Advice Mental/Verbally abusive relationship

[Dreamsxo]

Hi,

Looking for advice all though I feel I already know the answer. Posting in Aibu as this is usually most popular. Lurker for years, have never posted

Been with partner for 10 years. 3 year old daughter. Crazy in love as teenagers. Throughout the years things changed and I slowly saw another side to him. We moved into a flat together early 20s. Things were ok for a few years. Normal arguments like most couples (although I would get the silent treatment for literally a week). ) years passed, found out I was pregnant and we were so happy. Then cracks began to show. A small minor disagreement and he would scream and shout at me, screaming in my face while driving etc while I quietly sat in tears. This became a constant thing. Even when I was heavily pregnant. He started to drink more often and this is when he would get worse. (Never physically, emotionally and verbally) we went on a weekend break before I gave birth and it was the happiest I’d felt in along time. He took care of me and no alcohol. Things were great, baby was born. Bliss for a few months. Then due to working long hours and big projects stared drinking constantly. He would disappear for days after blowing up at me for something minor and not come home for sometimes up to 5 days leaving me and the baby. He would scream and shout even in front of our daughter. I feel like I constantly walk on egg shells. I’m a quiet and private person but he’s loud, very macho man, popular, proud of being strong and the fighting type (that’s whole other story’s). I could be here forever with the things that have happened. Im always wrong and never have a chance to speak. When I try to he shouts louder then leaves for days after banging doors, throwing things etc. And to be honest. If I heard any other person being treated like this, I would be horrified to. I feel like I just want out. I could count on 1 hand the times we’ve been intimate in 5 years and we are early 30s. No physical affection, nothing. I constantly dream of finding someone who loves me, who has similar interests. I work, look after our daughter, and just like to garden, watch Netflix etc I’m proud of my home and just want to live a quiet life. Partner is very loud, suffers badly with mental health, and just never wants to sit and spend proper time with me. I want to leave but worry how I will cope on my own financially with a mortgage, bills, how I would be able to buy my own car to get to work (he would take the car) I’m just wondering if anyone has been in this sort of situation before and managed to do it on your own. Sorry for the very long post! If anyone even reads this far. This is shockingly a very small portion of things that have happened through the years

Sorry to hear this, no advice really other than that it sounds like you know you need to leave, you just need to work out how. There will be plenty of practical advice coming...

Hi

Yes I got away over a year ago now. It's daunting and money was sometimes tight but where there's a will there's a way. Sounds like you aren't married which is a shame as you'd get half or more from joint assets if you have majority care for your child. I would advise that you talk to a solicitor and also call women's aid. You might get a case worker who can help you. Who's name is the property in?

Thank you for your reply’s. The property is in my name, not married

You've endured all this abuse, you can cope with a life free from abuse. It will just take time to adjust and recover.

Women's Aid. Police. Freedom Programme. Citizens Advice.

This is coercive control and it's a crime.

You deserve better. Your daughter deserves a hell of a lot better.

You know you need to leave - for your daughter's sake. You owe it to her to remove her from this toxic environment. Please.

You don’t need to leave. He does. And it sounds like he voluntarily leaves quite frequently.

Start getting things lined up financially and then calmly tell him to go. The house is yours. He sounds like a volatile twat.

Do it for your child.

Women's Aid. Police. Freedom Programme. Citizens Advice.

None of these organisations can do anything about coercive control. I've been experiencing it for many years. It is almost impossible to evidence. My kids now don't want to be with me because of parental alienation.

The property is in your name? Easy, phone the police and tell them he is abusing you. They'll come around, record you with their body cameras and arrest him, then enforce him not to return. He can come back for his stuff if you arrange a time for the police to be there, then there's no drama. You can do this!!

@Trustisamust

Women's Aid. Police. Freedom Programme. Citizens Advice.

None of these organisations can do anything about coercive control. I've been experiencing it for many years. It is almost impossible to evidence. My kids now don't want to be with me because of parental alienation.

The police helped me with coercive control. I guess each force is different but Northumbria police took it incredibly seriously.

I’m tempted to say wait until he storms off again then get the locks changed, but I think you should be careful about how you get rid of this guy.
Call women’s aid. Hopefully they can give you some practical advice.
You can do this OP. Your daughter deserves a stable environment and this sounds anything but.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this .. I also had the same with my DD’s father.. the screaming in the face.. slamming the breaks of the car to emergency stop in the car to frighten me and get me to shut up/ then screaming at me in the car.. with our 6 month old baby in the back. His behaviour changed when I moved in and then got worse when I was pregnant.

Def speak to Women’s Aid but I find with these types of men they often get worse when you try to leave or if you try and tell them they are abusive/need help etc... unless you have evidence like a conviction against him and police reports then in family court they really don’t put much importance on abusive behaviour towards Mum.. he can always threaten to take you to court etc and use the child as a way of abusing and controlling you further. I would make it seem like it’s his idea and sit down with him have a calm convo say we’ve had an amazing journey together since we were young but I think if we’re really honest we’re not happy together anymore & think we will be happier people and better parents for our child if we have our own lives and support each other as friends and co-parents. Show you are willing to be collaborative with parenting etc & really avoid any blame towards him as this will perhaps trigger some dramatic or angry reaction / revenge actions. To “get back at you” for pointing out his issues/bad behaviour. Unless he has physically abused you with convictions etc he’s going to be in your life forever now because of your child and sad and traumatic as it is, you have to find a way of managing the relationship with him. These sorts of angry and abusive men do not change. Look up “cold grey rock” method for narcissistic abusive men. Read “Why Does He Do That” .... accept he won’t change and he is who he is. Protect your energy by energetically detaching from him... know he has no real power over you. Don’t try and change him just calmly, mundanely and lovingly detach. Make it about you and say you can tell he’s not happy & maybe you’ve just run your course and both changed over the years and you believe you “can be friends and a great team for your child”. He will love the sound of this probably & it’ll make him feel like he’s not being rejected or blame & like he can still come out looking like a good guy... but reality is that he will probably lose interest of seeing child for any length of time or taking responsibility... especially if you practice cold grey rock technique and don’t say you will withhold or control time with the child. So you then will hopefully naturally see him less and less as he gets busy with his own selfish life.. he will probably prefer freedom and drinking to solo parenting & in your mind you will be detaching more and more by doing healing work like the freedom programme and looking after yourself. The practical things will work out ~ even with a mortgage you’ll get benefits to help with it as a single Mum. Good luck.. you can do this. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more. I know this kind of man... and I wish I’d chosen the above way to handle my ex instead of the dramatic “kick out your abuser” way I was advised to.... it created drama which he fed off of and made things way worse & caused him to take me to court 2x in 2 years, causing untold stress. If had just let go of wishing he would change or be held accountable ..not acted out of my traumatised reactions and realised I have to be clever how I handle it for the future and prioritise the path which will create least drama and most peace for me and my DD. I wish someone had given me this advice 6 years ago. I could have avoided all that pain and panic. Ultimately not one bit of the dramatic “kick your abuser out” route made him any different ... and it didn’t help me heal. I do agree with logging a concern about his drinking and emotional abuse with social services/women’s aid (call logs from WA can be used as proof of needed in court) and get some advice and just make a record of everything written down.

Thank you so much for all you’re reply’s. Hopefully I figure something out soon x