Early relationship expectations

[GeekyGirl42]

I'm taking a step back from dating and reflecting on what I need from relationships. I can suffer from crippling relationship anxiety in the early stages. Generally uncertainty is not a good thing, and of course you can't avoid that in an early relationship. But I know there are some things that exacerbate this:

• intense contact at the start
  
• inconsistent communication patterns (extreme ones e.g. texting me every hour from 8am and calling at bedtime one day, then the next day nothing after lunchtime)
  
• uncertainty over when next date is
  
• texts in general - hate them, especially blunt ones or unclear ones
  

There are loads of really great things about me and I am very aware of this problem. I try very hard not to push it into the woman I am dating.

I have trouble communicating my needs. And worse trouble with deciding to walk away if the woman I'm with can't meet them in any way.

I know that some people just cannot handle this. That's fine. But in general is it reasonable, after explaining that I can suffer from anxiety and that I am constantly working on it, to say these things and then see what the other person does?

"I can't handle too much uncertainty in life - I start to worry. What would really help is to not spend longer than a couple of days wondering when our next date will be."

"I really like hearing from you, but if we communicate every hour then I will worry on the days when that is not possible. Can we try a more sustainable communication pattern?"

"Texts can cause misunderstandings that cause me to worry and assume the worst possibly. I always prefer a quick phonecall when both of us have time if it's about arrangements or to discuss anything"

AIBU?

[JackieLavertysWeirdVoice]

You need to work on the bit that comes after you seeing the red flags, because it’s essential you allow people to show themselves so you can see their red flags if they have them.

Absolutely. And then, OP, you need to act on the information.

And that means walking.

Not trying to manufacture a 'fake' form of intimacy or a bearable relationship that then disappoints you months down the line, leaving you feeling emotionally battered.

[sassbott]

OP if someone shared that with me after a few dates, I’d walk away tbh.

The uncertainty/ how much texting is too little/ too much/ why do people go quiet? I think anyone who has dated/ is out there dating can attest to how tricky we all find this. It is a nightmare to navigate. That being said: the way I manage it is to remain boundaried.

Text exchanges can become too intense if both sides let them. So don’t overly engage or invest.
Texting forever before meeting? I hate that too.
Having gone on a date and someone goes quiet? Hard to navigate but par for the course.

The key is to take your time. Don’t over invest emotionally early on. Don’t give this person too much time/ energy early on. Have a good / full life outside of dating. Such that if someone you date goes quiet, you can shrug, continue your life and see if they bounce back.

People have a lot going on. I also think that as we come out of lockdown, sadly people are going to be a little more erratic/ hard to pin down as we’ve had so many restrictions for so long. I’m giving dating a hard miss for the next 2 to 3 months (minimum) as a result.

Focus on yourself and resolving the underlying anxiety more. Dating is not for the weak willed and can be highly enjoyable (but only if you’re in a good space yourself).

[givemesteel]

Like others I think the above would be off-putting to most people.

I think it is for you to work on the boundaries of the behaviour you are prepared to accept (eg if you get ghosted then suddenly they start messaging again then that is the point at which you end the relationship) but also don't go down the route of going too intense to start off. Ie if you don't send 30 messages in one day there won't then be such a contrast if you have days where there is less contact.

I think some CBT might help with interpretation of messages, eg realising that a slightly blunt message may just be sent quickly.