To be upset at my mother

[handprintssssss]

As a child/teenager we were incredibly close. Best friends even. We used to go on holiday together, just the two of us blah blah blah

Then when I got older, got my own friends, boyfriends etc it's like a switch flip and she hated. Hated having no control over me.

She goes months without talking to me and it always coincides with something positive happening to me examples, getting married, buying a house etc. Stupidly I calm for it every time she comes running back.

I recently had a baby and she's ignored us all since birth. I've pretty much begged her to have a coffee with me and she has an excuse every time why she won't see us. "I'm getting my hair done, I'm going shopping".

Today I've stood up to her and told her that's "it" and she's told me it's not me, it's postnatal depression and that I'm being awful to her because of it.

She's making me feel like I'm going insane 😭

Fall for it*

Sorry. Typos. I'm mad and upset

She is toxic and she is not going to change. You can’t change someone else behaviour you can only control your reaction.

I’m sorry she is putting you through this.

For the record, I'm not depressed. I'm fine.

I’m sorry she’s being horrible. Postnatal depression or not, the point is how she makes you feel and it’s so sad when your own mother turns on you and makes you second guess yourself. I hope you two manage to resolve things. Maybe she’s jealous? Sounds bizarre but my MIL is SO jealous of her daughter because after 8 years single she found happiness in someone and she’s made place for him in her heart as well. She’s really quite resentful about the relationship she feels she’s lost, rather than just ‘fitting in’ where her daughter can make time. It’s terribly sad. 💗 Good luck to you both.

@Vallmo47 I think I'm past the point of wanting to sort it out to be honest. My heart yearns for the mother I'm never going to have and it breaks into pieces knowing this is who I'm stuck with.

It's only now I've realised how awful she is

@handprintssssss That’s really sad but you’re perfectly entitled to feel like that without being accused of being sick. I hate when people make you second guess yourself like this. I’ve sadly lost my mother 13 years ago and she was my best friend in every sense of the word. I’m not saying that to make you second guess your decision, but it’s a huge loss to your life that you have to learn how to live with. A loss is a loss. I’m very sorry for what you’re going through.

I would hazard a guess that she liked it when she saw you as an extension of herself. When she had all your attention. Then as you grew up and began your real life, as a separate person from her, she hated it and has been punishing you ever since.

For your sake and for your child (you do not want her to turn her attention to your child and start all over again!) let her go. She's not the mother you want and never will be. When you finally have that realisation, it's like a bereavement but you do get through it

This all sounds very familiar. It wasn’t until I had my own child and was a mother myself I realised how awful my mother was. Hates it when something good happens to me. Seems to love it when bad things happen. I now remain neutral around her and stick to neutral topics. And avoid her completely at good or bad times. How sad is that. I slip up occasionally and pay the price, but definitely getting better. I yearn for the sort of mother my friends have but know she will never be that. I don’t bother bringing any of this up with her either as she claims I’m just “overly sensitive” or imagining it. Classic gaslighting.

That’s the only advice I can offer, OP. Stay neutral. And each time you feel that horrible heartache of missing the type of mother you wish you had, be that type of mother instead. Channel her negativity into positivity for your child.

So... she has refused to see you since your baby was born but she tells you that you're upset because you have PND?

This is gaslighting in the truest sense of the word. She is telling blatant untruths and trying to get you to question your own mind and sanity. I am so sorry OP. I have no advice but I think you should prioritise yourself!

Thank you everyone. She's turning it on me and saying it's me being over sensitive and that she can't approach me as I always go off on one. I KNOW that's not the case. It's the other way around.

She's making me feel bloody crazy. I'm so fed up with it