Working on it but my comparision to good husbands is dragging me back

[Lostandlost]

I had posted my plight in another thread. We were a good couple until my H wrote away his past/present and future savings to his sister and backs his decission with a 'I am still treating you and kids well in the present isnt it?' and claims I must be ok with it. I am NOT. I was a sahm for all these years trusting my H to save for my kids and helping him earn as much as he does ( he never pitches in for any household or child care).

Now I have accepted that my children arnt going to inherit a penny from him even thou he is a high earner. I have accepted that what my children will get is what I sum up from now on. I am working on a small career path which I am confident I will be ok at. It will take 18 mnths to 2 yrs and some money (£1000).. but I am ready to use all my saving to have a better and RELIABLE life with kids.

What I am struggling at is:

I have been a dedicated and hard working mum and I dont regret it a bit. I have done everything with my whole heart. I dont want monetary return to it. BUT when I see my friends and they do the same amount of work, their husbands praise them, acknowledge them and gift them precious jewellry. Now I am not taking about the value of the jewerlly but the affection that it came out from. The greatful ness they have towards their wives for working for the family.

I am putting 1hr aside for stduying but this comparision is eating away half of my stidy time :(. I wonder why my H wont appreciate, I wonder why my children have to suffer when other dads are making their childrens life secure. About the jewerrly, I dont wear it much, but I would love to have some 'investment jewerrly' that I can gift my daughter later. I see myslef not having any thou with the salary I might end up with. I resent what I have put myself into and the children. I resent that I will never be able to afford any fancy things to buy so that I can give like a heirloom to my daughter or grandchildren. I resent that even thou we have a chance to live fairly well ( as my H can easily afford nice jewellry but he only chooses to gift to his mother and sister) we will have nothing.

AIBU.

I am so sorry, I know I have to be greatful for what I have but seeing others with the same resources and seeing their wifes getting appreciated and children getting secured is making me resent everything.

I am spiritual person but dont know what has happened to me. My H was a person who used to acknowledge me until Inasked about the will and now he says 'you are wasting my money on your shoes and face creams'. I buy shoes for £15 and facecreams for £10... the amount of money he has written aways is hundreds of thousands.

I am too proud to even eat properly in this house, let alone buying something. Its killing me inside and my friends send me pics of jewerrly bought by their husbands.

Please give me a tip to survive for 2yrs. Please help me. I dont want to change him. I want to change myself for a happier self I was in the past.

I'm guessing you have separate finances?

In my view, if you're doing all the housework/childcare then he's earning on behalf of the family, and the income should all be joint. So you can buy your own jewellery.

But I suspect your set-up is different.

I like your plan. But also agree with *LannieDuck. Do you have access to his earnings?

Tip for surviving the next 2 years: read how to do everything and be happy. It will really help you break down your goals into manageable chunks and next steps. I think having part goals (is that what they're called in english) would help you along the way and feel as if you are making progress.

Ah, I've just read your other thread. There's a lot of really important information on there - you have a religious marriage that doesn't fall under UK law, and which means that you aren't entitled to any of his property/wealth (apologies if I've summarised that poorly, I'm paraphrasing).

You need some specialist advice on your position - there were some helpful links posted in the other thread.

Are they his children too?

Im surprised your not used to it by now!

You don’t need him to gift you items, you are not his priority. You are your priority and your kids. Stop loosing focus, study, work hard, earn your money and then by yourself jewels.

I know it’s shit for you and you have been truly stabbed in the back but history can not be changed. Your strong enough to do this yourself, you need to focus!!

Also, he probably bought her jewellery because his secretly shagging the woman at work- ignore it and move on!

Focus on you, you deserve too.

Hello all :),
Thankyou, I am reading and absorbing your ideas.
Sigh, why is it so hard to come to terms with betrayal, but if I dont, I am only wasting more time surely.

I have given up making him see what he has done because the only way I can be right is by being his mum or his sister. So there isnt any point.

He has started belittling me and claiming that I am a moocher since I wuestioned about his decissions.

How do I ignore these hurtful verbal insults and concentrate?.. I know I have to do it somehow but looking if someone has some suggestions which makes it easier for me to swim thru this.

Hold on a minute ..

You say on your other thread that the house is jointly owned ? Then it matters not a jot that you are effectively cohabiting partners in the eyes of UK law.

You are in the UK so the ONLY law that is relevant is UK law. Hindu law has no jurisdiction in the UK.

You either hold the property as 'joint tenants ' or 'tenants in common' . If it's joint tenants then you will inherit his 'half' automatically regardless of who he thinks he has given it away to.. If it's tenants in common then he can leave his HALF to whoever he wishes... but CANNOT give away your share.
At worst YOU will still own half the value of the house.
At best it will all come to you. Doesn't matter what religion you are. No religious 'laws' take precedence over UK law if you live in the UK..

Also.... even though you are not legally married in the uk .. then there is still 'The children's Act' under which cohabiting spouses can apply for financial support for their children when divorcing or after the partners death.

You URGENTLY need to get yourself to a solicitor that deals with UK family law.. and away from one that gives any time of day to religious customs. It's entirely irrelevant !!

The house divide is the same if you leave /or he dies.

Personally I would leave now and get your half of the house ! No divorce required as you are not married (in uk law)

You can get a lawyer who can take their fees from your settlement.

Tell him you are leaving unless he marries you in a UK registry office. No need to tell anyone. Then his family will have nowhere to go if he dies /you divorce.
Don't forget that if you leave before marriage or divorce.. he still has to pay child maintenance as a % of his salary .. again this is the law and not optional !

@Frustratedbeyondbelief

Hold on a minute ..

You say on your other thread that the house is jointly owned ? Then it matters not a jot that you are effectively cohabiting partners in the eyes of UK law.

You are in the UK so the ONLY law that is relevant is UK law. Hindu law has no jurisdiction in the UK.

You either hold the property as 'joint tenants ' or 'tenants in common' . If it's joint tenants then you will inherit his 'half' automatically regardless of who he thinks he has given it away to.. If it's tenants in common then he can leave his HALF to whoever he wishes... but CANNOT give away your share.
At worst YOU will still own half the value of the house.
At best it will all come to you. Doesn't matter what religion you are. No religious 'laws' take precedence over UK law if you live in the UK..

Also.... even though you are not legally married in the uk .. then there is still 'The children's Act' under which cohabiting spouses can apply for financial support for their children when divorcing or after the partners death.

You URGENTLY need to get yourself to a solicitor that deals with UK family law.. and away from one that gives any time of day to religious customs. It's entirely irrelevant !!

100% this.

Why do you think you have to stay? Surely being poor and alone is better than your life? Youre going round in circles and e9nt be happy. You arent the problem, you canglt change yourself to fix him, youll never be enough so dont waste your time trying.

I need to put the UK marraige option before him and see... I have no hopes and I have prepared to leave... but as I said, I have a plan. I some how need to stay until I am slightly capable.
I dont need to stay for myself but I do need some sort of stability for my children to depend on me... else what is the difference between my H and me?

@Frustratedbeyondbelief

The worst can actually be zero share of the house....not half. Yes, if OP is named as joint owner on the deeds, she owns half now and automatically gets his half of the house when he dies. But the house could be jointly owned by him and anyone...his sister, his mother. She has to be named as a joint owner. The fact she doesn’t know, means she’s not seen the deeds so there is no certainty that she is any kind of part owner of the house at all.

For tenants in common, again OP must be named as a tenant in common with a % share that can be as low as 1% of the house. It’s usually not a 50/50 split. So the worst if she is a tenant in common is a 1% share, not half. And yes, a tenant in common passes their share to whoever they name in their will or if intestate by U.K. precedence of beneficiaries/next of kin.

Even worse, OP could be neither a joint tenant or tenant in common, but a mere occupant with her partner being sole tenant/owner of the house or, as previously mentioned, her partner may be joint owner with his mother or sister.

In which case, because she is not officially married under U.K. law, the starting point is zero share of the house and no right to force a sale in the event of a split/relationship break down.

I agree OP needs specialist legal advice as to what her rights are to claim financial support for herself and their? children from her potential ex, as they treat women who were defrauded by unofficial marriages as special cases. However, the worst isn’t half the house, it’s actually zero from him and going on benefits until she is financially independent.

At least the option for benefits is there, she doesn’t need a penny from him to leave and establish a life for herself and the children elsewhere. If she simply just decided to go, she could work with Citizens Advice and the council to set up accommodation, UC claim and so on and just move out. Then pursue him for child support (if they are his children) and with a specialist for anything extra that might apply if she were defrauded into thinking she was officially married under U.K. law when she wasn’t.

I need to check the deeds. I think I am me tioned but not sure if as tenant or occupier. I am not sure if I can benifits as I am not still a UK citizen and also my husbands salary is much above average salary.

Thankyou @Frustratedbeyondbelief for the inputs.

@Everyone: I am thankful for all your inputs as I have been in this country only for 5yrs and things are new esp, when wanting to leave.

As I said, I am trying to concentrate on some job worthiness and then swimming against my Hs callous comments and feeling slightly jealous on others succesfull marraiges. However, I want them to all be happy, I dont mean any harm to them, I just get hurt inside on my own situation.

But what choice do I have... I am now fantasising making my own small home with my own resources and not being called a moocher.

OP you need an immigration solicitor also....if you’ve been legally in U.K. for 5yrs you may be eligible for Indefinite Leave to Remain (ILR) which would make you eligible for recourse to public funds (benefits). If your children are British citizens, that can also by itself make you eligible for benefits as their parent until you get ILR and then U.K. citizenship in your own right, especially if any of them are under age 10.

Most immigration solicitors will give you a free initial consultation and guidance. As youve been resident for 5yrs that is the minimum threshold to be potentially eligible for such status. Please contact one as soon as you can.

Also, they won’t count his salary at all once you split. You can even officially separate and still be living there for temporary time until council housing and benefits are paid to you allowing you to afford to move out.

You can check the ownership by buying your own copy of the ‘deeds’ from the Land Registry website
www.gov.uk/search-property-information-land-registry
It costs £3 and the copy can be downloaded to your email.

Thanks all will do it rightaway

OP - your strength and care for your children is a much more precious heirloom than anything you buy. I hope they will look back and appreciate all you do for them and do the same for the people they love too.

@Namenic 💖

I don’t have any useful advice beyond what other posters have given, but I just wanted to offer you my support and respect.

You are clearly a fantastic mother and your husband and his family don’t deserve you. I really hope you can get on your feet independently, and that a solicitor can help ensure your husband doesn’t leave you with nothing.