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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my ex is a knob because he won't contribute £35 towards dc uniform?

25 replies

Freddyfuzzbear · 23/04/2021 02:59

The CMS managed to track him down a few months ago so I've been receiving £15 per week, per child (we have 2 so £30 per week in total) for a couple of months now.
It's not much of a contribution really.
Last week was youngest DC birthday and he promised to contribute to birthday bike. Had to hound him for that and got a "fuck sake" before he paid the last instalment to me on the day of birthday.

I've sent him the screenshots of uniform bits DC needs (from Asda) but he's blanking me completely.

AIBU to ask for a contribution or is he right to be outraged that I'd even ask?

OP posts:

BetsyBigNose · 23/04/2021 03:13

YANBU to ask, but he sounds utterly feckless, so it's unlikely it'll be forthcoming.

Back in the 80's, my absent "Father" was ordered by the court to pay my DM "5pence, per child, per year" for my DSis and I - the gormless shit wouldn't even pay that. It's only now that he's missing out on having relationships with his grandchildren that he's finally "realised what a terrible Father" he has been...

I know it's tough right now, but you are the one your children will have the solid, loving relationship with, not him - and it'll all be his own doing, you won't have to lift a finger!

Pyewackect · 23/04/2021 03:24

You can try but it seems like you’ll be pushed for a result.

JustLyra · 23/04/2021 03:58

You can ask, but unfortunately legally the amount CMS state has all he has to give so if he doesn’t there’s nothing much you can do.

If he can afford it then he’s definitely a knob as uniforms are expensive

fearfulexchange · 23/04/2021 04:08

Yes he is an utter knob.
@BetsyBigNose glad to hear there is some light at the end of the tunnel.
I want my ex to really feel the pain he caused!

Mintjulia · 23/04/2021 04:23

He thinks he's achieved Dad of the Year by helping buy the bike, and can't believe that now you want a contribution for something else.

According to CMS rules he doesn't have to pay but yes, he's a complete knob.

PatMustardsBigTool · 23/04/2021 05:01

Complete knob who thinks his contributions end with that measly amount. How pathetic to think all his 2 children deserve is £30 per week. For context, I earn more than that per hour for one hour private tuition. Sad to say I doubt you'll get much more from him, especially after his heroic bike contribution.

Original poster

Freddyfuzzbear · 23/04/2021 06:29

Well I've been blocked on WhatsApp so it's a definite no he won't contribute to the uniform!

And yes he is utterly feckless yet miraculously seems to believe he is a great Dad. He's also cocklodging with girlfriend no. 7 (in space of 2 years) and is extra nasty when in a 'relationship'.

OP posts:

kowari · 23/04/2021 06:34

How much does he see them? If CS is not reduced by him providing care then I wouldn't expect anything else. If you have 50/50 then he should meet his half of the costs when they are with him, so half uniform costs if you share uniform between households or buy his own.

BusyLizzie61 · 23/04/2021 06:36

@Freddyfuzzbear

The CMS managed to track him down a few months ago so I've been receiving £15 per week, per child (we have 2 so £30 per week in total) for a couple of months now. It's not much of a contribution really. Last week was youngest DC birthday and he promised to contribute to birthday bike. Had to hound him for that and got a "fuck sake" before he paid the last instalment to me on the day of birthday.

I've sent him the screenshots of uniform bits DC needs (from Asda) but he's blanking me completely.

AIBU to ask for a contribution or is he right to be outraged that I'd even ask?

@AIBU to ask for a contribution or is he right to be outraged that I'd even ask? Yanbu to ask. He's not legally speaking to refuse. Technically, he's paying maintenance and that's to cover his contribution to the costs including school uniforms. Morally it's shit. Tbh, i think that moving forward you're better off having presents solely from you to your child and let him give or not give something from him. Just make sure it's clear the gift is from you and he cannot piggy back it. Does he have the children overnight at all?

MarcelinesMa · 23/04/2021 06:37

YANBU to ask him but the chances of you getting anything further out of him are remote because he is clearly a feckless waste of space who doesn’t much care about his children.

Original poster

Freddyfuzzbear · 23/04/2021 07:26

In theory he is supposed to have them every other weekend. In reality he sees them once a month if that. His situation is extremely unstable and hosting visits depends on if he has a girlfriend who can host their visits.

Oh and most of the time he says he is working weekends so can't have them....because "I have no money I have to work" .

OP posts:

Original poster

Freddyfuzzbear · 23/04/2021 07:28

I've also stopped overnight contact in the past due to low level neglect and the revolving door of girlfriends houses he's having them to stay...but gave up this tact because the kids complain so much wanting to see him overnight.

OP posts:

Original poster

Freddyfuzzbear · 23/04/2021 07:32

The hilarious thing is he thinks he's a loving doting father....because he's nice to them when he has them and they are his "best mates".

He also got them their own 'debit cards' that he could transfer money to directly when they wanted to buy Robux etc. This was during a time when I was receiving no maintenance at all. I flipped my lid about it so ofcourse kids see me as the bad guy and daddy as the good guy who just wants to treat them if only mum would let him and stop being so unhinged!!

OP posts:

Jobsharenightmare · 23/04/2021 07:47

Nightmare ex there. Sorry OP! Your kid deserves better than his dad. At least he has you

PicaK · 23/04/2021 07:48

I put yabu because under cms that's all he has to pay.

newnortherner111 · 23/04/2021 07:55

YANBU to ask but don't plan on getting anything. Sad to read that he is meeting all the local women with low self-esteem.

Original poster

Freddyfuzzbear · 23/04/2021 08:01

Well he's just unblocked me to tell me to save the 15 a week to spend on school uniform.

I refuse to do half the travel to get them to his girlfriends house 1.5hrs away (because he moved away from our area to move in with this woman). So he's brought that up and said why should he help me when I won't help him.

He's also told me that because I've asked him to buy clothes for our youngest when he has them (bearing in mind he's only had them overnight once in the last several months and I only told him I wouldn't be providing clothes because they never get returned)..."I have to buy clothes when they're with me so you buy clothes for when they're with you".

OP posts:

Justa47 · 23/04/2021 08:18

@Freddyfuzzbear

Yes he is a knob

FizzyApricot · 23/04/2021 08:29

Well yeah he has a point there, if the agreement is he buys clothes when they are with him then you should buy the clothes for when they are with you.

Ideally he should contribute to the uniform but CMS says your maintenance payment is it. So it's their fault. Sounds like he doesn't earn much. Presumably he was a bit of a knob when you were together so I wouldn't expect that to change.

Maybe keep track of how many overnights he actually has them in case it pushes him into the next CMS bracket.

Original poster

Freddyfuzzbear · 23/04/2021 11:21

He's thousands of pounds in arrears with child maintenance owed to me.

He hasn't actually bought the clothes for his yet. I made a stand last time he had them and sent them with nothing but the clothes on their backs (well the younger DC...eldest took their own stuff because they're old enough to remember to bring their stuff back home).

I don't really think having clothes for one child the very few times he has them is comparable to me providing stuff for both of them when they live with me 99% of the time.

OP posts:

stackemhigh · 23/04/2021 11:25

Well done for not sending clothes. He is an utter knob, don't make anything easy for him.

LuaDipa · 23/04/2021 18:30

No advice but my god he is pathetic. The kids will realise as they get older op.

HugeAckmansWife · 23/04/2021 18:38

fizzy he really doesn't have a point, unless the kids are with him 50/50, which they aren't. If they are there once a month or EOW he needs a couple of outfits max - £20 each in Asda every 6 months. His pathetic contribution will not go anywhere near halfway to the costs of the clothes they need the rest of the time, including uniform, sports kits, wellies, coats, swimming costumes, hats for sunny days etc. And that's just clothes. The OP can use the £15 p/w for the uniform? Great, and what do the kids eat, and wear and play with and sleep on and watch and do the rest of the time and who pays for that? oh yes, the OP.

nzborn · 23/04/2021 18:59

So many of us have been in this position asking for half of the uniform costs and not getting anywhere so we stop asking for reasonable expenses. It's part of their training us to not ask for anything and I'm sorry for you and your children as l don't think there is any way you can change a tight ass.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 23/04/2021 19:02

It’s fair to ask but I wouldn’t expect someone who only gives £30 a week to offer anything extra at all and he sadly isn’t obliged to. I asked my ex for a contribution towards our DC’s school uniform once and he told me to buy them cheaper stuff and ‘that’s what maintenance is for’- he pays a similar amount to your ex, it doesn’t go very far. Some men are wankers.

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