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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends, birthday presents and the bigger picture

16 replies

Birthdaysadness · 23/04/2021 07:42

It was my 30th birthday last week. Since childhood I've had the same group of 6 friends. I didn't get anything from them last year, but I understood as pandemic and everything. This year though, things have started opening back up. We all went out for a meal when restuarants opened outdoors, it wasn't for my birthday, just a 'it's been 6 months!' catch up and we had a great time. A week later it was my birthday and they didn't give me anything, not even a card, 3 of them messaged me via WhatsApp to say happy birthday which I appreciate, 2 didn't even bother.

Now here is why I am upset. We've been friends over 20 years. Since adulthood and having good employment for each of our birthdays we've always all chucked in £20-30 each, so we can get the other a nice, bigger gift. We did this for friend 1 in August, friend 2 in September, friends 3 and 4 both in November. Plus presents for everyone at Christmas.

I've contributed to everyone's without question, they are my friends, supposedly group of best friends. But for my birthday, absolutely nothing? They haven't even said 'how about let's meet up for a drink', just nothing.

I'm just feeling a bit sad. I feel like they don't care.

It's the 6th friends birthday in summer, if it comes to it and they ask me to do a collection I don't even want to now but is that just really petty? I'm thinking about distancing myself all together to be honest, I've been left out of things before by this group and they've always made up reasons why. E.g. they once went on holiday together but left 2 of us out. In the end I just think they don't like me all that much, which I do think is fine as adults grow and change. I have other friends whom I definitely have more in common with. But then they insist I'm 'boring' if I don't come on big nights out and weekends away! I feel like I can't win. I'm an adult and can't be bothered with dramatics, I'm not going to argue with them or kick off about this, I'm just not interested in being left out any more.

I hope it doesn't come across grabby, it's not about the presents, it's about the unfairness and the fact they've not even bothered to send me a card or a bottle of wine.

AIBU? I may be slightly as I am pregnant and hormonal at the moment! Please put me in my place if I am. DP thinks I should just get over it

OP posts:

FizzyApricot · 23/04/2021 07:44

Just say "oh I thought we weren't doing that any more" when they ask.

Jimdandy · 23/04/2021 07:46

I would definitely distance myself from this group. Leaving two of you out of weekends away etc is hurtful and then paying towards their present and it not being reciprocated is very brass necked, rude and hurtful.

I wouldn’t answer in the group messages anymore and next time they ask for birthday contributions again not answer, or I’d say “I thought we weren’t doing this anymore, as I didn’t receive anything for my birthday so I’ve decided just to spend the contributions on myself”

ShirleyPhallus · 23/04/2021 07:46

I’d speak to the one you’re closest to and tell them you’re hurt you didn’t receive a gift when you all did it for everyone else’s. No histrionics or anything, just say what you’ve said above, that you’re sad you’ve put in for everyone else and they didn’t get you a gift.

If it all kicks off in dramatown then you know they’re a bunch of dicks you’ve outgrown

If they get you a gift then you’ve made your point and can move on

I have a group of friends from school and honestly we have almost nothing in common anymore, so if we all went our separate ways I would be a little sad from a historic point of view but wouldn’t actually miss their friendship

Blanca87 · 23/04/2021 07:47

Great response Fizzy! Happy belated birthday, it sounds shit and you are right to be upset. ❤️

ImInStealthMode · 23/04/2021 07:47

YANBU, that's shitty of them.

We have the same system with friends, £15 each from 6 of us to get the birthday girl something nice and it's absolutely without fail for everyone, even now 2 of them have left the area and the others obviously haven't seen as much of each other. I'd be gutted if mine was missed, and it's not about being grabby, it's about them caring. If for some reason we were all flat broke we'd still do a card at least.

Maybe it's time to step away from them if you want to, a good time with an exciting life change coming up! (Congratulations on your pregnancy).

Dogfan · 23/04/2021 08:31

I would suggest explaining yo them why you are upset. If they understand and apologise, great, if they don't, get rid. It sounds like they do things quite regularly that make you feel undervalued. They need to stop or you need them out if your life.

Maray1967 · 23/04/2021 08:32

Yes , as above, just say you thought that had stopped as you didn’t receive a gift. It’s hard to see how they could respond to that by still expecting you contribute.
Happy birthday 💐

Cheeseandlobster · 23/04/2021 08:36

I think its more hurtful as its a big birthday too. I would definitely do what Fizzy said.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 23/04/2021 08:45

Just say "oh I thought we weren't doing that any more" when they ask.

Definitely do this if they ask for the next birthday. I’d say ‘oh I didn’t get anything for my birthday so guessed we weren’t bothering doing it anymore’. YANBU to feel hurt, I would too.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 23/04/2021 09:25

I would ask outright why they didn't get you anything for your 30th? I think that's totally out of order. If they don't have a good answer I would get rid of them! Get yourself a nice present for being 30!

Original poster

Birthdaysadness · 23/04/2021 15:29

Thanks everyone, glad I'm not being unreasonable about it

OP posts:

TheLastLotus · 23/04/2021 16:45

I’d be hurt too in your position - as 3 of them clearly remember but CBA organise anything. Are they also the ones starting the collections for other birthdays?
Maybe you have indeed outgrown them ...

stackemhigh · 23/04/2021 16:50

Definitely not being unreasonable, and definitely stop contributing to the presents.

Is there one that you get on with? Ask her why you didn’t get a present.

Spied · 23/04/2021 16:51

What horrible 'friends'.
They don't value you at all.
You're handy to use to chip in with collections and likely used to make up the numbers on nights out.
Nah.

Spied · 23/04/2021 16:55

You must also have a useful role on nights out. For eg. Are you the sensible on who keeps them tethered? Are you the designated driver? Are you the butt of the joke? Are you the one who would borrow them a few quid?
They are users.

SparklingLime · 23/04/2021 17:06

I’d just step away from them and focus on your other friends. The fact that they make it clear you’re not as valued, but then pressurise you to come out when it suits them is just shit. There’s no reply to ‘why didn’t I get a birthday present?’ that could possibly make anything better.

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