To wish I could shrug this off better

[Alldressedup]

Stupid bloody Facebook. Just seen another photo of some people who I thought I was friends with on a night out. We all have a shared interest/hobby. I totally get that there’s a limit of 6 people, but why post it on social media? Just feels cruel.

This has been the case for a few years now. Something like this happens and I pull away from it all because it makes me feel shit then time passes and I start thinking that actually they are ok and maybe we are friends, then bang, something happens again and I realise my place. These people are not my friends.

The funny thing is, I have enough other friends, I’m popular, confident and busy. I don’t need them. But it just instantly transports me back to being 13 again and going to school on Monday and hearing I’ve been left out of something that had been planned behind my back.

I absolutely know that IABU because I should just rise above it and ignore, which I do. But it still stings and I can’t help that.

Please give me a shake!

No shake here because this could have been written by me!
For me it’s a bunch of school mums. No matter what I do, I always seem to be on the periphery. I know they all have a WhatsApp group because they’re members of the same gym, so they make plans that I’m occasionally invited to (usually if someone has dropped out). They post photos of them all enjoying a spa day or drinks by the waterfront on Facebook and I have to sit on my hands to stop myself typing some passive aggressive reply!

I know deep down that I’m just not on their radar and I try to distance myself but it still hurts. So no shake from here. Just a sympathetic virtual hug.

They're not true friends.

I would unfollow them if you don't want to unfriend them on Facebook so you don't see their posts.

Meet up with your other friends and enjoy your life, and post photos.

Life is too short to waste it worrying about not being included 💖

Thanks ladies. That helps 😄
@Michellebops that’s what I intend to do - make plans to see my actual friends and enjoy it. I care less about this when I do that. I just get in a cycle of being sucked back in then shit on.

How many of you are there in the wider hobby group? Were you the only one left out? Or was it a core of six people from a group of say, 30?

It's horrible when people do that but it's FB, if they were having a brilliant time posting on FB wouldn't cross your mind
They want people to be envious
Bollocks to them

I don’t understand. Surely they’re allowed to socialise together?

Just because they hang out together sometimes doesn’t mean they’re not your friend.

@Incywincyspinsters There are about 15 in total but there a few sub groups within that, but from those who went out last night I’d say there were maybe 2-3 who I think will feel a bit stung by this.

@EmilyFrost because OP thought she was part of the friendship group and has not been included

YANBU. I had the same with NCT mums and fear it’s going to be the same with the school mums. It’s a really horrible feeling

I've learnt you need to be more proactive, amd organise things too. If you are always waiting for others to invite you, you will eventually fall away.
With my friends I will say, oh that looked great, shall we organise another trip too xxxxx, I'd like to come too. Then suggest a vague day so its not a forgettable invite

This is a horrible feeling

As an aside - the rule of 6 thing is really tricky. I have a big bday coming up and have decided just to have 4 friends I know through dc school round. There are a couple of others I’d like to invite and who I think might be surprised they’ve not been invited/might ask me what I’m doing for my bday etc. But then it’s 7... and then there are maybe other friends that might feel offended or left out of the number is bigger. Plus those 2 are prolific Facebook posters and I don’t really want anything on there since I’ve not been able to invite everyone.

In my case it’s not that I like the other 2 less just that the 5 of the rest of us tend to do more things together and it’s a nice dynamic

As jn.. not everyone in the 5 gets on with the other 2 as well as me. And aside from this bday thing I’m usually quite passive and not good at organising stuff.

15 people can’t go out all together all the time. It’s ridiculous to think sub groups within the big group can’t go out just in case someone is offended.

@emilyfrost Calm down! I’ve not said that 15 people would have gone out. I’ve said probably 7 would see themselves in this ‘group’.
And of course they can go out. They can do what the hell they like. But they would be ignorant to not think that posting this on FB would leave a few people feeling like shit.

If you know all 15 can’t go out together all the time and that it’s reasonable to expect subgroups to form and develop and enjoy themselves, what is the issue with them posting their good time online?

They’re your friends, wouldn’t you be happy for them? Why would it make you feel like shit knowing the above?

Good grief @EmilyFrost, she said she knows she's being unreasonable but she is hurt that she wasn't invited, I think most people would be if they thought they were part of the friendship group

I get it. Same is happening to me with some of the mums at school. It’s shit and it hurts. Have come off FB so I don’t see it, but I live next door to someone who I had previously thought of as a good friend, so there’s no avoiding seeing she has people round. Or others ask if I’m going to Xs tonight as they assume I would as I live next door and I have to confess I know nothing about it. It’s crap, and I don’t know what the answer is, other than focus on other friendships and relationships and leave them to it.

Thank you. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who would feel hurt by this.
@emilyfrost I would love to shrug it off like you (hence the title), which is why I’ve questioned my feelings, but clearly they’re valid given the other responses. Understanding that people can do what they want with who they want doesn’t mean that I can’t still feel amiss.
Anyway, I’ve been out this morning and seen some other friends and we are going to make plans and go out soon, so that’s cheered me up. And I’ve also had a message from another group suggesting a meet up. So like I say, I do have plenty of friends and a busy life, so I need to step away from a few people and protect my feelings.