Separated but can’t live apart for financial reasons

[Stainedglasswindows]

Me and DP have decided to separate. Due to many factors, one of which, we’re simply not compatible anymore.
We have a 3 year old DC too.

Neither of us can afford to move out and get somewhere separate. We’ve both got some debt, him more so than me.
We’ve decided to continue living here together as friends with our son.
We’re sleeping in separate bedrooms.
It’s not an ideal situation by any means, but we don’t have a choice at the moment. I don’t want to end up in a grotty house or flat by myself with my son because that’s all I’d be able to afford by myself with my debt and the same goes for him. We really want the best for our son and want him to grow up somewhere nice and our current house is ideal for our circumstances.

Has anyone done this and made it work? We’ve said we’ll both give each other ‘time off’ and if either of us meet someone else just to inform the other one.

I know it sounds crazy, but I literally don’t know what else we can do.

With kindness Op, this is not going to work. It will also be very confusing for your DC as they get older. I personally do not think it is a healthy example to be setting your DC. Moving forward , if one of you meets someone and then decides to build a new life with them what happens then? A move will be inevitable and forced on the other. Also, this set up will not be conducive to forming new relationships generally, it is not something i would want myself be in the middle of. What if one of you meets someone and then allows the other to have "time off" which turns into weeks on end? The one left at home looking after DC will become bitter and it will lead to arguments and resentment. It really has mess written all over it.

It is wiser now for you both to sit down and work out how you achieve your own homes. Spk to your creditors separately and explain what is happening. They may be able to assist in reducing yr debt payments and spreading over a longer term. Look at what you can both do to increase your own personal incomes / salaries and any benefits you may be entitled to separately. Do you own your home? Can you sell and use any equity towards reducing both yr debts?

It is better to be in your own place before your DC starts primary. Once you have your new place you can look at schs local to where you are then.

There is no easy way to do this OP but anyone leaving a relationship has been through it. Compromises will be have to made. Eventually the arrangement you are in now will end as will be unsustainable. You are really just delaying the inevitable.

Personally, you and DP should use the rest of this yr to get everything in order so that you can separate. It may be that you can afford to take your current home over yourself ? If not, the key is to look at your incomes and what you need to do to be able to house and support yourselves independently of each other. This living arrangement will come to a head at some point. It is better to address it head on now than have to react suddenly later, which will be stressful and painful for all involved.

I’ve been co parenting like this for years - I think life comes in all shapes and sizes so if it works and you get on give it a go. It doesn’t have to be forever. My experience hasn’t always been great but my co parent is a bit of a dick with issues! I don’t see the harm in trying - if you can be kind and not argue. I know that when my daughter was younger it did work. She just wanted both of us. Also I’ve always seen my boyfriends as friends, they don’t get ditched off the minute we aren’t together so it’s not a stretch to try to do this. Also not really bothered about a new relationship so that wasn’t a factor. I would be miserable with no help in a shit flat.

I would focus on paying off debt as soon as possible and build up your savings so you can leave. Sounds very messy, won't it be a bit awkward if one of you meets a new partner?

Thanks for the replies.

It’s something we’re keen on trying and it certainly won’t be forever. I do suffer with depression, so being alone in a grotty flat with my son would probably push me over the edge. I love my house here and I’ve maintained it to the best standard I can. I really don’t want to leave, not yet anyway. As PP has said our DS wants and needs us both at the moment, physically as well as emotionally.

I totally get why you would try this. I would be in the same situation if me and partner split up. together we are financially comfortable but apart we would struggle, I at least would have to rent and I've worked it out many a times and it just wouldn't be doable for us. we are more like friends than together but are together. give it a try and see what happens.

You could always try bird nesting if one of you meet someone

I think you also need clear rules and boundries going forward, like housemates would have. Light be worth writing it all down. Like:
Who cleans what and when?
Each person buy their own food and cooks
What days are you responsible for dc - so feeding, bathing, nursery pick up and drop off schedule.
How are bills divided so that everything is paid?

Is there space for 2 sitting rooms?
Kitchen schedule/bathroom schedule

What's rule for people staying over?
When would new partners be introduced.

So worth hashing all this out now

Following, because have a similar situation. I am also wondering whether it would work.

@shivawn we’ve spoken about new partners and we said we’ll both give each other space to do that. We both want the other to be happy, we just don’t think we’re happy together. We both care about each other , but as friends.

My parents tried this. It lasted 6 months until my dad moved out. I think my mum just couldn't bear the sight of him by that point. But to be fair he did seem to think she'd still do all the cooking and cleaning and iron his shirts....

I can see the appeal but I think you have to be realistic. It's unlikely to work well for you both. It can happen, but the reasons you're breaking up are probably exactly the reasons this set up wouldn't work.

By all means give it a go, but have clear communication in place, and work very hard on improving your financial situation so it won't be so awful if/when you do to your separate ways.

Good luck

I did it for four years, it became pure hell. I left my beautiful house but at the end of the day my mental health was more important and my physical well being. If you are both on the same page it could work, maybe set a future date to review how it's working. Good luck.

@Stainedglasswindows that's fair, I guess I'm thinking more from the potential partners point of view that living with the ex might be a red flag. Just something to consider if you do plan to try meeting someone new.

I agree that you should both get your heads down and get your debts paid off. Sit down and make a plan of how you can both reduce your expenditure and bring in more money. Definitely return to work if you haven't already, this should be your priority.

There is no reason that any flat you end up in will be grotty. You can make things nice.

Living together is not going to work in the long term. You can't get on in a romantic relationship so you aren't going to be able to do it as friends.

It's great that you can do it in the short term though as it will help you both get things together financially. It's money that is the key here.

Needs must OP. I've been doing this for 5 years with my ex for some complicated reasons. It's not ideal, but the alternative isn't exactly ideal either, so it's a matter of choosing your least bad option.

I find it's somewhere between being friends and siblings. You know each other to be friends/flatmates. So arguments can happen but it's possible to make up in the way children siblings would, moving on like siblings do because they're living together.

Definitely work towards paying off your debts and getting yourself in a stronger financial situation. And also pay close attention to how it's affecting your mental health. While it's a choice now, if you both really want to live separately but can't, then the feeling turns into being trapped and that is very destructive.

I think you should set a time limit and work towards getting into a better place financially so you can split.

Get your heads down and pay off the debt, then work towards saving so you can move out.

Can you rent a one bedroom flat??

You share the flat n house but not at same time? Child stays in the main home and you and ex rotate between flat and house???

If you are amicable enough to live together why not try and give the relationship another go? Try counseling and see if you can make it work?

My friends did this, for a year, it’s very very very hard to do. Particularly if one starts dating, it’s pretty impossible to have your partner over, and if one of you does, it’s seldom pleasant for the other. In addition new partners don’t like it when you’re living with your ex. Then one might decide to move on with someone else.

Overall from what I saw it’s a nightmare situation and can breed resentment,

I think far more people do this than you think. Many, many couples do it 'technically', by way of the fact that they're not in love any more, but don't actually have the conversation about it. So, you're actually miles ahead of those people in that you both know where you stand.
I didn't mean to, but we're two years in to this now, simply because house moves are taking 6 months at the moment, and they've fallen through twice. Often it's been far far better than our miserable marriage was with no expectations of each other. I've had enough now though, at two years.
So, if I were you, do it, and save like a demon to be able to afford to move on ASAP.

It will only work until one of you finds someone else.

Make a plan.

A timescale in which you use shared living to save, pay off debt, and explore your options.

You seem certain that an alternative Hine would be ‘gritty’, but plenty of separated Mums live in places that are definitely not grotty.

Knowledge is power, which will give you confidence. Find out what benefits you might be eligible for as a single parent on your income. Look at how you might be able to increase your earnings- are you using all the free childcare hours, or will you be able to soon?

You seem to be staying for fear of change. That’s ok til you get your bearings, but it isn’t a long term solution.

My sister has lived successfully like this for 9 years. She is probably a lot older than you and neither has ever had another partner and are not interested. There was just a drifting apart romantically, no third party Their only child is in his late twenties. My sisters ex is a nurse working mainly nights in a hospital so they can have quite separate lives with the differences in working hours.

Try getting in touch with a debt charity, Christians against poverty are good and start to sort your finances out. I think arrangements like this can work until someone finds themselves in another romantic relationship.

You say your incompatible so I’m assuming it is truly over and not recoverable.

I'm in a similar situation, my partner and I have decided to end our relationship, we have a toddler dd and 4 month old ds. He can't yet afford to get his own place as he would need to save for deposit, first month's rent and new furniture etc. I dont want to just kick him out because I know he won't have anywhere else to stay and we want to stay amicable as possible for the children. so atm I am home with the kids in the day (on mat leave) and he works, comes home we both get the kids bathed etc and in bed and we watch TV together and eat dinner, we sleep in separate rooms. I dont think it will work long term but for now it's fine. If we had ended because of abuse or cheating I couldn't have him in the house tho