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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum sending old photos of me to a friend

19 replies

LudoBear · 25/04/2021 07:04

My mum recently got back in touch with someone she knew 22 years ago. They were really close and she's excited they are back in touch and they are arranging to meet up when covid let's them. No problem there.

However, they have been exchanging photos of themselves and their kids growing up. I was 11 when we moved away and I'm 33 now.

Firstly, my mum can't understand why I was annoyed that she had sent photos of me as an adult without my permission. This person is stranger to me. I can barely remember them.

Secondly, I asked my mum to show me what photos she sent and she sent photos of when I was 25, size 10 with long blonde hair. Over the years I've put on a lot of weight, now a size 18/20 and I have extremely short hair as I find it easier to manage. I was diagnosed with adhd and one thing I really struggled with was my appearance so I had it cut super short to help me manage. I no longer colour my hair and its a mousy brown. I've had a lot of compliments since and feel good about my hair now. So my mum sending photos of me stick thin and with long blonde hair has upset me. I said why haven't you shown more recent photos and she said "but you looked nice in those photos" Gee thanks mum.

On a different matter, my mum has told this person I have ADHD. I do, yes, but it doesn't mean I want people to know. I know she's told her neighbour and another friend. (Newly diagnosed) She has also started saying "sorry, she has adhd" to people when I make a stupid comment or do something that she perceives be because I have adhd.

Aibu to think firstly she should ask my permission before sending photos and secondly, she should send more recent ones if she is sending any at all??

OP posts:
LastRoloIsMine · 25/04/2021 07:08

I said YABU but that was for permission to send a photo.

YANBU to be annoyed that your mum apologies to people because you have ADHD.

felulageller · 25/04/2021 07:10

I'm sorry this has upset you but it would never even occur to me to think there was anything wrong with a mum sending pictures of her adult child to an old friend.

If it was me I'd prefer she sent the slimmer pics! (If mine had picked "fat' pics to send I'd interpret that as being passive aggressive!!)

So I do think you are over reacting a bit.

Maybe there's a history of issues with your mum which is making this more complex than I'm getting from your op?

Yellowhighheels · 25/04/2021 07:12

I think YANBU if those are the photos shes sending and not clarifying that they are some time ago, as though she approved of your appearance then more than now. She should also not be telling the world about your diagnosis unless you've said you're happy with this, much less apologising.

MaMaD1990 · 25/04/2021 07:33

I think you're projecting your own insecurities around how you look now vs the photos she's sent. It's quite normal to send photos of your children, especially ones they think are nice. I don't think it's done in malice. I'd be annoyed about the apologising for ADHD remarks though, that's hurtful.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 25/04/2021 07:34

Well. Catching up on 22 years is far easier with photos.
Dmum does sound a bit tone deaf though when it comes to subtlety.

emilyfrost · 25/04/2021 07:38

YABU. Needing permission to send photos? Confused Just silly.

Quite frankly I don’t think it’s any of your business what your mum sends to her friend.

mamamalt · 25/04/2021 07:38

I wonder if this is a generational thing... my parents do the same except they share pictures of my children to all and sundry in their phone book. I, like you, find it a huge infraction on my personal boundaries and I really don't like it. My dad is worse, they just laugh off any attempt I make to say I'm uncomfortable with it. Maybe it's that we are more private as we have grown up with the Internet and so on? I'm the same age as you.
Anyway I'm not being overly helpful but I wanted you to know you're not alone!

crankysaurus · 25/04/2021 07:38

I wouldn't be so worried about the photos personally but your DM really shouldn't be letting the world know about you dx without your permission, and certainly not apologising like that with it as an excuse. Can you very clearly tell her that's private information and not to be shared without your consent.

CalaminePink · 25/04/2021 07:39

@MaMaD1990

I think you're projecting your own insecurities around how you look now vs the photos she's sent. It's quite normal to send photos of your children, especially ones they think are nice. I don't think it's done in malice. I'd be annoyed about the apologising for ADHD remarks though, that's hurtful.
Not in malice, but there’s something pretty pointed about sending an old friend photographs that aren’t recent, that are fully eight years old, in which your daughter was four or five dress sizes smaller and looked completely different to the way she does now — and then defending that decision by you ‘But you looked nice in those photos!’

And the ADHD ‘apologies’ are inexcusable.

4PawsGood · 25/04/2021 07:43

I think she’s trying to be nice with the ADHD comment. “She’s not tactless, it’s ADHD”, could be the logic. It depends a bit what sort of thing it is, I can’t really imagine.

Flakeymcwakey · 25/04/2021 07:43

Ugh I completely recognise that twisting unease, which everyone downplays, of noticing how your mum does not treat you like a person in in your own right, but instead like you are a prop in her life. It's not one thing, it's the accumulation. The photos of you that she approves of and not ones that represent who you are is absolutely transparent on this.

I think if you don't have a parent or relationship in which you are constantly treated like this with a constant drip, drip, drip of how you as a person don't even factor in someone close's behaviour towards you or narrative about you, it's probably hard to understand how distressing it is, which is why you aren't getting a lot of support here. But I 100% see where you are coming from. YANBU

PollyPocket245 · 25/04/2021 08:08

@Flakeymcwakey oh my god, this!! I was trying to think how to word it but this!

I completely get it. YANBU

IdblowJonSnow · 25/04/2021 08:11

Also agree with flaky.

Her behaviour does sound hurtful and insensitive. Can you draw back from her a bit?

Sammiesnake · 25/04/2021 08:20

There’s nothing I enjoy more than telling all and sundry about my babies Grin I can imagine myself sharing photos, stories and news of them especially with old friends at that age. You’re your own person and an adult now of course but you’re still her baby. It’s really none of your business which photos of you she’s prefers from over the years. With the ADHD comments, what sort of things is she apologising for? Perhaps she’s attempting to try and help? Have you tried talking to her about those comments?

beginningoftheend · 25/04/2021 08:23

I totally get it, I bloody hate my parents sending pictures of the kids to random people. Have asked them to stop. On the mantelpiece for all to see is fine, emailed out is not fine. Luckily they listened.

As for apologising for your ADHD - not nice.

tenredthings · 25/04/2021 08:31

@Flakeymcwakey

Ugh I completely recognise that twisting unease, which everyone downplays, of noticing how your mum does not treat you like a person in in your own right, but instead like you are a prop in her life. It's not one thing, it's the accumulation. The photos of you that she approves of and not ones that represent who you are is absolutely transparent on this.

I think if you don't have a parent or relationship in which you are constantly treated like this with a constant drip, drip, drip of how you as a person don't even factor in someone close's behaviour towards you or narrative about you, it's probably hard to understand how distressing it is, which is why you aren't getting a lot of support here. But I 100% see where you are coming from. YANBU

This is spot on !
HappydaysArehere · 25/04/2021 08:37

Crikey, I thought all mums loved to show photos of their family. It’s what mums do. So what if she selected her favourite ones! Be happy that she is proud of you and wants to communicate with her friend. No doubt the friend has sent similar family photos to your mum.

mamavoom · 25/04/2021 08:37

I don't think sending a pic of you without your permission is a big deal, but I would be pissed off with her sending a much older picture because she thinks you looked better before.

Also apologising you people because you have ADHD. I mean what the hell?!

LetsSplashMummy · 25/04/2021 09:41

I don't think her conversations are any of your business really. You are asking questions to which there isn't an answer she can give that you'll approve of. How would you feel if she didn't mention you at all? If she sent a recent pic you didn't like? This correspondence is not your business, does your mum need to know you are discussing her on line right now?

You don't give context to the ADHD conversation. If her friend is worrying about her child and pursuing a diagnosis, your mum saying that you'd found a diagnosis helpful, is fine. If she's gossiping, that's different, but you don't know (probably because you just fired the question at her, rather than read anything).

Don't ask questions if you might not like the answers and think about why you even needed to know. Trying to find out how people talk about us when we're not there seems to me to be a sort of self harm, I don't think it's healthy at all.

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