Top floor flat / new baby

[broodybumps]

DH and I are both desperate to start a family but our current living circumstances are putting me off.

We are in the very fortunate position that due to inheritance we were able to pay off our mortgage and cars. Aside from a credit card bill that gets paid monthly, we have no debt. We are in the perfect position to sell our top floor flat and move into a house but DH doesn't see anything wrong with a top floor flat with a shared garden that neighbours dogs use to wee! (No shame to the neighbours, it's a shared garden after all)

Am I being unreasonable by thinking my DH is being really selfish? He hates change, he hates the upheaval of redecorating a room let alone a house move but I think it's totally unacceptable to expect me to take a pram, shopping, BABY and all the other bits and bobs up 55 stairs just to get to my front door every time I leave the house! This on top of sleepless nights, potential PP difficulties etc gives me nightmares.

We both have good jobs and would only take a mortgage of approx £100K which we can easily afford on my wage alone let alone DH who earns 3X as I do! (DH is a Lawyer and I am a Theatre Nurse)

I just want to add, I am in no way shaming any parents who live in a flat - Christ my own parents lived in one as did DH. I am just making the point that as our financial situation allows it, why wouldn't we want to have a family home with a little garden that we can enjoy with our DC when the time comes?

Ask him why

@Nsky he says he thinks the flat is fine for now

Living in a flat under unruly toddlers I was expecting worries about your neighbours. You do you

Of course you can make life easier by having a house (which you can afford). Why not?

If he's desperate to start a family too, tell him you prefer to wait until you live in a more suitable home. Call his bluff.

[quote broodybumps]@Nsky he says he thinks the flat is fine for now[/quote]
Will he be taking his 3 months allowed paternity leave? If yes and he's prepared to (literally) do the heavy lifting of a 9-12 month old then fine. 😉 More than one way to skin a cat.

Thanks ladies. I hadn't actually thought about the neighbours although if we couldn't afford to move house, I wouldn't not have a family just because I have neighbours. There has to be some come and go.

Sounds like he doesn’t want a child. You need that convo before the housing situation one. You may need to move on. He doesn’t want anything to change. Don’t waste your best years with him.

I’d ask the neighbours deliberately to be noisy then tell him “ oh that’d wake up a baby”, “ if we can hear them then I’m sure they’d hear a crying baby”.

I also thought this would be because you were being considerate of your downstairs neighbours.

I see why you want to move; and I’d make plans to, but I also wouldn’t be trying to sell a top floor flat right now. The flat market is rubbish across the board.

Does he not like change, or does he not want the pressure of a mortgage again?

@gah2teenagers

Sounds like he doesn’t want a child. You need that convo before the housing situation one. You may need to move on. He doesn’t want anything to change. Don’t waste your best years with him.

Hey, he absolutely does but he just doesn't want to move house. This thread isn't about whether or not he wants children it's about our living circumstances.

Easier to move pre baby!
I spent 4 months in a flat with a baby. On the plus side, having the bedroom, living room bathroom etc all close together made life easier. But simple things like shopping, taking the bin out, using the laundry room etc were complicated by the baby. Every trip needed planning.
Then before you know it... Baby is a toddler and needsspace to explore.

Of course you should move to a house if you want to and can afford it.

BTW if your husband hates change he’s not going to like a baby.

There are practical issues. Most places will not allow a pram to be left in a hallway, which means lugging it up the stairs with baby/toddler inside. It's not really an option to unload the baby, leave it unattended while going back for a pram, shopping etc.
If you don't have a car you will also have a car seat to put somewhere. Same problem to get the thing up the stairs with a child inside. It is back-breaking.

As you say, it's doable if you have to. But if you have a choice why would you. Of course you could live in a penthouse palace with a lift in which case you could probably manage fine.

@TakeYourFinalPosition he just hates any kind of upheaval. We redecorated our bedroom (hired tradesmen to do everything and I built the furniture myself) last year and OMG you'd genuinely have thought he'd just done a full renovation project on an abandoned mansion solo. I love him dearly and being with him over the last 6 years have been absolutely fantastic and I am no way questioning my relationship with him. I just can't get my head around why he doesn't want to move to a house?

You can always move after you’ve had a baby. Lots of people do.

We had our first DC when living in a top floor flat with not as many stairs as yours. Lugging a buggy up and down got very annoying very quickly. We moved before DD was a year old.

Thanks ladies, I think having a baby while living in the flat would just be giving ourselves (ME) more stress and hassle during what will already be a stressful time!

Again just a comment for people who mention neighbours- I might be taking this completely the wrong way, and if I am I am incredibly sorry - but are people seriously hinting that those who have neighbours below should NOT have a baby out of respect for neighbours? If so, that is probably the most appalling view I've heard on here. If I thought for one second that a couple were not going to have a baby because they worried that the noise of a crying baby might wake me up now and again, I'd be absolutely devastated.

I lived in a 3rd floor flat with no lift with 2 babies,it was awful but it was council so couldn't just move had to drag the pram (a double) up and down daily , I wouldn't do it if I had the option to move

OP,
Obviously a top floor flat would only for thosevl in tough circumstances without choices.

OP, look very very carefully at this man.

He doesn't want children.
He doesn't want change.
He is selfish.
Self absorbed.
Doesn't want to engage with you regarding change.

YoU are saying he is selfish.

If you think hevis selfish NOW you have absolutely NO idea of how selfish he will be
when the baby arrives.

If hevis so dim and selfishbnot ti understand how a top floor flat won't work.
Please please really look at who he is.

He sounds so selfish.
He doesn't want a child.
You are deluded if you think other wise.

Please re thinknuour future beforevit blows up totally in your face.

He doesn't sound like father material tbh.
When you have a child it's all hands on deck to get shit done.
He's too lazy to move when you have very good reasons for wanting to, can easily afford it and it would improve your quality of life.
Presumably you could pay a removal company too so that would minimise some of the stress and the work as well.
Honest I think very carefully about whether you want children with someone who always wants to go for the easy option rather than the best option.

I wasn't allowed to leave the pram downstairs and no car to store it in so had no choice, lots of flats won't let you leave i t downstairs I got told it was a fire hazard.

He hates change, having a baby is probably the biggest change you can go through.

How high is 'top floor' and am assuming you don't have a lift? We lived in a third floor flat with no lift when we had DD but it was always going to be temporary (rented), we moved into a house when she was 8 weeks old. Moving was all a bit of a nightmare, difficult packing when we were both so tired and sleep deprived and I had ongoing breastfeeding issues plus DD was a high needs baby and screamed all the time. Then the house we moved into was being renovated and hadn't ran to schedule, we had no shower for the first two weeks that we lived there and only a kitchen, a bedroom and one reception room that were vaguely liveable. It was grim.

For the first 8 weeks living in a flat was fine, the biggest hassle was getting the pram up and down all the steps. I would have to dismantle the pram, taking the pram base downstairs whilst I locked DD in the flat in her carrycot. Put up pram base in block entrance, go back up to flat and carry DD down in the carrycot. She was a summer baby so we used the baby carrier a lot for walks too which was much easier. It would have been a big hassle to have had to do all that long term. Living in the flat itself was absolutely fine and actually I think would have been easier than a house with a baby/toddler in many respects - our bills were much cheaper, it was always warmer, less cleaning and maintenance needed, very safe, cooking and supervising them would have been easier as our flat was open plan, and toilet training would have been easier with the bathroom on one level etc. The issue wasn't the fact that it was a flat but the lack of lift/three storeys of stairs. I would move before you have a DC if you're higher than first floor.