To want a third child

[Opal93]

I know you’re supposed to “just know” but I don’t and I’m all conflicted! I deep down want another baby. My husband and I are lucky enough to have two great kids, and there’s so many reasons why having another would be kind of crazy: our oldest has severe autism which can be hard, although I am not at all afraid that another child would have autism, COVID has had a bad effect on our finances so things would be a lot tighter but it wouldn’t push us into poverty, I would need another c section and the thought of having another one makes me feel ill! My scar still gets sore. But I just can’t shake the longing for another. My husband wants to go for it. How did you decide to go ahead with having a third(or even second, fourth,fifth) when you had doubts?

in those circumstances:
Risk of risky pregnancy/delivery
Financial constraints
One child with additional needs
It just wouldn’t even cross my mind tbh

You make a decision based on reality vs fantasy. Just because you long for something, doesn't mean you can or should have it. It's just an emotion.

Personally, and since you posted in AIBU canvassing, I think it sounds like a terrible idea in the circumstances described. It sounds like something you'd be doing to avoid some temporary uncomfortable emotions at the expense of your family's long-term wellbeing.

What's wrong with enjoying the family you have and living in the present with them?

I don't think you're supposed to 'just know', I think as a responsible parent you're supposed to make a decision based on the children you have and the financial situation you're in. If you can absolutely maintain the current lifestyle and provide everything for your two DC, and a third would only enhance everyone's lives, then go for it. If not, you've got some thinking to do. I wouldn't have a third in your circumstances, but it's not a decision others can make for you.

It sounds like a pretty bad idea to me. Would make your life very hard.

It's ok to make a sensible decision and it sounds like stopping at 2 is sensible for you. There's a lot of "my heart wanted another" on Mumsnet while ignoring the fact that this can be incredibly selfish towards the children you already have. Risking your health, splitting your time and stretching your finances being only a few examples.

If someone's considering having a child, they must be ready to handle the emotional, physical, financial, mental wellbeing of the child, any other children and have time to do the same for yourself. It's the responsible thing to do.

If you're confused, hesitant, can't work this out, can't say you're ready in these ways (bar the occasional unplanned incidents that happen in life), already struggling with 2 children, family life and health issues, it's completely unfair to add another being to the mix just because.

It's unfair to your other children (because it's less time and resources from parents), unfair to you and husband (less time and energy for yourself and husband because there's 3 instead of 2) and most especially, unfair to the new child (who you didn't have to bring into an already tight plan or routine).

Hi Opal, having read some of your posts, I think it depends if you feel able to manage. You’ve had some very tricky family situations and been through difficulties yourself. I got to a point with my own ED and some difficult family history etc that I feel able to take almost anything ds isn’t autistic, but did have serious life threatening health issues as a baby and that took a long time to process and cope with. I waited 6 years to have a second until I felt able to truly deal with anything that occurred and had worked through my own issues.

If you feel you’ve worked through lots and youd be easily able to cope with a third child, then absolutely go for it. If you feel like it might become over stressful, cause issues or mean that you don’t have enough time for your other children, then I’d leave it. Personally, when looking at more children, I look at worst case scenario - so for me this could be another child with health problems etc. and whether I could both manage this and give the doc I have a great life. In my family’s case, the illness isn’t genetic, but there’s always a small chance a child could be born with another unrelated serious health condition so I base it on that. Would it help if you looked at how you’d cope with another child with very high needs due to autism? Totally your choice though.

My advice is always Yes - go for #3, but in your situation I would stop at 2.

I don't think it would be bad to have a 3rd if that's what you both want. Yes your time would be more stretched but that's true of anyone who has more than 1. Plenty of people have 3 or more. Having a disabled child doesn't mean you shouldn't have more than 2 - the only people who know your situation and how it would affect you and your children is you. The C Section thing, well birth is pretty brutal but again not necessarily a reason not to, any more than it was with your first 2. Financially you said it won't push you into poverty. Basically I wouldn't rush the decision but if you and your husband want another, go for it.

How do you define 'poverty' and 'tighter'? I think that's quite important here...

You have one child with significant additional needs. Sorry, but I’m not sure choosing to have less money, time and energy is wise.

Thankyou for everyone’s replies. When I said push us into poverty I just meant we would have to do without as many luxuries but certainly wouldn’t be deprived, just things would be tighter. Reading it back I put that badly. I think we could manage financially but honestly the thing putting me off is the c section and health risks. I’m 28 so probably best just to leave it at least a while

I’m the same as you. I’d do anything for another child and even interviewed a surrogate. We have no financial constraints. So this was available to us

My pregnancies nearly killed me. I physically could t risk having a third child and dying. Leaving them with no mum.

Sadly my health took a downward turn. So we didn’t do it. But had I of been able too. Without a doubt I would of. Even though it had been tricky to start with!