To want husband to not want to make me sad

[ThunderThunder]

Husband has had mood swings over the last 3 years. Lows can last for a couple of hours or a couple of days.

He refuses to see a doctor which is obviously an issue, but my aibu is a narrower point.

When he has a low mood he basically ignores me. Shrugs his shoulders, one word answers. Happened most recently on a day out with DC (too young to understand), but happens a few times a month.

Today I said how much the way he treats me like this really hurts and upsets me. Leaves me feeling confused and unable to look forward to doing things with him. He said I need to show some emotional intelligence and leave him alone.

I asked if he understood that it really upset me. He said yes. I asked if he wanted to do anything about that. He said he wouldn’t answer that and I was now trying to bully him.

All I wanted to hear was that he cared. He doesn’t though, does he?

AIBU to think his answer should have been of course I want to do something about it (even if actually doing something isn’t going to be easy - I suspect he has depression and appreciate you can’t snap out of it).

Being depressed doesn't mean you're allowed to be an abusive twat.....

Fine line between depression and Twatism.. Not seeking medical help makes his moods his fault...
Yanbu to issue an ultimatum.. Seek help or you will seek legal advice... Yabu to accept this is your marriage..

It sounds like he may well have depression. Maybe the real issue here is that he doesn't have enough respect for himself or you to ask for help and go to see a doctor.
That would be a step in the right direction showing that he cared.
If it is depression I really feel for the both of you as I've been on both sides and it's hard. I hope that he can see that although he won't be able to snap out of it if it is depression but he owes it to you (and himself although this is more about you) to get some help.

Does he work? Is he capable of behaving in an acceptable way with his colleagues?

He’s off sick at the moment. He says its fatigue (with some unspecified physical cause) but it seems like depression to me.

He doesn’t behave like this with others as far as I am aware (although he has fallen out with people at work).

I had the same conversation with my husband. We are seperated and heading for divorce. He told me it was my issue that his way of shutting me out made me anxious not his. The gaslighting and abuse started after this. Was my fault he wasn't talking to me etc

This sounds familar. When I’ve raised it before i’ve been told its my fault because i get angry but it doesn’t make any sense because I get fed up (not angry) when he doesn’t talk.

I can understand if he feels that dealing with your emotions in addition to his depression is too much for him to cope with - how can he care for you if he can't care for himself? You need to decide if you need to disentangle yourself from him, otherwise he will drag you down with him. Can you take care of your DC independently if necessary? (Financial/housing).

Financially I’d be fine. Housing tricky as we own our house and I wouldn’t leave DC and suspect he wouldn’t either.

Would love some time apart.

Well he's not going to get signed off on those grounds for very long.

I can't see what you'd be getting out of continuing to live with and be married to him.

You might find it useful to talk to a counsellor to figure out how to be emotionally independent. You are not responsible for his mental health - although (of course) you should encourage him to seek help - but you need to accept that he will only change when change is preferable to staying the same. This might happen too late for your relationship.

I think your point about being emotionally independent is a good one. I used to get very frustrated and would sometimes snap at him when this happens and it would ruin my day. I’m getting better at not doing that but i’m not sure what’s left of our relationship

Being more resilient yourself can only be good both for you and your children. Maybe (only maybe) if your husband sees this he will either feel under less pressure to emotionally support you and will be able to work his feeling out OR he will realise what he stands to lose and will seek professional help.