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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hand hold please - anyone up?

22 replies

90snostalgia2020 · 26/04/2021 01:45

I’m crying my eyes out and my 35 year old partner is having a great time in the sitting room, not giving a flying f**k. We fight more and more lately and i feel angry and hurt by him so much of the time. He drinks about 12 times the recommended amount of alcohol each week, and smokes weed every day. The last few months he’s stayed up all night high and drunk watching movies, leaving me to go to bed alone and then find him at 3am passed out on the sofa or be woken up by him stumbling into bed. When we get along, we get along so well - he’s loving and caring and affectionate, and I really adore him. I got up to go to the bathroom earlier and saw he’d blocked the door to the sitting room with a chair (glass door), to stop me going in. No big fight today, no context - other than him being slightly grumpy with me earlier. I went in and asked him what the hell was going on. he begged me to leave, to not bring him drama, and that he couldn’t bear to see me right now. Repelled by me being there, pulling at his hair. I’m so shocked and hurt and confused - I have no idea why he’s done this. I told him to sleep in there and not come to bed. So now he’s happily passed out in peace, while I’m crying from shock and hurt. I’m so confused and unhappy these days, even though I love him so much. We’ve been through so much. How can he behave like this and not care about how much it hurts me.

OP posts:
fuckyouRW · 26/04/2021 01:47

No back story at all? What's led to the levels of weed and alcohol use?

90snostalgia2020 · 26/04/2021 01:49

He’s always been that way, but managed to hide it from me for the early years of our relationship because he knew I wouldn’t put up with it. Now he doesn’t bother to hide it.

OP posts:
fuckyouRW · 26/04/2021 01:50

So why put up with it?

wingsnthat · 26/04/2021 01:53

End it then, you’re not married

90snostalgia2020 · 26/04/2021 01:54

I’ve put pressure on him about it but he pushes back in a ‘you’re trying to change /control me, it’s all harmless, this is who I am’ way. I think he’d choose to be alone rather give up the things he likes.

OP posts:
wingsnthat · 26/04/2021 01:57

You’re different people and you’re incompatible. There’s really nothing left to save. Both of you will be happier separately

porridgecake · 26/04/2021 02:08

Please leave him now while you have a chance to start again with a decent man. He sounds absolutely dreadful.

Arachnid · 26/04/2021 02:10

Been there, done that. The thing is they love drugs more than they love you. This won’t change until they change themselves and with weed and alcohol that’s a long road. Don’t let it emotionally torture you, its not you that’s the problem. Sort yourself out and get out of it. You will look back in a few years and realise - like I did - that it just wasn’t worth the angst.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 26/04/2021 02:20

Sorry he's being such a shit.
If he would be happier with his drink and drugs then you should just leave him to it. He's only holding you back and his behaviour tonight was disgusting. Is he really worth this pain? Is any man?

winterchill100 · 26/04/2021 02:24

Leave him. Life is way too short to be wasting your years with a guy like that. He will not change, he's shown you who he is and you staying with him is showing him that he can continue like this. Leave him, you deserve better!

altlife · 26/04/2021 02:29

This is the same man you describe as 'loving, caring and affectionate'?

user1473878824 · 26/04/2021 02:39

Leave. Life is too short.

Tavannach · 26/04/2021 02:42

Just leave. He’s chosen the life he wants. Now you do the same.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/04/2021 02:45

You've wasted enough of your life already, haven't you? Get rid of this waster.

DeeCeeCherry · 26/04/2021 02:55

He loves weed more than he loves you, and if it's skunk weed he's smoking then there is really no hope for your relationship.

Skunk weed is a very addictive road to paranoia. Then there's the alcohol on top; he is self-destructive. He's already told you "this is who I am". You need to listen.

You talk of adoring him but staying with him is setting yourself up for misery in years to come. He isn't the man you want him to be. He's a drunken stoner.

I hope you find peace, whatever you decide to do.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 26/04/2021 02:59

he’s loving and caring and affectionate

And makes you cry.

So the above statement is pish really. No one who loved you would make you cry.

StarCat2020 · 26/04/2021 03:18

What is your living situation?

I mean do you rent (tenancy in your name / his name / both)?

Or if you own (your mortgage / his /both)?

Do you have children living with you?

CJsGoldfish · 26/04/2021 03:27

...managed to hide it from me for the early years of our relationship because he knew I wouldn’t put up with it

Well, clearly you do. 🤷‍♀️

VaizyCrazyDaizy · 26/04/2021 03:31

Tell him he is leaving so he has ten minutes to pack and get out - call the police if he gets funny.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 26/04/2021 03:51

Please don’t put up with this, you deserve so much better. Make whatever plans you need to and go find yourself a better life. You’ll look back and wonder why it took you so long. Don’t waste another day.

1forAll74 · 26/04/2021 04:15

Although you are crying,and totally upset right now, you can actually try and bring yourself,to the realisation, that this man will never be in any fit and proper state of mind, to be a normal partner to you. All the constant alcohol, and the weed,will dull his brain,and you will have no respect from him at all.

He is selfish,and just wrapped up in his own mind, and if you stay with him, you will have more to come, and you will be living a very unhappy life.

Countrygirl2021 · 26/04/2021 07:40

For god's sake don't have children with him. Ideally leave but if you can't face doing that then make sure you don't introduce an innocent life into his shit show of existence.

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