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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hate my friends partner

12 replies

kellykapowskiismyidol · 24/04/2021 09:22

Have a very close friend of many years. Our kids are very good friends. She is a wonderful person but she makes some very questionable choices. Especially with her choice in men.

Her current partner is a complete dickhead. He is controlling, abusive, lazy and awful to her. I think he is also involved in some criminal activity but not sure to what extent. She has a son from a previous relationship and two kids with current partner. He shows little interest in any of the kids. He doesn't provide financially for her but refuses to help around the house too. He's also incredibly rude to any of her friends and family (myself included) who dare to visit the house to see her. He makes it clear we are not welcome and the atmosphere is just terrible.

We've had so many chats over this. One minute she is leaving, the next they are perfectly happy again. I've been supportive but also clear on my feelings towards him. I don't feel like I want to go to the house anymore when he makes it so unpleasant.

She's recently done her usual trick of saying she's leaving then backtracking and now there are lots of loving social media posts and pictures of their recent trip to the seaside on with hashtag family times Envy

Aibu to just wash my hands of this? I'm done with supporting her and listening to the dramas only for her to go back again. I know it's her life and not my business. I also know it's not my place to interfere but I'm also sick of hearing about it and having to deal with him when I pop round to see her.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 24/04/2021 09:37

I walked away from a similar situation... situation was never going to change and I didn’t want to listen to the drama anymore

kellykapowskiismyidol · 24/04/2021 09:46

@Lollypop701 harsh as it sounds I'm just bored with it. I have my own problems in life. And as much as I would always be there to support her, it's just the same cycle over and over. He will never change but neither will she by the looks of it.

OP posts:
SpringtimeSummertime · 24/04/2021 09:50

See her only away from the house and him or, as you say, walk away from the whole mess.
Depends on how much you want to remain in touch with her.

pasturesgreen · 24/04/2021 09:58

I could have written your post, OP. Cutting contact is not an option as she's one of my best friends and I love her dearly, but I told her quite clearly that I refuse to see him and be dragged into their drama.

RandomMess · 24/04/2021 10:10

Sounds like it's an abusive relationship and he is trying to isolate her from friends and family.

You can tell her that you will always be there for her and support her if she leaves and perhaps direct her to speaking to woman's aid every time she starts complaining?

So yeah don't feed the drama but don't cut her off.

UniversitySerf · 24/04/2021 10:54

Same here but she cut contact when I criticised his awful behaviour towards her. I was devastated.

crosstalk · 24/04/2021 11:29

Agree with not cutting contact completely.

kellykapowskiismyidol · 24/04/2021 11:42

I wouldn't cut contact, she's too important to me. But I feel drained by it and it's not even my relationship!!!

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 24/04/2021 11:45

I agree that it would be a shame for you and possibly dangerous for her if you were to cut contact.

Can you say to her that you want to have a ban on talking about him and their relationship? I have done this before. Then you can talk about all the other things in life and see if you still enjoy the friendship.

eatyourcake · 24/04/2021 12:00

I have a similar situation. Been going on for maybe 7 years. She knows she needs to leave, but not ready (for years), as he's brainwashed her to feel worthless. I will be there to help and support when the time comes, be it tomorrow or 10 years from now, she knows my spare room is always ready. Every time we talk about him I end up trying to convince her to leave, get all worked up, but it's not helping, so I just try to catch myself, let her speak but not get too involved, as not to upset her too much.. Luckily he's not physically abusive, so I'm not worried about something awful happening, or I'd be dragging her out of there by force.

AdoraBell · 24/04/2021 12:10

Please don’t cut contact. Maybe tell her you will only see her outside as suggested already.

Many people in abusive relationships take a long time to leave, or even see the wood for trees. My own mother felt she couldn’t leave while me and siblings were in school.

I agree you should suggest something like Women’s Aid next time she talks about leaving.

acceptableinthe80sx · 24/04/2021 12:30

Was in a similar situation. It was every other week "I'm leaving him" and then next time I'd see her she acted like it never happened. Hmm
The next time she brought it up saying she was going to leave him I said I'm sorry but I can no longer give advice or talk about it as it was to stressful.
She's not mentioned it again so happy days. Smile

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