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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

On my period ..

50 replies

BlessedDD · 22/04/2021 22:53

So happy to be told AIBU and being a bit OTT

Scenario 1
DH needs to have a conversation with a business associate of mine. This business associate is giving him some free advice. Said business associate has sent some info to help DH - said business associate isn’t just doing this off their own back they could also benefit if DH takes on a project. However business associate cc’d me in on an email saying to DH let me know when you can speak can do evenings/weekend. DH said ‘I’ve got a few calls tomorrow otherwise fairly free’ so I said to DH you should respond by giving times you can do rather than call me whenever cos then you and business associate can plan your time DH said it doesn’t matter - but I said it’s a poor use of both your times - it’ll make life easier for you to book a call & business associate doesn’t have to keep trying you etc

Second scenario DH brother works a lot of weekends and shift work etc really stressful job. DH has said to DBIL let us know what weekend you can do in June for a meet up. On our family whatsapp. I said to DH but we can’t do all June weekends. DBIL said he’ll see what he can do in June. I said to DH why don’t you say what dates we can/can’t do cos DBIL could make arrangements (move shifts) for a weekend and assume we can do them all - then we can’t.

DH said I keep blowing things up and I said well no I just try to do things properly so who is being unreasonable - I just don’t like messing people around.

OP posts:

theuncles · 22/04/2021 23:57

FWIW I agree with you on both points and would have made the same comments to my DH. But he is always saying that he isn't good at "words / texts / messages...." etc and asks for my views, whereas I say he's a grown up and should be able to manage without me!

If your DH doesn't welcome your input then I suppose it's a bit different - and I would perhaps tread more carefully. But I do agree with both points and especially the second.....

Mydogmylife · 22/04/2021 23:58

@BlessedDD

I’ve now told DBIL when we are free and DH isn’t free all day tomorrow it would mean my business associate calling him until they got hold of him - I think it’s respectful and makes time/commercial sense to book a time to speak to someone

So basically you've just butted in anyway? You would drive me crazy, and absolutely nothing to do with periods

WorraLiberty · 23/04/2021 00:06

@BlessedDD

And this is why it's embarrassing that you're blaming hormones for your interfering and controlling personality traits.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/04/2021 08:36

If the period stuff wasn’t bad enough you’re not using one of the most irritating words ever. Adulting

If your husband is so utterly useless why did you marry him?

Is he able to dress, feed himself and hold down paid work?

ilovesooty · 23/04/2021 08:46

For goodness sake. You're exhausting and controlling by the sound of it. And I fail to see why your hormones are relevant.

sunstreaming · 23/04/2021 09:00

Well I think you're right and I also think the only reason for your thread title was you're used to being slapped down when you do (reasonable and sensible) things other people want to disagree with, by people using the 'You must be on your period, which is why you're so daft' defence.
Which is unacceptable.
In my opinion, it's arrogant to ask someone to fit in with you if you don't tell them what you already know about your availability. It means the other person makes multiple efforts to fit in with you and wastes their time when you then say, 'Oh, I'm not available on Tuesday.' For the person whose time you're wasting, it makes them feel like the bullied child in a 'pig-in-the'middle' bullying situation. And you're also signalling that it's OK for them to needlessly waste their time trying to fit in with you, because your time is more valuable than theirs.
The reason you're involved OP is because of what you said. It's a business associate of yours and if your OH messes him around, they'll both probably expect you to sort it out. So I don't blame you for trying to get your OH to be upfront about when he's available. It's also courteous and efficient, whoever he's dealing with. In the secondd instance, I'm also with you, OP because you are seeing further than your own world and have enough empathy to understand that your BIL is under stress. So you're trying to make things run more smoothly.
The world would be a much better place if more people tried for 'win-win' situations, as you are doing, rather than passively aggressively exerting their superiority, as your OH is doing.
In future, don't buy into people blaming you for your reasonable behaviour for any reason (especially not menstruation)

FizzyApricot · 23/04/2021 09:06

Do you work with your OH?
Presumably his work place hired him to do the job and not you as his manager?
Stop blaming your period for any of this.

FizzyApricot · 23/04/2021 09:07

But yeah 2nd scenario it makes sense for both parties to day when they are currently free. But it's his family I'd let him sort it out.

Angrypregnantlady · 23/04/2021 09:19

You're being pretty controlling.

Kinda like a spoony fucker for time management. Actually do you also stand over him while he cooks telling him to add less salt and stirring the pots?

He's added a bit more conversation into the planning. But they're all adults so stop trying to organise their play dates dates them.

Crustybreadandbutter · 23/04/2021 09:40

I would do what you do on both.

I’d try not to tell DH because I’d end up having to do the communication or arranging myself.

If I do it all the time he will get deskilled instead or learn

Crustybreadandbutter · 23/04/2021 09:40

*of learn

Original poster

BlessedDD · 23/04/2021 09:44

Thank you @sunstreaming it seems we are in the minority. I am very intuitive to things and am often the smoother etc - I generally get things done. DH is Senior and well respected he’s deffo not controlled. I just think he can sometimes act a bit superior when it comes to work.

DBIL has been under an immense amount of stress on top a new baby too - I just think it’s kind to say these are the dates we can do cos I also know DBIL will assume we can do all the June dates and could end up swapping shifts etc to make one day/weekend work.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlessedDD · 23/04/2021 09:45

@Angrypregnantlady DH is a good cook (I’ve taught him!

OP posts:

Aprilx · 23/04/2021 09:50

I think you sound suffocating and it ha soothing to do with being on your period.

Aprilx · 23/04/2021 09:50

*has nothing

denverRegina · 23/04/2021 09:51

"I am very intuitive to things"

Really? What's with your thread title then because you've completely misread the room.

You sound anything but intuitive.

LazyName · 23/04/2021 10:28

YANBU but I don’t really think it’s much of an issue I’d just let him get on with it...clearly trying to be helpful and make life more organised just comes across as nagging

honeylulu · 23/04/2021 10:59

Ugh I wish women wouldn't blame their periods for them being unreasonable. It just feeds into the misogynistic belief that women can't be trusted with important things or positions of responsibility because their silly female hormones make them totally irrational.

slashlover · 23/04/2021 11:12

Why are you even involved with scenario 1? The entire thing is between your DH and the business associate and has nothing to do with you other than you knowing both parties.

Lweji · 23/04/2021 11:18

I agree with you in that it is best to be clear about what times suit. I often have similar problems trying to arrange dates with other people.

Pps have a point in that it's his problem, but I can also understand that you know both BIL and your business associate and can empathise with them.
Is your OH as vague with you when making plans as with other people? Have you been on the receiving end of "whenever" only to be told later that he can't? I wouldn't be happy.

Lweji · 23/04/2021 11:19

@honeylulu

And very much this.

Original poster

BlessedDD · 23/04/2021 11:35

Yes @Lweji he can be very vague - also sometimes it’s walking on eggshells cos just don’t know how his mood is what’s happening that day

OP posts:

Original poster

BlessedDD · 23/04/2021 11:36

Also if I’m trying to organise a day out I have to wait ages for him to agree to where we are going etc
Not to drip feed but I came from a very disruptive dysfunctional out of control household - drug/alcohol addictions etc so perhaps have spent my adult life perhaps trying to stop chaos and maybe can’t measure what I should leave or not leave

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2021 11:40

YABU leave him make his own arrangement's his way

Lweji · 23/04/2021 11:40

also sometimes it’s walking on eggshells cos just don’t know how his mood is what’s happening that day

That´s not good.

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