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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay with him

16 replies

Ineedmorezzzzzzs · 23/04/2021 09:36

We split a few days ago, I ended it, i just felt it was one row after another and I feel so down and unhappy and still do, We have kids together youngest 7 months and I'm finding it very hard on my own. To me the relationship had turned toxic, with resentment and name calling and just being unhappy. I'm honestly debating asking him to come back and help co parent the kids to help me get a break, I'm suffering with my mental health for awhile now even with seeking help and I honestly just feel like I'm about to crack. I wish I had a magic wanted that would make us ok because I don't want to be on my own I just wish we could work out but too much has happened between us for us

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedmorezzzzzzs · 23/04/2021 15:16

Anyone

OP posts:
Hobnobsandbroomstick · 23/04/2021 15:21

To me the relationship had turned toxic, with resentment and name calling and just being unhappy.

What do you think caused the resentment and unhappiness? Does he pull his weight with the kids?

No one can tell you if you should stay with him or not, but even though you have split up he should be sharing the weight of parenting with you. If he's not willing to do this while you're not in a relationship together, then doesn't sound like getting back together is a good idea.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2021 15:22

Staying in a toxic relationship is just about the worst thing you can do regarding your mental health, and it IS the worst thing you can do regarding your children's welfare. Do not allow them to be raised in a toxic, abusive home.

Things may be hard, but they will improve if you continue to move forward and focus on yourself and your kids. Nothing will improve if you go back to that man. Don't be foolish.

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/04/2021 15:32

It's only been a couple of days, so it will be hard as you haven't got into the new rhythm yet. Accept that it'll be difficult for a while, but not forever. You will find your rhythm and confidence and this fear will settle down! Is there anyone who can support you rather than expecting support from a man who comes with resentment, name calling and such happiness? Reach out to friends, parents of kids' friends, family, your gp, the kids school or nursery. Open yourself up to help.

If the relationship was toxic, how was he at parenting when you were together?? Dad of year? Did he support you, help you, do his fair share of parenting, of housework? Or did he drag you down and make you feel worse? Because he will not have changed. It won't magically be better if you get back together. It may even be worse because he will know that he can treat you like shite and you're so scared of being alone you'll accept it.

With him gone, there is the hope of a happy ever after. With him back there is no hope, just the same shit.

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/04/2021 15:33

*such UNhappiness

Crankley · 23/04/2021 15:36

If you only split a few days ago, you really haven't given yourself much time to adjust and come to terms with the changes and I wonder why you think going back with him will be any different than before?

Of course he should be having the children and doing his fair share of parenting but only you know if that is likely to happen.

DinosaurDiana · 23/04/2021 15:37

Resentment is the end.
Get him to agree to how much he will have the kids, then plan your new life.

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2021 15:38

Ok what’s the child custody arrangements? Do you work? How many kids do you have?

An0n0n0n · 23/04/2021 15:39

He should be coparenting regardless, the fact he hasn't been seeking time with the kids makes me think this was part of why you broke up?

A bloke that can't be arsed with his kids is worth fuck all. You've done a few days, you can do a few more. One foot in front of the other. You've got this x

DriftGames · 23/04/2021 15:41

My DH left me last Monday. I felt like you do now. But with help from friends, family and Mumsnet, I've realised that I really will be okay and staying in a marriage/relationship for the wrong reasons will do you no good.

I feel better, already. Of course I love him and I'm scared about my future, but excited scared now. I was in love with the memories, not the man. That really helped me move on.

Please speak to a GP regarding your mental health - they really can and will help, which will set you on the right foot to move forward.

You'll be fine, it will take time but you're doing the best thing.

Original poster
Ineedmorezzzzzzs · 23/04/2021 18:38

He is a good dad and does his share but he won't be able to have the kids much as his living arrangements won't allow it, he calls and visits them here. I have zero support I don't have friends or groups or anything its me and the kids and there is one family member but we're not close. So I'm.on my own with no support and a baby who doesn't sleep and I'm just exhausted. The reason I was saying about getting back together would be purely to help with the kids. There's alot of resentment on my part for alot of reasons, just broken promises and loss of trust etc.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 23/04/2021 18:52

Do you have a spare bedroom? Could he live in your house but you not be together?

Original poster
Ineedmorezzzzzzs · 23/04/2021 19:43

No spare room but he was sleeping in my sons room anyway because he won't sleep on his own snd I was in with the baby

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 23/04/2021 19:56

I don’t think you need to pretend you are all lovey dovey and be a couple to coparent

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2021 20:02

Name calling and toxicity won’t help your mental health and you don’t need that in your life.

You need to find a way to get him to pull his weight with parenting.

Do you have no local friends?

If you were my friend I’d let you sleep at mine whilst he was in the house with the kids if he can’t have them at his.

LouiseTrees · 23/04/2021 20:12

@Merryoldgoat

Name calling and toxicity won’t help your mental health and you don’t need that in your life.

You need to find a way to get him to pull his weight with parenting.

Do you have no local friends?

If you were my friend I’d let you sleep at mine whilst he was in the house with the kids if he can’t have them at his.

Amazing idea! Go with this OP
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