Is this a good response to patronising rude supervisor?

[TellySavalashairbrush]

I hold my hands up I’m a bit of a doormat. Had a very dominant mum and although I’m now 50, I still struggle with boundaries. As part of a training course I’ve had to transfer to a new department for 3 months where I have a different supervisor/mentor. I’ve always had very good relationships with every boss I’ve ever worked for as well as my colleagues. I’m generally well liked, respected and seen as reliable and a hard worker. From day one this new supervisor has had an attitude with me. Never knew her previously, so no back story. She constantly talks down to me, patronises me and is rude most days. I have completed all the work and am always first in and last out of the office.So far I have smiled and just done whatever she asks of me, but it’s making me ill. I hate confrontations and usually try and avoid any drama, but it’s really getting bad. I thought of saying ‘ok, that’s enough. I will not be spoken to like that. I respect you as a supervisor and will dp all that’s is required of me, but please stop being so offensive towards me.’ The next time she is rude. Does this sound ok? I feel a fool for even having to ask.

Probably better not to wait until she says something else. Ask for a private meeting and tell her you find the way she speaks to you patronising etc.
Be calm but firm and don't get into an argument - but yes, tell her, and tell her asap.

Do you think so? Would you start with’ an I have a word?’

I would ask for a meeting with her and her boss. Take control and don't put up with her bullshit for one more minute.

I would ask for a meeting, in private.

Can I have a word sounds a bit aggressive from the off to me - but I don't know the people involved. You're not trying to tell her off, just to get her to stop it.

Can you give us some examples of what she has said to you? If you’re going to confront her about it you will catagorically need to be able to state specific instances, just saying you feel patronised is woolly and unlikely to result in any change in behaviour of Bret than resentment

Other than... don’t know where Bret came from!

I had a similar supervisor and after several months when she snapped at me for asking a genuine question I just asked "have I offended you or done something to upset you?". She was completely taken aback and didn't know how to respond. She said no then ran off back to her office. Apparently it was all I needed to say because she stopped being so awful after that and treated me like everyone else. She definitely knew what she was doing but as I was a fellow doormat I don't think she expected me to acknowledge it in front of everyone.

I'd message or as soon as I saw them ask for a short private meeting. She's likely to respond "is there a problem?" To which you just say "shall we step into x room" or " just a quick chat, would [time] suit you".

Be reasonably positive in your language so it is clear you feel she could improve (even if you think she's hopelessly rude), explain you feel she is reading you wrong, talking down to you, undermining your experience- in short, her approach is offending you. That you're used to a more affirming supervision style, in keeping with the workplace ethic (blah blah) (don't directly say she's being unprofessional). Say you're looking forward to a more positive dynamic and leave it at that. Personally I'd email after the event to get it in writing that you had the meeting.

As Dynamo said, don't wait for another incident. This is likely to lead to an inflamed situation.

Instead, I agree, arrange a meeting. Be factual, clear & have examples. No need for any dramatic language, but be clear about what you need to happen.

Good luck.

Good advice from MilduraS - sounds like that was all that was needed. Would you be able to say that, OP?

I’m mindful of outing myself on here, but some examples have been speaking over me when I queried a calculation she corrected of mine (I used a calculator and knew it was right but she just shouted me down and insisted she was , so I didn’t argue) being told to ‘be quiet and pay attention’ when I didn’t grasp a tricky procedure first time are just a couple but there have been worse.

Yes. I do like that answer of MilduraS but as she so blunt I’d expect her to say, ‘no. What are you talking about ?’ Then I’d be stumped .

How much longer do you have to be there?

I worked with someone like this and when I raised it with her she said "I'm sorry you feel like that" and then I didn't know where to go with it. I didn't just fell like she was being rude and patronising and doing the opposite of anything I ever suggested. It was what was happening.

I think the "Have I offended you?" Is a good one if its appropriate.

I'd ask for a private meeting, do the usual Siht sandwich, thank her for (worst case agreeing to see you, taking the time to see you) then ask if if you have done anything wrong because you are keen to rectify whatever it was. Then wait. And listen really closely. Absolutely avoid being defensive or explaining or anything.

Just listen.

If she claims that there is nothing, be prepared with a couple of examples. When I did that calculation, I felt that you ...

No one can claim you didn't feel .

Have a few examples, make sure you have written them out in a very neutral way so she can't pick you up on anything.

Practise saying in infront of a mirror or even video yourself on your phone. Often enough to take the emotion out of it for you so you can be sure to stay in control of yourself.

Take it from there, when she does start to talk. Look encouraging, agree with her. Maybe summarise her thoughts to make sure you have understood and finish up by thanking again.

It's worth a shot. It's also how she should be dealing with any issue between you so should get her off your back one way or another.

Good luck

Can I have a word could sound a bit patronising, too. Please would you spare me some time.

You need examples if she does ask "what are you talking about?".

If it's only 3 months though it might be better to keep quiet if there's any chance she could mess things up for you elsewhere.

I'd be inclined to ask for a private meeting, making sure you have a chaperone/witness.

No no no to the pp who said 'it's only 3 months, maybe just suck it up?" (I am paraphrasing but that's essentially the gist of a PP's comment).

If it's only 3 months though it might be better to keep quiet if there's any chance she could mess things up for you elsewhere.

No. Not this. Awful advice.

@CandyLeBonBon It's not bad advice if you're 10 weeks in. If this woman has any influence over OP going forward/getting promoted etc then unless she has absolute concrete examples of rudeness then it may be worth not rocking the boat and moving on in 2 weeks. If it's just the start and the supervisor is definitely rude (witnessed by others not just OP) then that's different. Neither of the examples OP has given are horrendous.

Thank you all. I have another 2 months so if she carries on like she has I’ll be a wreck any then. I’m going to talk to her next week.

There are worse examples but I have a few old colleagues that definitely come on here and don’t want to out myself. I’m honestly not a complainer and generally take a lot of crap from others, which makes me realise how bad this current situation must be to even consider saying something.

@TellySavalashairbrush I didn't mean to imply that you're not in the right. The fact she's done more stuff means that you should speak up.

If you write a "script" for your opening line, have a few lines prepared you can follow up with depending one what she says. Make sure they are all factual and use statements like "I feel....".

"I'm sorry you feel like that"

Classic sorry, not sorry, it's a shit way for anyone to respond if you're trying to address an issue with them. I've been stumped by it a few times but now I say, "there's no need to apologise for my feelings when we're discussing your behaviour".

I'm a highly qualified professional - think Chartered. I returned to work after a short career break in a new industry and am in my 2nd job. In my prior role I implemented new Data Protection legislation and also had major responsibility in a governance role for the same for several years. I know my stuff.

In my current role I was told by a senior manager this week that I was wrong and that "the lawyers has looked at it". Now I am not a lawyer - that is not my "profession". I also dont have responsibility for it in my current role. But I am not wrong. (I have also spent the last 35 years dealing with lawyers - attention to detail is not their strength)

So I have spent the last few days wondering what to do. Should I continue to let this (my?) organisation mislead people? My organisation appear to treat people differently according to title or role. So me "vs" this senior manager - they wont back me.

So my advice to you - bearing in mind from your OP that this is a 3 month secondment - is to lie low. Do what you have to do and after 3 months move back to the old dept. I am following my own advice - I will never open my mouth again on Data Protection - if the organisation is rebuked - that is not my responsibility. It saddens me - I try to change what I can for the better - but I cannot take responsibility for a whole organisation where my role defines what they believe I can do, rather than my experience.