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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to be angry at FIL as he tries to get my DH to contact MIL.

17 replies

michie40 · 13/11/2007 08:48

This is along and complicated story - so thanks in advance if you stick with it.

My PIL divorced about 9 years ago. The split was announced 1 month after we got married and was not very friendly as MIL went off with another woman and was not very nice to FIL leaving him devastated after 25 years. My DH attempted to stay on friendly terms with his mum but couldn't cope with the way she had left and ended up cutting ties and has not spoken to her for 9 years.

Anyway last week MIL father died - I got an email (addressed to me only - not DH) from FIL stating this fact and that he thinks it would be nice if I sent a card from my oldest DD to MIL to cheer her up as she is feeling a bit down.

Now MIL has not met either of my DDs or made any attempt to see them - they do not know she exists. My DH has made it clear he does not want to see MIL and I am certainly not going to do anything behind his back. So I am a rather angry that FIL thinks I should send a card to a woman who has made no attempt to see my DH or DDs.

He has suggested that it is her stubborness that has prevented her contacting DH in the past. Well in my opinion she is the parent and should be making the running.

OP posts:

YeahBut · 13/11/2007 08:58

I think if your FIL can remain on civil terms with your MIL, your dh should give it a go. For all their faults, we only get one mum.

Original poster

michie40 · 13/11/2007 09:01

My DH has said in the past that his Mum is not the woman he thought she was and so he finds it difficult to think about her in the same way as he used to. I have tried in the past to persuad him to contact her but he doesn't want to.
We have never said that she couldn't see her grandchildren but she has made not attempt to and so I don't believe I should suddenly send a card to her out of the blue just to cheer her up.

OP posts:

AnguaVonUberwald · 13/11/2007 09:36

Michie40

I think your husband should do whatever feels right to him, there is no sacred "they are a parent therefore you have to forgive them everything" law he has to follow. If he doesn't want to contact her, you should respect his wishes, and its certainly not for you to push him to see her. If your FIL wants your DH to contact his DM, then he should contact his son directly, not through you.

AnguaVonUberwald · 13/11/2007 09:38

(can you tell I have parent issues too?)

JodieG1 · 13/11/2007 09:39

I agree with AV. I can't stand all that "only one mum" rubbish, there's no reason you should feel you have to stay in touch if they do something so unforgiveable and make no attempt at contact.

Totally agree with you that mil should be doing the running.

littleducks · 13/11/2007 09:42

it might be nice to send a card from the whole family as it is your dh's grandad who has died but you do have to realise this may change how things are atm.

but it is really your dh's call not yours or fil's.

i dont think fil is unreasonable, he was in love with mil for so long so obv. will still care about her but what is best for him isnt necessarily best for dh.

LadyOfWaffle · 13/11/2007 09:51

Wow, sounds like my ILs (abit). Be The Bigger Person, send a card - I mean if you don't give say, cards you sort of can't complain if you do not recieve back IYSWIM. MIL is a PITA and gives DH little or nothing, but I always make sure she has presents/cards etc. otherwise we are as bad as her. Especially in the circumstances, it isn't "oh, send her a birthday card". I do see why you are angry, but, at least you can know you are mature enough to not be petty. Does that make any sense? (really tired!)

LadyOfWaffle · 13/11/2007 09:53

And to be fair, you said your DH cut ties? Or am I getting confused. Anyway, one card doesn't mean "all is forgiven, come and have a sunday roast". But, up to your DH.

JodieG1 · 13/11/2007 09:54

See I don't think it's being mature to be a doormat for others, it's being mature to accept you don't like someone for valid reasons and walk away. That isn't petty imo but just a fact of life and it's being an adult to be able to deal with that.

Carmenere · 13/11/2007 09:56

Ok I am going to play devils advocate here for a minute. Firstly, your fil should not be involving you.
However his ex wife left him not her grown up son. And by the sounds of it she may have been living a lie about her sexuality for her whole adult life before then. Which I think we all can agree must be bloody horrible. And her dad has just died. Poor cow.

All those who say 'you have to be allowed to hate your mum', well I agree with that on the whole because not all women are decent mothers BUT in this case it is very unclear as to what this woman has actually done to warrant the harsh reaction from her son.

Original poster

michie40 · 13/11/2007 12:09

Carmenere - I agree I do feel sympathy for her but I guesse I am angry because I don't understand how anyone can not make any effort to see my two adorable dds. And this is what makes me really angry - she has never made any attempt to see them. Also if it was my daughter refusing to see me I would be camping out on their doorsteps until they did.

Re - "BUT in this case it is very unclear as to what this woman has actually done to warrant the harsh reaction from her son" - she did some appalling things during the split and treated my SIL very poorly as well as my FIL. I think DH finds it hard to forgive. He has never spoken directly to her (MIL) about this or stated that he is not talking to her but has just not contacted her.

OP posts:

edam · 13/11/2007 12:18

Maybe MIL has kept her distance out of respect for DH and his feelings about the split - or has been waiting for him to contact her. Maybe she thinks if she got in touch, he'd see it as an intrusion. Certainly if she was camping on your doorstep, you'd be posting her about your mad MIL and wanting her off.

It is up to your dh - his mother, his decision - but it would be a kind, humane action to just send her a card. Her father's died, it's a huge blow. Just sending condolences doesn't mean 'all is forgiven'.

bozza · 13/11/2007 12:24

So did your DH also cut ties with his Grandad when his parents split up?

Original poster

michie40 · 13/11/2007 17:47

No bozza - my DH hasn't seen him since he was about 10 as MIL cut ties with him I am not sure why.

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 13/11/2007 17:54

blimey. they go in for cutting ties in your Dh's family, don't they!

I think it's got to be totally up to him. You can't really influence him I don't suppose, and maybe he would resent it if you tried.

I think all this cutting ties is sad though, but I do know in some instances it is really, truly necessary.

crokky · 13/11/2007 17:58

michie40 - FIL should not be asking you or your kids for cards for MIL.

He is quite free to ask your DH to send a card and this is a totally different matter. Your first loyalty is to DH and if I were you, I would tell him about the email you received. If he is still adamant that he wants no contact, that is his decision.

Original poster

michie40 · 13/11/2007 18:17

Thanks for everyones advice - I think I was just getting worked up about this and needed to get things in to perspective a bit.

I have spoekn to DH about this and he does not want to send a card but we wil be contacting his Grandads partner.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

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