To get involved in child's friendship difficulties

[Christmaspanic24]

DD is 7 and is regularly coming home and telling me she has been excluded from his friendship group.

I would tell her to spend time with other friends / make new friends, however we are very close with the parents. We socialise regularly (covid allowing) with the parents. We have gone away all as a group camping trip for the last 2 years. In terms of the adults we are getting closer, more friendly and planning more things together.

I am wondering if or how to tackle this. DD has become fairly accepting of it, just saying oh they excluded me again this afternoon. Sometimes she is upset. I have seen it in action. When watching them, she does get on well with each of them and them seem to like her, but I do feel she is somehow more on the periphery of the group. When they are all together she does seem to get left out and at time it's very obviously on purpose. I thought it would improve. We are new here, relocating 3 years ago, but I would say things are no better. Perhaps worse in that she used to spend time with other kids, but now spends all her time with this group and therefore the exclusion seems more frequent / obvious.

Do I have a chat with the other mum I'm closest to? I think she would be very understanding. Do I encourage her to spend time with other people? Should we reduce our involvement - currently planning this years camping trip with them Thanks!

I’d definitely mention it to the mum if I were you, for your daughters friends sake as much as hers. I’d want to know if I was the mum, this is bullying behaviour and definitely something that needs to be nipped in the bud.

I would try and get her to branch out into different friendship groups though. Are there any local clubs she can go to?

I feel awful because lots of the activities she has joined, the same group also do. She has joined Brownies & rugby and I've just signed her up for tennis. But she will be taken with one of the mums of this group. This group of kids go to all these activities. I feel like I've encouraged the friendships as we are so close to the parents. The parents have been absolutely lovely. I'm just worried that even though I know the mum I would talk to will be amazing and will take this really seriously, can you really change a group dynamic with kids?

I think you need to put in some distance and let your daughter find her own friends, this group she’s been bundled into because of parents, is obviously not good for her.

In terms of stepping in, unless she is being bullied ie it’s persistent, malicious, power imbalance etc, I wouldn’t start getting involved, you (and the other mums) can’t control how the kids behave with each other in school, and they generally have to find their own way, part of building up their personal toolkit, problem solving, conflict resolution etc.
If you let her have the space to do so, she will find friends who value her more.

Just read your update. I think your daughter hasn’t much chance to find her own friends who value her when she is so deeply entwined with this group, not just in school but clubs, camping etc. No wonder She’s quite accepting of their behaviour she maybe also want see any other option other than to do so as they are literally everywhere in her life.

Have you asked her about whether she’d like some activities that don’t involve those girls, a chance to meet or speak to other people?

*doesn’t see

You can't really force children to like each other just because you like their parents, I'm afraid. I would go camping etc. more often just as a family, not as a group, and just mix with these parents when doing adult only meet ups. In a few years your child will be an adult herself so not joining you on holidays.

I agree with @Lifeaintalwaysempty, you need to let your DD find her own friends. This doesn't prevent you from continuing your friendship with the other parents, it just won't be based around family activities anymore.

Something similar has happened with my DD's (16) primary school friendship group. I'm still good friends with the Mums and pre-Covid we'd all meet up about once a month. But DD is only close to one of the girls now and we haven't arranged group activities for years. Of course it's easier because they're not all at the same school now - but some of them are and they never hang round together!

Just anecdotelly, I remember being in school and there was one girl in our group whose mum got involved every time we had a falling out. It definitely did not help. We all thought she was a cry baby who complained to her mum all the time so we left her out more. Her big sister had a similar problem, no friends because her mum kept trying to control the other children’s behaviour and it backfired massively. We were a bit older, around 9-11, but just a warning to tread carefully.

@Christmaspanic24

I feel awful because lots of the activities she has joined, the same group also do. She has joined Brownies & rugby and I've just signed her up for tennis. But she will be taken with one of the mums of this group. This group of kids go to all these activities. I feel like I've encouraged the friendships as we are so close to the parents. The parents have been absolutely lovely. I'm just worried that even though I know the mum I would talk to will be amazing and will take this really seriously, can you really change a group dynamic with kids?

It depends really. If they’re just being a bit bratty and need their behaviour picking up on, a word from a parent could stop that. Or it could be that for whatever reason they just don’t get on with your dd and don’t want her to be a part of their group. It does sound like your dd needs a different set of friends anyway, could you encourage her to try to make friends with the other kids in the clubs she goes to?

She needs to form her own friendships that aren't to do with your friendships. My own dc were in a big friendship group that was children whose parents were my friends and we did absolutely loads of things together. Holidays, days out, evenings at each other's houses etc.

But in year three the dc started to not invite each other to parties and play with other people at school. They would still play together when we were all together but they had grown apart and found their own friends at school.

With my own class I can't and don't make them play together in their playtimes. If Lucy hasn't anyone to play with at playtime I will scan the playground for another child who might also be at a loose end or a game that's going on that Lucy could join in. I don't think 'Lucy likes to play with Joan so I'll find Joan and get her to play with Lucy.

Of course they are all expected to be kind to one another and not leave people out and they must be able to work with any other child in the classroom.

Thank you everyone that's really helpful. I might explain to the other mum I know what's happening because it might mean we might pull back a bit from, for example things like camping and I don't want my adult friends to think we are being suddenly cold/ rude. I think she does genuinely get on with this group, but I think the dynamic is wrong and think it would be healthier for her to spend time with some other kids. It used to be more like that and gradually it's ended up being more intense. This has just happened gradually. This group all have siblings the same age as my son who is 5 and he is in the same class and friends with them. Which has just meant we've ended up doing more and more together. I'll chat to my DD and see whether she wants to change / swap any of her activities and also if she wants to have play dates with some other kids and try and disentangle things a little. I definitely agree you can't manage kids friendships and she has to learn to navigate these things herself. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts, it's been really helpful to hear experiences of further down the line.

Ask the teacher what’s happening in school first.