To want to tell ex off for smoking in the car with DD

[beingniceiscool11]

I think it’s actually illegal now to smoke in the car with a child... ?

Quite a few issues coming up recently with my ex’s parenting ... he is bipolar but does not address his manic or depressive states apart from to self medicate with smoking weed when manic. I believe he’s manic now as it seems to coincide over the years with spring/summer.

• DD said the other day Daddy was being sick in the toilet in the morning because he drank too much beer. He laughed about this telling me as if it was no big deal. His recent ex-gf reached out to me with concerns.. said he went on a drinking and drug binge after they broke up & said she also heard about him doing this whilst looking after DD. (In the court order it says must not engage in illegal substances 24 hours before care of DD and must make sure she is not exposed to them)
• DD said her Dad has been smoking in the car with her & in the house - just sort of blowing smoke out the window but she still coughs and it smells she said.
• She also said he left her in the house alone whilst he went to the shops to get milk (she’s 6) - the closest shop is probably 20 mins or more drive away. He admitted this to me when I asked by text about this and said he won’t do it again.
• His recent ex-girlfriend reached out to me recently to tell me she believes that all my accusations of physical abuse were completely true now and she is seriously concerned about his mental health.
• She said he told her that he has left DD alone in house another time whilst she was sleeping and he went out.
• That DD told her “Daddy grabbed me” when he took her into the next room to tell her off for not listening
• That he grabbed her son by the scruff of the neck and picked him up like that and that’s part of why relationship ended. Said he used to bully her son also emotionally.
• He now has a new gf straight away who is in his ex-gf’s friendship circle - she says she’s a very vulnerable woman who smokes a lot of weed, has 3 teenagers who all smoke weed together. Ex has also already introduced DD to this new gf and her kids 2 months into dating.

Currently am worried about all this & the potential that DD will suddenly be staying overnight (as he did very suddenly with his last relationship) in a house with everyone smoking weed & 3 teenagers who aren’t not her siblings and who her Dad hardly even knows as well.

Not sure what to do/how to raise this or whether I even should?

Background: I have been at pains to raise any parenting issues recently with DD’s father as he has been volatile and vengeful in the past... unable to take any questioning or critique - gets very angry & turns things around on me. Makes things very difficult eg. reducing child maintenance suddenly.
I kind of just accepted he is who he is & will not change .. as long as DD seems happy then I have to just leave him to it with his parenting. He took me to court twice in 2 years despite seeing DD loads & me trying to collaborate with him. He used the court process to control and intimidate me and was emotionally, physically & verbally abusive to me and DD but ultimately the court still granted shared care due to lack of evidence.

Surely to God, with all of that you should be able to stop her going. You haven't stated if any of the teens are male. And I am sorry but I would be extremely worried about your little girl being around weed smoking teens and if she is safe from any abuse and harm. Or if the teens are girls do they have boyfriends staying over. I would not deem my child safe at all in this situation

Have you told the courts this? I wouldn’t be allowing contact without supervision.

If this is true you need to stop contact.

I agree with Purple, if be very worried about my daughter in those circumstances. More worried about the drugs in sight of a 6yr old.

Fuck that. Stop sending her.

I can't believe the court order said that about the drugs. 24 hours after using drugs and bipolar on no meds? He shouldn't be having anything other than supervised contact. He sounds highly unstable.

I don't know how the courts make these decisions, as though it I always in the child's best interests to see their dad even when they are emotionally unstable, abusive, unsafe, on drugs, and leaving the DC vulnerable to all kinds of risks. I would get some legal advice, but ideally stop contact until the court order can be changed/reviewed. Illegally smoking in a car with the 6 year old is hardly the tip of the iceberg here!

He’s not fit to look after a child. Protect your DD.

Not sure what to do/how to raise this or whether I even should?

Really?

Protect your daughter.

I’d stop contact without a doubt.

You need to stop contact with him now. I am saying this as a SW (retied now). You are placing your child at risk by allowing her to stay with him. When he kicks off tell him your concerns and advise him to go back to court if he wants to continue to see her.

I agree with others about stopping her going.

It sounds like he hasn't followed the court order as the ex says he was doing drugs when having contact. Plus all the other new information that has come to light.

Do you think his ex girlfriend would be happy to talk to CAFCASS/the court to confirm what she has told you?

Thanks for all your responses ... I’ve stopped contact in the past due to DD disclosing to the that he hit her at 2.5 years old (she was speaking in full sentences at this age due to advanced speech but still they didn’t believe her/me) and again when she was 4/5 that he roughly handled her whilst getting her dressed and hurt her, that she was afraid of him getting her dressed, that he put his hand over her mouth and held her down etc .. she even disclosed this to the GP. She has sensory issues and he refuses to acknowledge them etc. Court ordered that he go to the sensory information group for parents... but because of lockdown they stopped running them I think.
I’ve told all of this so social services & contacted them many times, every time they said there is nothing they can do. I can’t “stop sending” her as she picks her up from school. I’ve been down this road many times (he took me to court twice over me stopping contact) Every time they said the concerns are not sufficient to stop or limit contact.
They paint it as “issues between the parents”. Maybe they would listen if the ex-gf would speak to Cafcass but that would require more court action which takes months. And they would deem it more harmful for DD to sudden not see her Dad at all probably. They don’t seem to care about abuse and neglect anymore unless it’s serious enough to cause life threatening injuries. Every time I raise these issues he paints me as a controlling bitter ex who is jealous of whatever new relationship he has & they seem to believe him. hence why I said I don’t know if I should raise it at all.
Spoke to social worker on phone so many times & they said it’s not their job & you need some sort of emergency court order to stop him picking her up from school which is hard to get without evidence of drugs, neglect etc. And drugs tests cost hundreds if not thousands of pounds & they would need to come out of my pocket if I insisted on them during court process. I don’t have the money at all but won’t qualify for legal aid this time. Last time by the time the test got authorised & arranged (again we’ve been down this road before) it’s had been months since he was notified he had to take them, and so he just abstained & his tests came back with such small amounts of cannabis that they couldn’t say for sure it he’d been using or just around others who had.

I agree about the teenage boys etc... that was my worry. Just not a suitable environment. Because he’s manic he makes reckless decisions. He has no formal diagnosis as he won’t submit for one but everyone in his life and all girlfriends before and since me agree .. even he will sometimes admit he has it. But won’t get properly psych evaluated unless court order it.. again this costs a lot of money. Only way it wouldn’t perhaps is if social services or Cafcass ordered it. But to get to the that point again there has to be solid evidence of harm before they will do anything. The system is f**ked. Hence why I am feeling what shall I do.... I’ve just ended up going round in circles with this in the past & being told “you have no evidence/it’s not serious enough/you’ll need to go back to court/you just need to sort out your differences with your ex” .... etc etc.

there has to be a way to get someone else to pick her up from school. The man is a mentally unstable druggie who associates with other druggies, and the serious scum will be along before too long. If they aren't already there.

whatever it takes.

Tell the school. They will have to report it to social services as a safeguarding risk.
They might take more notice if it’s raised by a third party.

I mean for contact in term time on his days, he collects her from school eg. Weds and every other Friday - so my option would be to go to the school gates and pick her up instead which would cause a huge scene and be upsetting for DD & she has come to think her Dad’s behaviour is normal so she wouldn’t understand why contact had been stopped, she’d be really sad not to see him. Social services would take this into account also & probably recommend contact reinstates at it will in DD’s best interest for nothing to change.. probably he’d do an emergency court order hearing or something to punish me for breaking court order. Honestly they don’t care unless serious bodily harm or solid evidence. Maybe the ex-gf calling social services or making a statement would help. But the court process will cause so much stress for whole family including affect DD. I wish someone eg. School would take it further & advocate for her... I’ve tried to many times and get knocked back every time and even been told they could take her away from me for “trying to alienate her from her Dad” ... they believe his fake victim act , instead of believing DD or me ~ those mothers who have falsely accused men of domestic violence etc and tried to turn the kids against the father has really ruined the system for those who give genuine reports & have genuine concerns...
So perhaps yes I will speak to the school but last time (different school) they just said it’s not their job to report safeguarding concerns from ME - it’s only if they hear it directly from the child, if the child discloses it to a member of staff. Even the fact they didn’t listen or deem it serious enough what she disclosed to the GP.... shows how little they do about emotional abuse or physical restraint & frightening children on purpose to get them to do what you say, hand over the mouth etc. The fact they didn’t order supervised contact for that... shows they really either don’t believe children and mothers, or they honestly don’t think it’s serious enough or affects the child adversely enough.