they get on, and I'm really glad they chatted but it ended up mainly being a conversation between the two of them and I was just sitting there.
But this extends to other meetings with friends I have with her too.
It makes me feel like I'm being quiet but it's just hard to get a word in. She's very sure of herself or at least comes across that way, my boyfriend said he noticed it too.
Maybe she doesn't realise how much she's talking, just the last few times I've seen her (before Covid too) have just felt a bit sidelined and kind of like a sitting duck. Not sure if I'm making sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celebrityskin88 · 26/04/2021 05:34

Even as teenagers it was sometimes the same, I remember she would often get these free make up samples from somewhere and she would always offer them to the other friend we were with, even though I was also interested in make-up.

OP posts:
imaginethemdragons · 26/04/2021 05:38

Sounds like she doesn’t value your friendship as much as maybe you do.
Sounds very dismissive and disrespectful too.
Not a relationship I could participate in. I’d be backing off with a view to just maintaining a distant and occasional friendship.

Original poster
Celebrityskin88 · 26/04/2021 05:43

Yeah maybe she doesn't anymore, a lot of people don't seem to sadly. She did say she'd be free to meet when I asked her to join us, but I'm not sure if she would have initiated anything herself IYSWIM.

I might try to just meet her in a group only. She has done this on occasions for years really and I've always found it bizarre how she just focuses mainly on the other person or people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celebrityskin88 · 26/04/2021 05:48

It's sad but I've almost become reclusive in a way, I've had a couple of friendships where I'm just clearly not valued as much and people don't make the effort, I have my family and partner and I've stopped trying to make new friends.

OP posts:
Navigationcentral · 26/04/2021 06:15

Your latest post makes me think though OP, if there’s more going on here that’s to do with you maybe struggling with things and reading things a bit more keenly when they may not be there - or alternatively - if you are in a bit of a self fulfilling spiral here where you believe you have been and will be rejected so you tend to feel rejected and the cycle goes on? Just saying this as you say this is something you’ve noticed with many other friendships and other circs so much so that you’ve stopped trying etc. It’s unlikely that these different individuals have all somehow conspired to shun you, so is it worth investigating the possibility whether you could address how you’re approaching things or coming across/communicating? I can fall prey to this myself so I do mean this kindly.

Wabe · 26/04/2021 06:23

@Navigationcentral

Your latest post makes me think though OP, if there’s more going on here that’s to do with you maybe struggling with things and reading things a bit more keenly when they may not be there - or alternatively - if you are in a bit of a self fulfilling spiral here where you believe you have been and will be rejected so you tend to feel rejected and the cycle goes on? Just saying this as you say this is something you’ve noticed with many other friendships and other circs so much so that you’ve stopped trying etc. It’s unlikely that these different individuals have all somehow conspired to shun you, so is it worth investigating the possibility whether you could address how you’re approaching things or coming across/communicating? I can fall prey to this myself so I do mean this kindly.
I agree. OP, I the nicest possible way, if this has happened in more than one friendship, it’s not her — you are the common denominator. Are you creating a self-fulfilling prophecy in expecting to be sidelined but actually prompting it by not participating in the conversation?

It seems a bit petty to be still remembering who she gavee makeup samples to in your teens!

Francescaisstressed · 26/04/2021 06:23

Why don't you meet her alone, and see what the conversation is like?
If I was meeting a friend and her partner, I would probably make more effort with the partner so they didn't feel left out/to get to know them.
It seems like you haven't spend one on one time, so why not do that and see what the relationship is like?

EssentialHummus · 26/04/2021 06:43

FWIW OP, I am fairly sociable but really battle to divide my attention / eye contact when in groups of three. Could it be that?

Allwokedup · 26/04/2021 06:48

Friendships should be easy and fun. If they bring you stress they’re not worth it.

Billandben444 · 26/04/2021 06:52

I'd meet her on her own and see how you feel afterwards - have you enjoyed it, etc. If you have then just do 121s with her.

Wabe · 26/04/2021 06:56

@EssentialHummus

FWIW OP, I am fairly sociable but really battle to divide my attention / eye contact when in groups of three. Could it be that?
Actually, I think a gathering of three which consists of a couple and a friend can sometimes not be entirely conversationally straightforward, depending on whether the friend of a mutual friend of both of the couple of much more a friend of one.
Thingsdogetbetter · 26/04/2021 07:37

Had a best friend like that. She was insecure and desperate for absolutely everyone to like her. She knew I liked her, so concentrated on charming other people. Eventually I got sick of her literally turning her back to me and ignoring me while she desperately complemented a third person and laughed at their ever joke.

Original poster
Celebrityskin88 · 26/04/2021 08:15

Thanks for the replies. One to one with her is fine, I can totally understand her wanting to get to know my partner more but this happens when we're with friends we've both known for a while too.

With the make up example I was just saying that since our teens she's tended to favour the other person we're with.

Maybe it's a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy indeed, I'm quite quiet and shy and just wondering whether people don't enjoy my company that much.

Something else she does that's irritating is that she will make a joke about me in front of others. It may just be her sense of humour because she always calls her husband a "dick" etc. In an endearing way apparently.

But yesterday in front of my partner and previously with our mutual friends she'll say "guess what celebrityskin did" and laugh, yesterday it was "yeah I can imagine celebrityskin getting stroppy" put a voice on and laughed.
At her wedding it was "are you going to be on your phone during my wedding celebrityskin?" just because I had been on it a bit whilst we were sat around waiting for our make up and such, I was still contributing to the conversation. Anyway it just irritates me.

OP posts:
Billandben444 · 26/04/2021 08:20

Wow, yes she is a tad rude and dismissive, isn't she! I'd consider binning her as I don't think she values your friendship.

BListOrMaybeEvenZList · 26/04/2021 08:37

God yes, definitely bin her! She sounds nasty.

Original poster
Celebrityskin88 · 26/04/2021 09:14

Yeah I did find it rude I admit.

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