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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know how to feel about this.

23 replies

user1471423151 · 24/04/2021 23:17

Right, I know what this place is like, and I may get torn a new one, but I’d value a female opinion on this.

We live about 1.5 miles from a city centre. Our younger DD (19) works in a pizza place down on the harbour side, a busy area at night. I used to walk down and meet her when she finished work at 11.00pm but last Summer between lockdowns she told me she wanted to walk home alone as she is happy to do so. I wasn’t (and still am not) too happy about this, but respect her wishes, and have always encouraged her (and her older sister) to be independent and confident.

Today DD was telling us about National Rape Day ( I checked and it is a hoax, but a widely spread one) and how she hoped she would not be attacked walking home (said jokingly). My wife and I agreed we or I would walk down and meet her tonight just to play safe.

My wife and I met some friends in a pub garden today and had a fair few drinks. An hour or so after we got home DD texts to say she is leaving work. I get up to get ready but my wife is ahead of me, saying she’ll go. I argue saying I’ll go , or at least walk with her. She insists no, she’ll go on her own. She did so and they subsequently returned home.

So..... on one level I feel really guilty that I let my wife walk into town at night on her own to meet my teenage daughter. It feels like it’s my job as a husband, father, and a man, to do it myself and not let my wife be at risk.

On the other, I am so proud that I have a DW and DD who are confident to walk around the city on their own after dark (and that we live in a city that is generally very safe), that they have that confidence and fearlessness. Whilst I was sitting there just waiting to hear the key in the lock all the time they were out, it feels like it would be wrong to impose myself and insist that I walk to meet our DD.

It feels the right thing to do. But I really don’t know.....

OP posts:
rainbowthoughts · 24/04/2021 23:22

Did your knob shrivel up when the women coped without you Hmm

Summerdayshaze · 24/04/2021 23:32

Oh how gracious of you to be proud of them. Maybe give some thought to the actual statistics around male violence and how rapists are hardly ever convicted than start awarding your family imaginary medals.

CirqueDeMorgue · 24/04/2021 23:39

What were you saying about being 'torn a new one,' OP? 🤣

sweetclems · 24/04/2021 23:46

The only thing women need men to do is to leave us the hell alone

LawnFever · 24/04/2021 23:46

It wouldn’t occur to me that as a grown woman is need a man to escort me about my home city, you don’t need to be ‘proud’ of them how bloody patronising

ThePawtriarchy · 24/04/2021 23:50

It’s good to offer and that you care - but ‘let’ is a bit concerning, neither of them need your permission.

Justanotherlurker · 24/04/2021 23:51

I think the only people really worrying about this apparent 'ineternational rape day' is some terminally online MN posters.

It hasn't gained attention on what MN considers the dark side of the internet such as 4chan/reddit etc.

The problem is you trying to signal boost this under various name changes when in fact it is nothing, if you are really concerned you would be looking at why you let your teens access tiktok (hint it's facebook on steriods) instead of still trying to signal boost somthing that wasn't even a thing to begin with.

SteveArnottsEyebrows · 24/04/2021 23:52

Oh dear OP. Hope you’ve got your hard hat on.

noblegreenk · 24/04/2021 23:56

@rainbowthoughts

Did your knob shrivel up when the women coped without you Hmm
😂😂😂
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 25/04/2021 00:03

You lost me at right....

ssd · 25/04/2021 00:08

Not really sure what youre on about...

Sosososotired · 25/04/2021 00:13

First of all your daughter is an adult. Also women don't need men to chaperone. I feel like this is a wind up tbh.

JesusWearsPrada · 25/04/2021 00:26

Lost me at “I know what this place is like”..

Did you really expect friendly considered responses after that? 😆

TaraR2020 · 25/04/2021 00:29

I think it's understandable and natural to worry about the safety of your loved ones when they're walking home at night- my female friends and I would - do - feel the same about each other as well.

I agree with a previous poster about your use of the word 'let', seems to me your wife was making a point that it's not something for you to control one way or another.

It might be more useful to check your daughter isn't taking any especially unsafe routes home and to arrange for both her and your wife to go to self defence classes if they wish.

The answer to the vulnerability of women walking around at night isn't to curtail their independence, its to better equip them to deal with threats and - most importantly - prevent men from committing these crimes in the first place.

Littlepaws18 · 25/04/2021 00:33

I think you have been a loving caring father and husband. Having been attacked myself walking home at your daughters age I absolutely understand your sense of dread.

I am in agreement that sadly walking home at night alone is just not a good idea for anyone. Our society isn't that safe.

ttcforsecondtime · 25/04/2021 00:36

Are you under a bridge op?

grapewine · 25/04/2021 00:39

Assuming women need a chaperone is patronising.

Macaroni46 · 25/04/2021 00:44

Oh FGS why is everyone giving the OP such a hard time. You sound kind and caring. Ignore the anti-men brigade on here!

bedtimeshoes · 25/04/2021 00:45

Sadly, being proud won't stop them from being attacked as they walk alone after dark. I think you should still meet her and not risk it.

Artesia · 25/04/2021 07:48

Today DD was telling us about National Rape Day ( I checked and it is a hoax, but a widely spread one) and how she hoped she would not be attacked walking home (said jokingly). My wife and I agreed we or I would walk down and meet her tonight just to play safe

I am just trying to wrap my mind about how you say "jokingly" to a 19 year old girl that you hope she doesn't get raped on her way home from work. Not really a LOL kind of subject is it?

Numnumcookie · 25/04/2021 07:53

Artesia read it again. It says the 19 year old girl said it jokingly, not her dad.

user1471423151 · 25/04/2021 09:05

Fair enough on the "let" point, badly worded. Of course my wife and daughters don't need my permission.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/04/2021 09:07

You sound like a loving dad.

I worry when my teens are out, as does my husband.

Boys and girls, we still worry.

It is the often completely random nature of attacks and being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I am a worrier.
The knowledge of how an attack changes a person is also part of the worry.

I remind mine tonbe careful every single time they leave the house.
I probably always will.

One of the joys of being a parent.

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