to feel like a failure at life

[chloeb8]

I can’t be the only person to feel like this!
I feel stupid because I do have so much to be grateful for in my life. A wonderful husband and supportive family.

The years have flown by and I suddenly find myself approaching my 40th birthday. Which to be honest is a bit terrifying. I’ve been happily married to my DH -same age -for several years. But I cannot shake this feeling that I am not where I “should” be in life.

We haven’t had children yet because I have a health condition - not going to go into details on here but I would need to sort this out before we even tried.. it’s not safe for me to at the moment. I am lucky to have a very supportive DH and we have spoke a lot about the subject over the years.. and he has always been of the attitude that I’m the most important person to him and if children come then that is great but if not then he is perfectly happy without. I still feel like I’m holding him back but he promises me that he does not feel that way.

I’ve got friends who now have children in their teens and so I feel like I’ve missed the boat. Probably only have a year or two left to try for children but it’s very upsetting and frustrating I just cannot until my health improves. Am under a hospital clinic for my issue but go round in circles.

The other way in which I feel like a total failure is with our house. I know it is just a materialistic thing, but I have fallen down that rabbit hole of comparing myself to the “Home” accounts on Instagram.
We are in the process of selling our house right now. After many years away from my hometown we are finally moving back to the area to be closer to family once more which I am so excited about. We are moving around 150 miles south and with that comes an extremely big difference in property prices and so we are having to buy a much smaller house than we currently have. We are buying a new build and I can’t wait until it’s ready, but the house type we are buying is one that first time buyers seem to go for... If you search for the house type on Instagram hash tags you can find quite a lot of people who own one, but they are pretty much all first-time buyers. This will be our fourth house (we’ve been together a long time). But so vast is the difference in property prices between the two areas, that we have no choice but to downsize.

The important bit is that we will be closer to family again and living in a much nicer area than we currently are. I feel like a failure when I see these 20-somethings on Instagram with big detached houses. I cannot shake this stupid feeling.

I just do admin work because it’s really all I can manage with my health problem. I frequently tell my DH he could do so much better than me, I see friends of ours who are professional couples and have amazing standards of living because they are both in high-paying jobs and think that DH would be living such a better life if he wasn’t with me. DH has a good job and we are lucky we manage fine with me on part time wages... if I could do full time I honestly would but I just can’t manage it at the moment. Every time I tell him I feel this way he always reassures me that he wants to be with me and does not feel held back by me. I do have anxiety and depression which does not help how I feel about the situation at all ....but really I just wondered if anybody else ever feel this way with life?

Please go easy on me with the replies I’m feeling really sad at the moment.

We all know people who seem to have “better” lives and some of them really do. Good for them, let’s be glad for them.
What jumps out at me is you say you have depression and anxiety. These are medical conditions which will be responsible for your feelings in some ways.
I know it’s easy to say this but try and focus on what you’ve got, not what you haven’t got. You have a supportive and loving husband and you’re moving closer to family to a new house in a nicer area. It’ll be fun.
Ignore Instagram- it’s fantasyland.

I wouldn’t look at other people and what they have but just concentrate on your own life/house/job etc.

I think a lot of your sadness is about your health condition.
I think that is holding you back. Is there a timeline to when you might be on the road to full recovery. Can you help yourself along by researching diet and what foods would help or what exercise, meditation, yoga you can take part in to help yourself.

If you cannot have children would you consider adoption or fostering.

Would you consider changing your job.

I think sometimes life throws things at you and whilst you can remain doing exactly the same things I think sometimes seizing the opportunity to change all or some of your life can bring a new lease of life and new opportunities

I can see exactly why you feel very sad about your health and the issues surrounding your chances of having children.

But please stop looking at Instagram and comparing, it’s bad for you.

@Bythemillpond

I wouldn’t look at other people and what they have but just concentrate on your own life/house/job etc.

I think a lot of your sadness is about your health condition.
I think that is holding you back. Is there a timeline to when you might be on the road to full recovery. Can you help yourself along by researching diet and what foods would help or what exercise, meditation, yoga you can take part in to help yourself.

If you cannot have children would you consider adoption or fostering.

Would you consider changing your job.

I think sometimes life throws things at you and whilst you can remain doing exactly the same things I think sometimes seizing the opportunity to change all or some of your life can bring a new lease of life and new opportunities

You’re probably right - fertility aside, my health holds me back in many ways in my life.

Adoption or fostering... honest answer? I’m not sure.

Delete your social media, comparison is the thief of joy.
Do you have a timeline for improving your health? You say you are just going around in circles. Can you go back to your G.P and tell them you want children so need to get your issue under control/improved in order to enable having children.

@chloeb8 I recently turned 40 and felt very similar for different reasons. I think for some that birthday is a cause for reflection and a realization that you've reached 1/2 of life expectancy and yet don't feel anywhere near what you thought 40 would look and feel like.

I think fertility struggles can hugely impact the feelings you have, but even moreso, so does poor health. I know because I've been there and day to day life is different because of my health. I don't have an option not to work full time because I'm a single parent, and I have dc. But poor health impacts so many areas of life.

I think sometimes what's happening is grieving the life we thought we'd have, that circumstances (health) has changed, circumstances that are outside of our control. Can you access a counsellor? To process those feelings and help you grieve for what has/hasn't happened?

As for social media and money. Honestly, embrace the simple life and leave those accounts behind. They aren't real. I mean they are, but they aren't your reality. Follow people who are putting their thoughts and time into things that mean something. Maybe support your local food bank or volunteer in some small way. I think people very much can get stuck on the 'norms' that are so far from what life is like for most, yet IG makes them look like reality. They aren't for most. While those people may have more money, or some idea of a lifestyle you want, they likely haven't been through things you have that make you strong, unique and have much to offer.

Parenthood is possible with disabilities, especially if you have a supportive partner. Adoption and fostering does come with needing to learn a lot about trauma and therapeutic parenting. It is rewarding and wonderful, but will need you to be resilient and able to support children with significant needs, or the potential for significant needs that aren't always known at placement. You may be able to do this. Seek some help to process those feelings and then figure out what you want and go for it. Choose what's good for you, as opposed to what you think you should do. You have lots going for you @chloeb8!

I’m sorry, OP. You sound very low.

Firstly, as others have said, stop the social media comparison. It’s all bollocks anyway, the home accounts are a crock. They just photograph one tidy corner. The worst one is the Hoopers because they just get given loads of free stuff anyway, so it’s all bollocks. And they were quite monied anyway.

How would your condition be sorted, may I ask? I know you don’t want to divulge but is it a quick procedural fix plus recovery, or is it a long-term lifestyle change like weight loss or something? I think if you can start moving that towards an improvement with that, all of your mental health will be lightened, especially if children become an option (it sounds like you do want them). But that’s assuming it can be done and by you.

Make a few small changes and see if your mood doesn’t start to move up rather than down.

We live in a hugely ableist and sexist society that may be contributing to your feeling of low self worth. Many many people struggle because we are taught if we are not earning piles of money we are not as valuable. Chronic illness is hard enough as it is, much like having a part time job in terms of commitment and energy, or a full time job for many people. I don't blame you for feeling sad. This sadness might not disappear even if you had the child and big house. I suggest following more chronic illness accounts and fewer beautiful house accounts!

when I see these 20-somethings on Instagram with big detached houses

Blimey-I think you need to get off Instagram! Do you know anyone in real life in their 20s who owns a big detached house-I certainly don’t!

What is Instagram giving you?

With all the people who post on here about shitty partners and awful divorces, you should focus on one area in which you seem to have excelled...picking a partner. And surely that's one of the most important things? If not the most?

It sounds like some counselling might help you?

@Howshouldibehave

when I see these 20-somethings on Instagram with big detached houses

Blimey-I think you need to get off Instagram! Do you know anyone in real life in their 20s who owns a big detached house-I certainly don’t!

I often wonder why I check Instagram so often. It brings very little to my life. Time to think about deleting my account I reckon.